Good Enough

If I had to pick just one word to describe my approach to life these past few months, I would have to say consumed. Consumed with work, mostly. My family is doing well. Mom continues chemo. Dad can now do his dialysis using a machine at night which leaves only one exchange during the day (huge time savings). Ksanti is excited about going back to school.

I've been working a lot of overtime and bringing a lot of work home. Not because anyone said I had to do it, just because somehow it felt like what I needed to be doing. In hindsight, I think I've been so caught up in making things work at work that I've lost all sense of balance in the rest of my life. I've also lost touch with my practice life.

I've had this thought running through my head. I've thought that if I joined the seminary at Still Point, my practice would improve. I believed this for a long time. I also thought there was something really special about being a Dharma student and completing the seminary program. Perhaps it seemed like the difference between college and Honors college. Isn't one better? My achievement mind thought so... better to go for the gold, be an "honors student".

I thought about this today when I read Koho's message in the July 2006 Still Point Newsletter. Here's a passage:

I’m reminded of a story P’arang used to tell about her teacher, Ven. Samu Sunim. Apparently, a member of his temple was trying to kick antidepressants some years ago, and asked Sunim for any advice he had; any practices he could recommend. Sunim said, Practice gratitude. Every night as you fall asleep, think of ten things for which you’re grateful.

P’arang was sure this fellow wouldn’t make it. Gratitude? That’s it?

He’ll be fine, Sunim replied.

And he was.

We sometimes have so little faith in the simple things that work that even in spiritual matters we think we’re not getting enough. We need more koans, more empowerments, more experiences. But this whole notion that we can’t get enough is just that: a notion. An idea. Or like the old texts say, a phantom, a mirage, a bubble. The fact is that even in the most difficult circumstances, there’s always something for which we can be grateful. This breath. This hand holding this orange.

These days, I think I need to drop all notions of specialness. Any ideas I have about what makes a good practitioner just need to fall away. The good student is not necessarily the student who can do 108 full prostrations without breaking a sweat, or the student who cracks every koan on the first try, or the student who can sit for 60 full minutes without moving or feeling any pain or discomfort. First of all, this ideal student doesn't exist. It's just the same notion of perfection that I often think I must apply to myself in all ways.

Today, I'm reminding myself that whatever I can do with a pure heart and the best intention is good enough.

Thinking About It...

I think I know I will apply for the Dharma Student program at Still Point at some point. I'm thinking that after six months of consistent Intensive Practice I will be ready for the challenge. Maybe I'm just thinking too much or trying to come up with a strategy when there is none... Maybe there's only just doing it.

A couple of days ago I was surfing for information on our temple's lineage so I could answer a penpal's question. During the browsing session I reviewed some information about the Maitreya Buddhist Seminary. I was particularly moved by the Everyday Admonition for Dharma Students:

