I Get Letters

Every now and then, I get letters from people who stumble across this blog on their travels through the web. Every now and then, these letters seek an opinion or advice on a subject. I received one weeks ago, and I've though about it on and off... wondering what I might say in response.

The subject of this inquiry is on relationships--romantic relationships in particular. I've been single for a long time and I don't count myself an expert in this arena. Disclaimers aside, here's the question:

On my mind lately has been two words: peace and happiness (I keep hearing Al Green sing them, ala "Love and Happiness").  But I keep thinking of them as different, the difference between peace and happiness.  I am not sure what that difference is exactly.

And particularly I have been thinking about my current love relationship, and all of the love relationships I have had (not that many), and asking whether they brought me much peace.  I think we pursue relationships in order to find happiness, but perhaps we don't ask often enough whether they bring us peace.

Any thoughts?  Any experiences that come to mind?  Does a useful definition of the difference between peace and happiness come to mind?

Maybe I'm cynical. I don't know that relationships are designed to bring us happiness or peace. While in relationship to another, we may experience happiness and peace, but I don't know that it is the job of the relationship to provide those experiences.

From a Buddhist perspective, I think peace and happiness are found in the present moment and that each individual in a relationship is charged with finding his or her own peace and happiness. A relationship is an occasion for joy and peace when two people find they can meet each other in a moment--whether intimate or mundane--with compassionate attention and awareness.

But let's face it... relationships can be messy.

They are messy because we have expectations that go unmet. We want someone to be something to us--partner, lover, friend, whatever--and we have a list of job duties for the role we want them to fill. They meet less than 99.9% of our requirements and we are unhappy. They don't complete their assignments in a timely manner and we want to fire them. We think we made the wrong choice... picked the wrong person. Maybe we did. Maybe we are too picky--too attached to our ideals--too focused what's supposed to be in our perfect picture to focus on what's wonderful in this moment. We have a bad day and we want our partner to do that thing (whatever that thing is) that makes us feel better. Maybe they come home with their own bad day experience and don't live up to our desires for the moment. Instead of being attentive and encouraging, maybe they are withdrawn and sulky--focused on their own concerns.

Relationships are messy because they aren't made harmonious by magic. The magic happens as a result of commitment from both sides to grow together. The magic happens when people recognize the things they do to get in the way of the peace and happiness that can arise in a relationship and take action to get out of the way.

Relationships are messy because long-term interaction between two people requires a constant letting go and often a willingness to change. There can be no peace between people who hold on to disagreements or past hurts. There can be no peace between people who are unwilling to look at their patterns and the affect those patterns have on the people around them.

I think a lot of the work that makes for great interpersonal relationships is personal, solitary work. We often think relationships are supposed to make our lives better in some way, and maybe they do... but I think they only work when we are willing to work on ourselves... and the more we work on ourselves the more prepared we are to participate in healthy/fun/peaceful/happy/_insert adjective of choice_ relationships with others.

I think there is only one reason to ever enter into a relationship. You don't enter a relationship for what you might get out of it (though you might get a lot). You enter a relationship to connect with another person who shares the desire to connect with you. During the course of that connection, there might be great joy, great sadness, great peace, great turmoil, great pleasure, and great pain. Relationships, like everything else, are impermanent and subject to constant change. Perhaps peace and happiness are found in realizing just that.

Forgiveness

Several things have popped up recently that have caused me to consider the ways in which I tend towards (or shy away from) forgiveness.

First, there was an e-mail from a previous dating fiasco. He apologized for his conduct and lack of communication and asked for forgiveness. I didn't hesitate. I forgave him. I'm well past the frustration and hurt feelings... so it is easy to say "let bygones be bygones." Intellectually, I get that no one owes me anything. Translating that statement into dating and relationships, I get that phone calls, dates, attention of any kind is strictly voluntary... as is courteous, kind, respectful behavior. I don't expect people to be nice to me just because it is the socially acceptable (or at least preferable) way of being. So I'm learning to not be upset with people when they don't do what I want them to do. Looking back on the situation, I acknowledge that what really caused my upset was the fact that I had a certain expectation... I had a certain "desired outcome" that went bust. My fault. My bad.

