Dharma Combat with a 12 Year Old

Yesterday, my beautiful daughter Ksanti was glaring at me. She was angry and sad and upset because I insisted that she clean her room and her bathroom. The weather is changing in Michigan and she can finally go outside and ride her bike and play with friends. So my pronouncement... that yes, you can go out after your chores are complete, was met with a bout preteen moodiness that culminated in a debate.

Here's how my daughter is about doing her chores. She'll do just enough to get around 80% of the way through the task and then she's decided she has done enough. I'm often an easy going mom (or I try to be) but this particular pattern has been grating on my nerves and so I picked yesterday to put my foot squarely on the ground. In response to my foot planting, we had an incredible exchange about happiness and the point of life in general.

After about the third or fourth time that I went to check her room and bathroom, I said for the third or fourth time, "No, you're not finished."

Then, the combat ensued. It started with the glaring. It made me curious. Here's a paraphrase of our exchange.

me: Why are you so angry?

ksanti: Never mind. You're not going to listen to me anyway.

me: I'm asking... why are you so mad? Because I'm asking you to clean?

ksanti: I don't see anything left to clean.

me: You're not looking. Go pay attention. See what's on the floor and pick it up.

ksanti: I already looked.

me: Look again.

ksanti: What's the point?

me: The point?

ksanti: I was trying to make you happy, but I can't, so what's the point.

me: I'm not asking you to clean your room because it will make me happy. Why are you so worried about my happiness anyway.

ksanti: Because you are dissapointed.

me: Yes, I'm disappointed by the way you tend to want to ignore me when I ask you to complete your chores, but don't worry about how I feel. I feel all kinds of things... dissapointment, anger, sadness, happiness... I'm actually happy right now doing my chores so you don't have to try to make me happy.

me: So, why are you so unhappy?

ksanti: I just don't get it. What's the point of trying to be happy or going to school or doing homework or cleaning my room or anything? Even if I do get to go outside and play with my friends, I'm just going to come home and be bored.

me: You don't see any value in learning? You want to be an ignorant person who can be easily swayed and cheated?

ksanti: No [I don't want that].

me: Well, I guess if there's no point, there is no need for you to go outside and play with your friends.

ksanti: Good point. I'll be in my room. No, wait... then you'll just come in and tell me to clean it.

me. Yes, you're right.

Dear Buddha, Give me the strength to be a good mom while wading through the hormones and mood swings of a preeteen. - chalip.

Comments

[Sudo]

Ahhh, this child is experiencing the first noble truth and seeing a glimpse of the second! *laugh*

What a beautiful moment. Good for her. And for you!

[chalip]

Sudo, you are so right! I didn't even think about it that way...

I just couldn't believe where the conversation went... But I'm happy to report that the chores were completed.

[Dogo Barry Graham]

Hi, this is a very cool blog. Still Point is a great place - my friend Ango used to be the abbot there, and Koho is terrific.

[chalip]

Thanks, Dogo... mostly because through your comment I found your blog.

The world is small. I didn't have an opportunity to really get to know Ango but I remember him... he had a quiet way about him... seemed to just radiate gentleness and peace. And I agree, Koho is great.

[Dogo Barry Graham]

Ango is also one of the funniest people you could ever meet.

I hope you're enjoying the blog!

[Adrian Kurnit]

Please post, and distribute.
re: Five Mountain Sangha

We have received inquiries regarding the Five Mountain Sangha, which claims affiliation with the Kwan Um School of Zen. They are in no way affiliated with the Kwan Um School of Zen, nor are they affiliated with Zen Master Ji Bong. They have no affiliation with any school and the people involved have claimed affiliation with different Buddhist schools and exposed in E-Sangha and other forums in the past as a fraud. None of the teachers have Inka from any school despite claiming to be Japanese Tendai Priests, Indian Monastics, and much more. In fact, the "School" has changed names, same address at least three times in the last three years, each with the same leader, who has never been ordained by any school despite the false claims. At the bottom is a letter from Ji Bong, who is listed in several of the Five Mountain School's letters, pamphlets as the Zen Master who has "ordained" these people. He clearly says this is nothing more than a scam, and that the "Zen Master" Paul Lynch was no more than a student of his at one time.

Note below that James Foster, who has refereed to himself as "Reverend", "Osho", "JPDSN" and "Roshi" has created in the last few years several organizations at his home address. Both the Tendia Order and the Karma Kagyu have confirmed that he has never been affiliated with them.

1) Daiun-Ji Great Cloud Temple is a training and practice Dharma Center in the Tendai Buddhist tradition, located in the Cincinnati Ohio area. James Foster 2910 Kling Ave Cincinnati OH 45211 US
2) Great Cloud Zen Center. James Foster 2910 Kling Avenue Cincinnati 45211 ... is an American Zen Organization in the Korean Son lineage of Zen Master Sungsan (Seung Sahn)
3) Cincinnati Karma Kagyu 2910 Kling Avenue, Cincinnati, OH 45211 Contact: James Foster Tel: (513) 238.4639 Email: [email protected]

---------

Dear Students of the Golden Wind Zen Group and the Public at Large:

It is with a great deal of sadness and wistfulness that I write this letter is to inform you that Paul Lynch was permanently suspended on July 13, 2008 as a Ji Do Poep Sa Nim in the Golden Wind Zen Teaching Order. I originally asked Paul to take a leave of absence as a teacher during which time he could begin to practice regularly once again and make an effort to deal with his severe health problems and personal issues. When informed of this leave-of-absence from teaching, Paul decided to walk away from the sangha entirely.

A Ji Do Poep Sa is permitted to teach only under the direct supervision of their supervising Zen Master according to the Korean/American Zen tradition.

Any teaching done by Paul (under the rubric of a “Before Thinking” organization or in any other forum) is, therefore, presented without the consent or approval of Zen Master Ji Bong. Consequently, Zen Master Ji Bong accepts no responsibility for any of Paul Lynch’s words or actions currently or at any time in the future. Paul Lynch is not in any respect to be considered the Dharma heir of either Zen Master Seung Sahn or Zen Master Ji Bong.

If a student -JDPS is unwilling to follow his/her teacher, that student gives up all rights to any claims of lineage. One has authentic lineage or one has nothing – that is the majesty of the Zen Tradition.

Ironically, this experience has become a good teaching experience for all of us. We must watch our steps in each moment – remember there is always a banana peel close by.

Zen Master Ji Bong (August 17, 2008)

[Katy]

Lovely post :-)

I just found your blog. I like it!

[sandy lumpkin]

ahhh, i appreciate your postulations about the practice of the way... when i practice i am not even a buddhist, not even in the floating world, iff my walk doesn't speak of my practice, how can words possibly convey it, this only comes for me after a lifetime of rigid adherence to ever so mny freedom seeking ways... as of now i simply am attempting to let go of letting go... may our lives be filled with compassion peace love and prosperity...

- layman sandy

[Bohemian single mom]

What a great post!! Coming from a mom of her one 13 year old who has the same "issues" about cleaning her room!
Great blog -glad I found ya!

[John]

Barry Graham = Zen fraud

http://enlightenmentward.wordpress.com/2009/03/27/why-are-legitimate-religious-credentials-important-and-a-round-up-of-links-to-an-on-going-question/

http://enlightenmentward.wordpress.com/2009/02/09/blogroll-change-and-policy-of-inclusion-for-those-listed-as-teachers-on-this-blog/