1. Please perform your formal morning practice faithfully Monday through Friday. Your morning practice is the place of your awakening that you are the living embodiment of the Buddha through your response to the Buddha Shakyamuni and spiritual communion with His tradition of wisdom and compassion. Always begin your day cheerfully with your morning practice and examine yourself before you retire and give thanks to all the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas of the day. (Yebul)
2. Follow your weekly Dharma schedule, be fully accountable for your duties and do your utmost. (Sense of Duty)
3. Enlightenment and truth are always before your eyes and within your reach. Enlightenment is the pure and sincere heart of practice itself, and the truth is the spirit of practice that all sentient beings are Buddha. Accordingly, there is no enlightenment or truth apart from the common ordinary person and the everyday task. You should know that it is delusion to run around looking for truth and enlightenment, and to seek or anticipate them from the outside. Let go of your delusion. The mind of the Dharma student should be one of fortitude with the faith and power of the Bodhisattva Vow and free from fear, angst and worries.  So keep your mind in alignment everyday. (Life of No Delusion)
4. Repent, seek forgiveness and restore yourself right away if you caused trouble to others, committed wrongdoings or made blunders through carelessness and inattention.  Keep your mind free from guilt and remorse through sincere repentance and avoid retribution such as hatred and enmity. Constant repentance is constant awakening.  (Repentance)
5. The body-and-mind of the Dharma student should be poor and pure. Care for goods and  articles. They are the properties of the Three Jewels. Use them clean and sparingly so that they last.  Recycle them when they are no longer useful. Clean utensils and implements after use and put them where they belong. Try to manage with less or loss, if possible, but be generous and helpful to others as much as possible. (Hidden Virtue)
6. Always keep your dwelling and environment clean and tidy.  To take good care of your dwelling place and temple environment is to take good care of the body-and-mind of your Dharma student training.  To take good care of the body-and-mind of your Dharma student training (purity of heart) is to transform this world into the land of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas.  Cleaning and keeping our environment free from pollution is the Pure Land movement. Be on your guard and diligent. (Environmental Movement)
7. It is conduct unbecoming to a Dharma student to pick on others and blame them in order to build a self-defense or reinforce one's position.  It is the downfall of a Dharma student to become jealous of the other people's prosperity and gloat over others' misfortunes. If such a feeling or thought arises you should perform prostrations right away and surrender your weakness, and renew your Bodhisattva vows and pray for the happiness of all beings. (Renewal and Kido)
8. All Dharma students should be happy and energetic Buddhists ready to lend a helping hand.  (Three Stars)

Granted, you don't have to be a Dharma student to do any of this. Or maybe a different way of saying it is that lay practitioners are dharma students in a manner of speaking. So much of this is good medicine for me right now. I could say more... maybe I will over the next week or so. For now I just wanted to share this in the hope that it would be a source of inspiration/food for thought for you online Buddhas and Bodhitsattvas.

It Could Be Worse...

I think there is a continuum of grateful, thankful thinking... Maybe the continuum moves from "It could be worse..." to "I have only thanks... no complaints." Tonight I want to start with "It could be worse..." I think if I can think of at least five reasons why it could be worse, I will be more grateful for what is... for what I have right now. Anyone who wants to is invited to join in. Be serious. Be silly. Be outrageous. Be funny. Be sarcastic (I have a special love for sarcasm). Let's blog our way to gratitude. I'll begin.

1. It is very cold. It is snowing outside. I don't like winter but It could be worse. I could be sitting outside in the snow instead of sitting here in my warm apartment.
2. Certain things about a certain coworker really irk me but it could be worse. I could be spending my mornings in the unemployment office, cruising the want ads and struggling to make ends meet.
3. My parents have been irritating me lately. Sometimes I wish they would support me more and criticize me less but it could be worse. My father's parents are no longer alive and I'd be willing to bet he would be happy to be irritated by one of them just once.
4. I have no idea what the writers of Alias are thinking this season but it could be worse. I could be living without Lost.
5. I have the worst headache right now but it could be worse. The fact that I can feel anything means my body is functioning. That's a good thing even if I don't like how it is functioning.

Your turn. Whatever is going on in your world... think about it. Couldn't it be worse?

Engaged Buddhism: An Inquiry

I've been of the opinion that you can't really change other people. People change themselves. I don't discount the fact that people can be inspired by others, or that people can be persuaded to think or behave differently. I just believe that if the desire to change, self-correct, reflect, or grow is not present in a person, you can beat your head against the wall until you bleed... that person is not going to change. It is always a choice... a choice that I have no control over... so I don't put a lot of effort into trying to get people to be different than they are.

I guess my question now is "Should I?" Nacho's recent comment touched on a lot of points... I'll be thinking about them and responding to them as time and space allow me to do so. For now, I'll just highlight this segment and close with an inquiry. Nacho says:

...yes, people do need to change. I do believe in the potential for change, both individually and socially. Buddhist thought also tells us that people can change.

The question of what changes people, or what ocassions social change, is difficult, and although it may very well be answered by saying "people have to want to change," it doesn't invalidate attempts at persuasion, or approaches that shape how people see things (framing).

[...but don't take it out of context. Read the whole post]

What do you say? Should we engage in Buddhist discourse, practice, and debate in an attempt to change and shape the world we live in and the people in it? As aspiring Buddhas and Bodhisattvas are we obligated to try to change society in order to fulfill our vow to save the world?