Expectation is just one form of craving. And it doesn't just reserve itself for romantic relationships. It can translate to friendships as well. I've been really irritated by one of my friends lately. I find her behavior often selfish, and I'm really put off by what I perceive to be a lack of compassion or concern for any needs and desires, save her own. What I've noticed lately is that I have cut off my compassion for her. It's become some kind of game. "If you're not going to be compassionate, I'm not either. So there." Venting about it over dinner with a mutual friend last night, I caught myself. I saw how stuck I've been.

I've been stuck at work, too. I doubt I'm the only person on the planet who has that one person to deal with at work who seems utterly impossible. Well, there's one more person I approach with frustration and irritation absent any trace of compassion or forgiveness.

This week sucked. I think it mostly sucked because I've been mired in a state of unforgiveness. I didn't have one night of uninterrupted sleep. In the middle of the week, I dusted off a translation of Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life. The Guide frequently reminds us that we should be grateful for all difficult people and situations because they are occasions for us to lift our spiritual muscle and be about the business of bringing dharma to life.

If, because of my own shortcomings,
I do not practice patience with my enemy,
It is not he, but I, who prevent me from practicing
     patience,
The cause of accumulating merit.

My enemy is the cause of my accumulating the
     merit of patience
Because without him there is no patience to
     practice.
Whereas with him there is.
So how does he obstruct my virtuous practice.

[... v. 103-104 from the chapter Relying on Patience in Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life by Santideva. Translated by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, pg. 86]

One of the things I appreciate about The Guide is that it does not try to suggest that reactions such as anger or unforgiveness are "improper" or "to be avoided at all costs." They are accepted as natural responses to situations and it is suggested that we should fight them (as they are delusions) without beating up on ourselves for succumbing to them.

And so that is what I do tonight.

Kalyana Mitta

This has been a beautiful week, a beautiful weekend. I decided to try something new, and threw my hat into the ring on one of the online buddhist-friendly dating services. After a week of more conversation than sleep, we met Friday over a meal (and Saturday over another meal). I think more than I'm excited about dating again, more than I'm blown away by how unreasonably hot and amazing this man is, I'm bolstered by the fact that I have found someone that I believe will be an excellent Kalyana Mitta... a supportive spiritual friend.

One of the Buddha's disciples once said to him, "It seems, venerable sir, that half the holy life is having good spiritual friends." The Buddha replied: "In fact, the whole of the holy life is having good spiritual friends." Each of us can benefit greatly from having friends who genuinely support our spiritual journey.

[...from pg. 7 of the Workbook in Insight Meditation: A Step-by-Step Course on How to Meditate with Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein]

A while ago, I read the girl's entry, what makes you beautiful. I read it in the middle of the night, and I was too incoherent to craft a thoughtful, appreciative response... but I was moved by the post. In it, she says:

Anyway, I had somehow attached being shiny and brilliant (as a kind friend recently described me, which for those of you that don’t know is a very Shambhalian thing to say) to being in love, and the conclusion that I came to during Warrior’s Assembly was that being in love had nothing to do with it. It wasn’t the love that helped me to be beautiful. It was the fact that my lover taught me to meditate.

Beauty can be a difficult thing for a woman to see in herself... especially if she is not vain, if she went through an "ugly duckling" phase that included glasses AND braces, if she was taught to see herself as her imperfections, if she's ever passed a magazine rack or watched television or movies. But (though I've been guilty of it, I know...) comparing oneself to conventional standards of beauty is a useless exercise. I think the girl is on to something... beauty can be found in the ways in which we support each other in our spiritual pursuits, in the ways we hold each other up as friends, as lovers... in the ways we act as a stand for someone... a stand for their goals, their dreams, their practice.

