Turbulent Reentry

I started blogging back in 2004 out of a sense of spiritual loneliness more than for any other reason. I'd returned home with a child in tow in '97 and had been living with my parents, working and going to school.

I had gone through a bit of an identity crisis though I didn't know it or recognize it as such at the time. When I graduated from high school in '91, everyone thought I was off to Howard University to become some sort of big shot in whatever field I chose. It was expected that I'd meet a nice guy, come home and have my Dad walk me down the aisle as I entered the next natural evolution for a middle class girl raised with traditional and conservative values--marriage and motherhood. Nobody really understood that I was really just running away from home.

I read my first books on Buddhism while I was away at school during that first college career. With those, I read myriad other things. I introduced myself to yogis and gurus, travelled to Peru and "got" the insights with the main character in the Celestine Prophecy, bought a blue book with gold lettering and all of the available supplements I could find so I could make sense of it, surrounded myself with rose quartz and bloodstone, and started doing sun salutations and picking up Yoga Journal at the Barnes & Noble before it was en vogue.

I thought spirituality was important, but I didn't really know how to go about living a spiritual life. I felt my teachers had failed me. I grew up in "the church" where blind faith and presumption were prerequisite to practice, where song and sermon were inspirational and motivational but didn't feel instructional, where Sunday services were as much about proving who you were better than as they were about receiving the word. So, in search of spirit, I tried everything but drugs. I kept thinking that there was some group, some book, some thing out there that held the answers and if I just kept reading, kept hanging out at new age book stores, and kept acquiring and casting runes and chinese coins something would happen.

I was going through the (spiritual) motions.

One of the things I kept waiting for was a final realization that would explain to me who I was and where I fit. I carried around this drama around being adopted and had all kinds of stories in my head about what that meant. I mostly felt like an alien in my family. I wanted connection but I didn't really feel deeply connected to anyone. And though I thought it should, having sex didn't change that.

So there I was, a wanderer, a seeker, trying to figure out how to fix myself and the world around me... trying to learn "the truth."

It was with this truth-seeking mind that I first stumbled into Still Point, a Zen Buddhist temple in Detroit. It was the place I needed to be. I stopped reading books that made lists of the things I needed to fix about myself, and I stopped being concerned about my chakras. For two years I threw myself into this new practice, then my world fell apart. People close to me were sick and dying, work was more taxing than usual, my daughter was growing up and each new year required new attention. I felt myself pulled in a thousand directions and because I couldn't figure out how to make my practice fit in the middle of the chaos, I just held on. This statement made by Buddhist Philosopher in a comment on Tom's new blog describes the past few years of my life so clearly I won't bother to say it another way:

Most of us just live by momentum, asleep to the reality of duhkha, thirst, and the potential for awakening.

So it is 2009. I can't say that life is less hectic with the state of the economy, especially where I live and work, but I've been gradually making my way back to my practice and the virtual sangha that I felt very much a part of when the term buddhoblogosphere was coined. And I feel a little lost in this space. It's a little like moving back to your home town to find that everyone you know has moved away.

A few weeks ago I went looking for Blogmandu. I've relied on Tom in the past to keep me abreast of what's hot, fresh and new in the buddhoblogosphere and I couldn't find him anywhere. My first stop was as it always was... to his online magazine Zen Unbound. Initially, my first thought upon my visit was that he'd given the place a face lift. But the Tom I know would never feature prominently (or anywhere else) on his site links about elderly bathing aids, herniated discs or mesothelioma. Someone was toying with reality as I knew it. Well, I finally found Tom and read about what happened to zenunbound.com. And I'm embarrassed that I haven't known about what's been going on with my old friend for so long. That's just what happens when you check out... connections sever... and reentry can be painful.

Yes, it's 2009... and I truly feel that my practice must begin now or never. I'm watching the blocks I'd put up in the past (walls that prevented me from fully engaging my practice life) fall away... and I'm energized about beginning 108 days. I'm looking forward to returning to the temple, and I'm hoping to reconnect with old friends and make some new ones along the way.

Comments

[Moni]

Just want you to know that I appreciate your blog.

[chalip]

Thanks, Moni... that is very sweet of you to say.