Can Zen Practice Fight Obesity?

According to this Buddhist Channel article, mindful eating can change eating habits, reduce binge eating, increase the enjoyment of food, and help us to be clear about when we have had enough.

I'm trying to lose weight. Last week, I walked almost two miles every night after work. I have workout tapes that I use. But what's interesting to me is that I find that when I'm caught up in my "I'm focused on losing weight now" mode, I'm not practicing as much. I'm tired from walking and working out the night before, so I'm not waking up early enough for sitting practice in the morning.

I also notice that for me, my weight loss efforts tend to focus 90% on being more active, and maybe 10% on changing the way that I eat. What this article reminds me of, is that the way that I eat means more than just the foods that I pick. How often do I really just sit down and eat without thinking about the next thing I have to do? How often do I try to center myself before I sit down in front of my plate? How often do I mindlessly pick something for lunch based on convenience instead of picking something my body will really appreciate and use well?

Among other things, mindful eating means not gorging absent-mindedly while doing something else like watching TV or chattering away, and learning to tell when you feel full enough or that you've reached "taste-specific satiety."

This is the phenomenon by which, after four or five bites, taste buds lose their sensitivity to the chemicals in food that make it taste good. It is taste-specific satiety that explains why the first bites of chocolate taste better than later ones and why, when you cannot manage another bite of steak, you have plenty of enthusiasm for ice cream. Once you recognize that you're losing the pleasure of a certain taste, it's easier to stop eating it.

This article is a lesson to me. Slow down. Taste your food. Notice it. Appreciate the textures, the scents, the warmth, the coldness. Really pay attention. Breathe between bites. Notice your body. Bring the same present moment awareness you cultivate on the cushion to each and every mealtime... not just formal meal times (breakfast, lunch, dinner) but the moments when you want to snack.

When you want to snack, notice what you are craving. Are you hungry? Do you just want the taste of something sweet or salty? What about that Hershey's bar... Do you have to eat the whole thing just because you opened it? They do section it off into nice tiny bite sized rectangles. Next time I think I need chocolate I might just take one section at a time, slowly, and try to notice when that sweet craving is actually satisfied... try to notice when I cross the line between enjoying a little chocolate and eating it because it's there.

A Wise Approach to Kong'ans

I've been rather intimidated by the notion of Kong'an (koan) practice. I've only had one kong'an interview thus far, but I found myself wanting to "get it right," to "know the answer." Yesterday I was browsing on the Golden Wind Zen Group's website and I found this information on the practice which I believe to be a wise approach:

Most people understand too much. This understanding cannot help your life. Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." So "I" makes "I". If you are not thinking, then what? Even if you have a big experience, if you cannot attain the one pure and clear thing, then all you understanding and experience cannot help your practice. Therefore Zen practice is not about understanding. Zen means only go straight, don't know.

So put it all down - your opinion, your condition, and your situation. Then your mind is clear like space. Then a correct answer to any kongan will appear by itself. This is wisdom.

When you try a kongan, if you don't attain it, don't worry! Don't be attached to the kongan, and also don't try to understand the kongan. Only go straight, don't know: try, try, try for then thousand years, nonstop. Then you attain the Way, the Truth, and the Life, which means from moment to moment keeping the correct situation, correct relationship, and correct function. That is already Great Love, Great Compassion, and the Great Bodhisattva Way.

My Summer Retreat

I've decided that I'm going on retreat... right here in my apartment. I still have to work, but outside of work I will be using my spare time for practice... I won't be online, I won't be posting... so I'm sure I'll have a lot to catch up on next Sunday.

p.s. I watched Hotel Rwanda with my parents tonight. I had been wanting to see it for a long time. Watching that movie reminds me that I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

A Year in the Sangha

We've had a whirlwind of activity at Still Point this month... a precepts ceremony for children, Buddha's birthday, an ordination ceremony for two Dharma students. This time last year, I took vows for the first time. I had a sangha for the first time. I started to learn about the rich, colorful tradition of Korean Zen.