It means something to me, that I've been asked to be a stand for his practice. It somehow strengthens me and my resolve. I woke up this morning and I entered my practice effortlessly... yoga, meditation, breath... because keeping my word to him means keeping my word to myself. And that is a beautiful thing.

Getting Over Other People

(It's All in the Dhammapada, Post 1)

Relationships. I don't care what kind of relationship you are talking about... romantic relationships, friendships, relating with your kids, parents or other relatives, coworkers... it doesn't matter... Whenever two or more people are thrust into a situation when they have to interact with each other, there can be great potential for blame.

Maybe they just don't do it right, whatever it is. Maybe they just don't treat you the way you want (even deserve) to be treated. Maybe they hurt you in some way. Maybe a lot of things.

If you hold a grudge, if you blame, if you hold enmity against someone for any reason you lose. There are numerous verses in the Dhammapada that speak to this. I'll highlight two. The first comes from the Twin Verses (all quotes come from The Still Point Dhammapada)...

"He abused me; he beat me; he
defeated me; he robbed me."
If we cling to such thoughts
we live in hate.

We can become addicted to pointing fingers at other people... pointing out their faults and wrongs. We can become addicted to the "moral high ground." It is not a good place to sit in your practice. Because no matter what you are going off about, you have to know that you are living in hate. You are not being compassionate or loving-kind.

It took me a long time to get to a neutral place with my daughter's father. I thought he was robbing her of something so important to young girls as they develop... a relationship with her father. I thought he was robbing me by shirking his responsibility and paying child support. I was angry about it for a very long time. The essence of this next verse allows me to look at this situation (and other relationships) in a different light:

Do not analyze the failings of others.
Instead look at your own failings.
Where have you been responsible?
Where have you been irresponsible?

[...from Chapter 4 Flowers, pg. 24]

Here is an exercise. Do this for a week. Every time you find yourself ready to "analyze the failings of others," make a tally in a notebook, journal, PDA, whatever you carry. Make a little note about what you are thinking or talking about. Let these tally marks be a reminder to just cut it out. At the end of the week, sum up all of your tallies. This is just a small window into how much you judge, how much you point fingers, how much you blame. Don't get all upset with yourself about it, just notice it. At the end of the week, there will be some distance between you and whatever you were about to think or say. Take a fresh look at the situation or person at hand. Ask yourself: Where have I been responsible? Where have I been irresponsible? And leave it there.

It's All in the Dhammapada

A couple of weeks ago, I started this study... I wanted to know what the great masters were teaching on the subject of love and relationships. I found some great stuff out there... great dharma talks, great articles, great discussions. Then I picked up the Dhammapada. Beyond listening to the weekly readings at the temple, I hadn't read it in a while. I have to tell you...

Everything you ever really needed to know about how to navigate the murky waters of relationship is in the Dhammapada. From the first line to the last. I'm going to attempt a weekly post on this. Be back later with the first one.

Relationship Dharma

I'm still continuing my study on Dharma for Relationships. Last weekend, I uncovered a couple of interesting posts, threads and articles:

On the Dharma Realm Buddhist Youth (DRBY) website, there is an interesting thread about love and relationships. Some questions are raised: 

Can there be unconditional love in a romantic relationship? Should I have expectations in a romantic relationship? Is sexual desire bad in a romantic relationship? Being single= Being lonely and bored?

 Some cogent points were made:

Honesty is the most fundamental quality to a meaningful relationship...if you are dishonest even once, you will change the nature of this relationship completely...from something totally genuine and true to manipulation.

A meaningful relationship can only come from two truely free people who are willing to give each other the freedom to choose to be with each other at every moment. They are not bound by desire, need, boredom, or self projections (expectations).

A meaningful relationship is very genuine and compassionate. You will always look out for the best interest of your partner instead of yourself.