What difference has it made... this year in the Sangha? I'm starting to learn to be less studious and more experiential with my practice. I've always been a reader, a student. I've always thought the way to get to know something was to study it... and this year I mostly approached my Zen practice in this way. When something troubled me, I looked for wisdom in books. I looked for Dharma.

Until I started Intensive Practice, I didn't understand the beauty or simplicity of practice. I've always thought that everything needed to be complicated, that things are only resolved through strenuous effort... hard work. In Intensive Practice, I started to touch the beauty of "just sit" and of "don't know." I didn't sustain consistent involvement in the program for more than a couple of months, but those were valuable months.

I've dealt with a great deal of resistance and a mountain of stress this past year. I did not hold on to my practice to the degree that I could have to get through the difficult moments. I don't know why.

Developing consistency in practice has been hard... maybe because I've tried to intellectualize my practice instead of just doing it. Maybe because I expected to make big strides without first making small steps. In order to sit mindfully for 30 minutes, you first have to sit mindfully for one minute, then five, then ten. Mostly, I think I tried to do more than I was prepared to do before I was prepared to do it.

I'm noticing a shift in my focus. I can see that this past year I've mostly wanted to just be a good student... to have a good Practice Report Card. Now, it is time to train in the preliminaries without worrying about whether or not I'm good at it, if I'm doing enough... without expecting anything to change because of it, especially things I don't always like about myself.

Dharma for Kids... WWBD?

Up until recently, my Zen practice has been my own. I have read some Buddhist stories to my daughter, and allowed her to explore the books we have at her leisure... but I never decided that I was going to "make her" Buddhist. As she prepares to participate in the upcoming precepts ceremony, I wonder if she is drastically unprepared.

A few weeks ago, there was an article posted on The Buddhist News Channel about teaching Dharma to children. I flagged it as something I wanted to read later. With all of this "precepts preparation" going on, it seemed a good time to read it. The article, How would Buddha handle your kids, has simple advice which took a great weight off of my shoulders:

The Buddha's advice to parents is straightforward - help your children become generous, virtuous, responsible, skilled and self-sufficient adults [see DN 31 and Sn II.4].

Teaching Buddhism to one's children does not mean giving them long lectures about dependent  co-arising, or forcing them to memorize the Buddha's lists of the eightfold  this, the ten such-and-suches, the seventeen so-and-sos. It simply means giving  them the basic skills they'll need in order to find true happiness. The  rest will take care of itself.

The article references the Ambalatthikarahulovada Sutta [Instructions to Rahula at Mango Stone], which recounts Buddha's teaching to his son Rahula upon catching him in a lie. The teaching is SO practical... In the beginning, Buddha uses a series of metaphors and questions to explain that a person who takes no shame in telling a deliberate lie throws away whatever merit or skill they might have accumulated through contemplative practice. The teaching goes on:

Before you perform a bodily, mental, or verbal act...

1. Think about it.
2. Do you think it will be skillful or unskillful?
3. If you think it will be unskillful, abandon it... don't do it.
4. If you think it will be skillful, try it.

After you perform a bodily, mental or verbal act...

1. Think about it.
2. Were the results skillful or unskillful?
3. If the act resulted in suffering (by self, others or both) it was unskillful. Confess it. Practice restraint. Abandon it.
4. If the act resulted in happy consequences and joyful results, you may continue it.

Buddhism is not meant to be theoretical... You can read the dharma and study the sutras, but the point of study is to take the teachings on in a practical sense. When we had our precepts preparation meetings last year, each week we were asked to reflect on two precepts, what they meant to us, how we might apply them to our lives, what "came up" for us around them, etc. We would then sit in a circle and talk about them.