Having standards does not mean having expectations. Abandon expectations.

It's an interesting conversation. Check it out...

There's also this great Dharma talk out there... Jason mentioned it in a comment to a previous entry. It was deliverd at a wedding presided over by Sensei James Ishmael Ford. Good stuff.

And finally, there's this UrbanDharma.org Newsletter from March 2004 on Love in Buddhism.

I don't have any commentary on these things today... Just thought I'd share.

Hate the Game

I stepped away from relationships, dating, sex, all of it... for a long time. I was tired of the same old same old... Tired of navigating the strange waters that are modern relationships... Tired of all the dishonesty and inauthenticity that's out there... Instead I dove into my practice. I stopped missing the sex so much. But I missed the affection. I missed the friendship of a lover. I missed all the little things you get used to when you have someone special in your life.

I learned these past few weeks as I've ventured back into the dating game that I've been holding on so tightly to the past. I ran into someone that I felt so incomplete about for so long... I had a "the one who got away" fantasy going and I thought there was an opening there for something great. As it turns out, it was all in my head. I was faced with the first line in the Still Point Dhammapada:

Our minds create everything.

Did you ever wake up one morning and realize you were living entirely in your head? Have you ever had a relationship that stopped as quickly as it started? None of this is unusual. Sometimes things just don't work out. Often you meet someone and learn that you are drastically incompatible. I think I'm learning that what's most important is who you are being in the process. Are you clinging to the idea of a relationship so hard that you don't see that what you long for does not exist with this person sitting in front of you? I've been there. I didn't really go there this time.

But I did accomplish some things...

1. I looked at all the ways I was clinging to the past and all the ideas that I had about this person and I let all those illusions go.
2. I took a risk and I opened my heart to a possibility... always reminding myself that a relationship is never really more than that in the beginning. Nothing is set in stone, fixed, cemented... it's all very malleable... likely to change.
3. I noticed it when I was craving... clinging... wanting the phone to ring... wanting a certain outcome. I realized I was caught in a loop and I let it just fall away. I accepted that this "is what it is..." and is not meant to go anywhere... and I went for closure.

There is just one place where I've been stuck. I'm annoyed when people tell me what they think I want to hear. You don't really have to say, "I want to see you tomorrow," if you don't really mean it. Personally, I would prefer to hear, "This is just not working out." But as it stands I've been dealing with a guy who would rather fade silently into the background rather than have that conversation. It took me a couple days of deep judgement before I could get over it. It really doesn't mean as much about this guy as it shows how fearful we can be of honest communication. Nevertheless, I can still look at him with some compassion. It's like that quote that pop culture has given us... Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

Daily Dharma

About a hundred years ago in Korea there was a young woman who was about to be married. In those days marriages were arranged through a go-between. It was the custom that a bride would not know or even see her prospective marriage partner until the day of the ceremony. Hearing that the arrangements had been completed, the woman became quite excited, also very anxious. After all, her marriage would be the most important deciding factor of the rest of her life, and she didn't know exactly what was going to happen. She started thinking: "What will my husband be like? Handsome or ugly? I'd like a handsome man. Will he be kind or will he be inconsiderate? Oh, I so want a kind husband." Then she was also thinking, "I wonder if he'll be stupid or smart? I really would like to have a smart and clever husband. I hate dull men." Then she started to think about her mother-in-law to be.

In Korea at that time the wife went to live with the husband's family. Since life for a woman was bound to family and home, the mother-in-law controlled the new wife's whole life. So she was just as worried about her mother-in-law as about her prospective husband. "What will this women be like? Will she be a tyrant? Will she be mean? Or, will she be kind and generous?" She thought about all this a lot, for months in advance -- thinking and thinking. Then, just the day before the ceremony she had to go to her sister's village for the final fitting of her wedding dress. Korea is quite mountainous; so she had to cross a low pass to get to the village. As she walked, she was thinking about her marriage and since it was close to the wedding day, her mind was reeling. Then, just as she came to the top of the pass and started down towards the village, a tiger jumped out in front of her...... "Grrrrrrrrrhh!!!" That's the end of the story as we know it.