The children's precepts are a bit different than the ones we take as adults:

1. Do not harm, but cherish all life
2. Do not take what is not given but respect the things of others
3. Do not lie but speak the truth
4. Do not waste but conserve energy and natural resources
5. Do not stay angry or hold grudges
6. Do not cling to things that belong to you, but practice generosity and the joy of sharing

The precepts we take are phrased a bit differenly than they are in other places... I suppose the fact that they are prefixed with the words "Do Not..." makes them seem rather authoritative. Paul mentions this in his recent comment:

I have to ask about these precepts. I agree with all of them, yet the features of Buddhism that have most attracted me are meditation, following the Eightfold Path, and developing one's inner being in a direction of enlightenment.

My Buddhist reading has been eclectic and self directed, but I haven't run into precepts before. I guess that frankly I'm a little concerned that it starts to have the feeling of the Ten Commandments, and the dogmatic rather than experiential approach I was familiar with growing up as a Catholic.

On their face, I suppose they would come off a bit authoritative... but we are not taught to use them that way. We are taught to try them on. We are taught that we can grow into them. "Do not harm but cherish all life" doesn't mean we have to be vegetarian... but we might find that we end up there naturally. We are in constant relationship with our precepts... sometimes we might be totally mindless about conserving energy, for example. At other times, we might be more deliberate... turning off lights that aren't being used... limiting the time we are in the shower, washing clothes in cold water, etc.

As we discuss them, I'm looking for ways to make them practical for my daughter, and to have her think about the consequences of breaking a precept instead of looking at them simply as "you must/must not..." rules or prescriptions. What happens to you when you stay angry? How does it make you feel? Does it help? What would help?

The Bodhisattva Path

I'm reading a couple of versions of The Bodhicaryavatara (A Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life) by Santideva. My interest in this text was spawned by a simple quote on the Still Point home page:

May the poor find wealth,
Those weak with sorrow find joy;
May the forlorn find hope,
constant happiness and propserity.
May the frightened cease to be afraid
and those bound be free;
May the weak find power,
and may their hearts join in friendship.

This quote sums up what a Bodhisattva wants. If you're unfamiliar with the term, a Bodhisattva is an enlightened being who consciously delays the personal experience and reward of Enlightenment until all beings everywhere can be saved. Santideva wrote the book on it.

Santideva was that Buddhist that could never catch a break. When he worked in the service of a King to ensure that the country was ruled according to Buddhist principles, he inspired the jealousy of other monks. When he resigned his position with the King, he joined the monestary. The monks thought he was lazy and inept. Hoping to prove their opinions of him, they challenged him to a recitation. Santideva asked if he was to recite an existing text or an original composition. When the monks encouraged him to recite an original composition, he recited the Bodhicaryavatara—one of the most beloved texts in Mahayana Buddhism to this day.

Studying the Bodhisattva ideal humbles me. When I look at what it takes to really be a Bodhisattva, I'm struck by the ways in which I whine about my world, my laziness, my frequent detachment from the suffering of others. I see living, breathing examples of this ideal and start to really get what selflessness means.

Would I forgo food for 100 days to save the salamanders?

In the face of complete selflessness, I'm forced to look at all the little things I could be doing to make the world a better place. Instead of beating up on myself for being lacking in saintly behavior, I look at what I can do today.

The Bodhicaryavatara has many suggestions. The beginning of the text focuses on the awakening of the Bodhichitta mind.

Bod · hi · chit · ta In the Tibetan tradition it is seen as having two aspects, relative and absolute. The relative mind of enlightenment is divided again into two phases (1) the intention and wish, nurtured by limitless compassion, to attain liberation for the sake of the welfare of all beings and (2) actual entry into meditation, the purpose of which is the acquisition of the appropriate means to actualize this wish. The absolute mind of enlightenment is viewed as the vision of the true nature of phenomena.

[...from The Shambhala Dictionary of Buddhism and Zen, pg. 23]

So, here's what we can do:

1. Invoke in ourselves the desire to be compassionate and work for the welfare of all beings
2. Meditate to acquire the means to be more compassionate and actualize the bodhisattva ideal

This is why sitting matters. No matter how much we might want to save the world, we need to develop ourselves in order to do so. Saving the world starts with saving ourselves. The ability to be compassion, loving-kindness, equanimity and joy increases as we sit with courage and mindfulness. But we have to be intentional. I have to be intentional. I'm off to sit.