To some, this story is sad because we have expectations. But this woman is not special because we always meet the tiger sooner or later. But to Zen students this story is interesting because one thing appeared very clear. We might say she got "tiger enlightenment." That means "wake up!" At any moment that can happen to us; it doesn't take a tiger. It's very simple.

[...from the Transmission Speech of Zen Master Dae Kwang, published Fall 1996 in Primary Point. a publication of the Kwan Um School of Zen]

The Buddhist Kama Sutras

I'm really interested in Buddhist teachings on love, marriage, relationships and sex. Being in relationship has been an area of life that I've ignored for almost a year now. Now that the possibility of relationship is waking up in my world, I'm thinking about how to apply mindfulness to the journey... how to approach relationships with a healthy balance of wisdom and fun.

I'm reading Everything Yearned For: Manhae's Poems of Love and Longing. What's most interesting to me about this volume is that it was written by a Buddhist Monk. The lines communicate passion and desire... topics one would think are somewhat taboo for a man in his station. Well, no one knows if Manhae became a monk before or after writing these poems, but the poems do have their teaching moments. Like this one, which gives the impression of a man trying to reconcile the Dharma with the love of his life:

Master's Sermon

I heard the Master's sermon:
"Don't be bound to the chains of love and suffer.
Cut the ties and your mind will find joy."

That Master is quite the fool.
To be bound with ties of love is painful, but to cut them
   is more painful than death.
In the tight bind of love's ties lies its unbinding.
Thus great liberation lies in bondage.
My love, I feared that the ties that bind me to you might be weak.
   so I've doubled the strands of my love.

Interesting, isn't it? The line that sticks out for me is this: Thus great liberation lies in bondage. It reminds me of that conversation in the beginning of Plato's Republic. It somewhat contradicts one of the responses... Basically, you have Socrates questioning a group of men about what they think constitutes the good life.  Does it lie in youth with sex, love and merry-making? Sophocles says:

I am only glad to be free of that;
It is like escaping from bondage
to a raging madman

...a sentiment so different from Manhae's poem.

Maybe they aren't really talking about the same thing. I think Sophocles is speaking more on sex than love. Manhae may be speaking more on the emotional, eternal, perhaps even spiritual bonds that love engenders. Who really knows... I think the questions I walk away from after thinking a bit on these things go something like this...

Yes, as Buddhists we are taught to cut out craving. But does that mean we are not allowed to experience desire? Does that wipe the possiblity of passion and physical enjoyment out of the mind or experience of the serious practitioner? Is it better to be a monk? To dedicate oneself wholly to practice outside all of the usual ties and bonds, or can we become enlightened beings that have husbands, boyfriends, or lovers?

This will be the focus of my study for a while... I'll be reading, writing, and Google-searching for sutras, insights, articles, dharma talks, books... anything that speaks to these topics. If you come across something interesting that you want to share, please let me know...

Oceans Apart

Recent conversations with my brother remind me of a relationship I was in for a long time and just couldn't seem to end (even when it was obvious that I should). I wrote this poem about it maybe two years into the journey:

Oceans Apart

She could not love him
though she tried
meeting him like
sand to tide
for though he came
he did retreat
leaving her wet
and incomplete

© 2001

My brother has been dating someone for about two years. He talks about how unhappy he is at least once a month, and I thought he had ended things recently when he broke off their engagement and moved out. Now he's trying to fix the relationship... patch things up... settle.

When your self-esteem is low, when you feel that life has kicked you around, when you're not where you want to be... you are not in the right space to start looking for a lifetime mate. I learned this lesson the hard way. I hope he doesn't fall as hard as I did.