Good Enough

If I had to pick just one word to describe my approach to life these past few months, I would have to say consumed. Consumed with work, mostly. My family is doing well. Mom continues chemo. Dad can now do his dialysis using a machine at night which leaves only one exchange during the day (huge time savings). Ksanti is excited about going back to school.

I've been working a lot of overtime and bringing a lot of work home. Not because anyone said I had to do it, just because somehow it felt like what I needed to be doing. In hindsight, I think I've been so caught up in making things work at work that I've lost all sense of balance in the rest of my life. I've also lost touch with my practice life.

I've had this thought running through my head. I've thought that if I joined the seminary at Still Point, my practice would improve. I believed this for a long time. I also thought there was something really special about being a Dharma student and completing the seminary program. Perhaps it seemed like the difference between college and Honors college. Isn't one better? My achievement mind thought so... better to go for the gold, be an "honors student".

I thought about this today when I read Koho's message in the July 2006 Still Point Newsletter. Here's a passage:

I’m reminded of a story P’arang used to tell about her teacher, Ven. Samu Sunim. Apparently, a member of his temple was trying to kick antidepressants some years ago, and asked Sunim for any advice he had; any practices he could recommend. Sunim said, Practice gratitude. Every night as you fall asleep, think of ten things for which you’re grateful.

P’arang was sure this fellow wouldn’t make it. Gratitude? That’s it?

He’ll be fine, Sunim replied.

And he was.

We sometimes have so little faith in the simple things that work that even in spiritual matters we think we’re not getting enough. We need more koans, more empowerments, more experiences. But this whole notion that we can’t get enough is just that: a notion. An idea. Or like the old texts say, a phantom, a mirage, a bubble. The fact is that even in the most difficult circumstances, there’s always something for which we can be grateful. This breath. This hand holding this orange.

These days, I think I need to drop all notions of specialness. Any ideas I have about what makes a good practitioner just need to fall away. The good student is not necessarily the student who can do 108 full prostrations without breaking a sweat, or the student who cracks every koan on the first try, or the student who can sit for 60 full minutes without moving or feeling any pain or discomfort. First of all, this ideal student doesn't exist. It's just the same notion of perfection that I often think I must apply to myself in all ways.

Today, I'm reminding myself that whatever I can do with a pure heart and the best intention is good enough.

Thinking About It...

I think I know I will apply for the Dharma Student program at Still Point at some point. I'm thinking that after six months of consistent Intensive Practice I will be ready for the challenge. Maybe I'm just thinking too much or trying to come up with a strategy when there is none... Maybe there's only just doing it.

A couple of days ago I was surfing for information on our temple's lineage so I could answer a penpal's question. During the browsing session I reviewed some information about the Maitreya Buddhist Seminary. I was particularly moved by the Everyday Admonition for Dharma Students:

1. Please perform your formal morning practice faithfully Monday through Friday. Your morning practice is the place of your awakening that you are the living embodiment of the Buddha through your response to the Buddha Shakyamuni and spiritual communion with His tradition of wisdom and compassion. Always begin your day cheerfully with your morning practice and examine yourself before you retire and give thanks to all the Buddhas and Bodhisattvas of the day. (Yebul)
2. Follow your weekly Dharma schedule, be fully accountable for your duties and do your utmost. (Sense of Duty)
3. Enlightenment and truth are always before your eyes and within your reach. Enlightenment is the pure and sincere heart of practice itself, and the truth is the spirit of practice that all sentient beings are Buddha. Accordingly, there is no enlightenment or truth apart from the common ordinary person and the everyday task. You should know that it is delusion to run around looking for truth and enlightenment, and to seek or anticipate them from the outside. Let go of your delusion. The mind of the Dharma student should be one of fortitude with the faith and power of the Bodhisattva Vow and free from fear, angst and worries.  So keep your mind in alignment everyday. (Life of No Delusion)
4. Repent, seek forgiveness and restore yourself right away if you caused trouble to others, committed wrongdoings or made blunders through carelessness and inattention.  Keep your mind free from guilt and remorse through sincere repentance and avoid retribution such as hatred and enmity. Constant repentance is constant awakening.  (Repentance)
5. The body-and-mind of the Dharma student should be poor and pure. Care for goods and  articles. They are the properties of the Three Jewels. Use them clean and sparingly so that they last.  Recycle them when they are no longer useful. Clean utensils and implements after use and put them where they belong. Try to manage with less or loss, if possible, but be generous and helpful to others as much as possible. (Hidden Virtue)
6. Always keep your dwelling and environment clean and tidy.  To take good care of your dwelling place and temple environment is to take good care of the body-and-mind of your Dharma student training.  To take good care of the body-and-mind of your Dharma student training (purity of heart) is to transform this world into the land of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas.  Cleaning and keeping our environment free from pollution is the Pure Land movement. Be on your guard and diligent. (Environmental Movement)
7. It is conduct unbecoming to a Dharma student to pick on others and blame them in order to build a self-defense or reinforce one's position.  It is the downfall of a Dharma student to become jealous of the other people's prosperity and gloat over others' misfortunes. If such a feeling or thought arises you should perform prostrations right away and surrender your weakness, and renew your Bodhisattva vows and pray for the happiness of all beings. (Renewal and Kido)
8. All Dharma students should be happy and energetic Buddhists ready to lend a helping hand.  (Three Stars)

Granted, you don't have to be a Dharma student to do any of this. Or maybe a different way of saying it is that lay practitioners are dharma students in a manner of speaking. So much of this is good medicine for me right now. I could say more... maybe I will over the next week or so. For now I just wanted to share this in the hope that it would be a source of inspiration/food for thought for you online Buddhas and Bodhitsattvas.

It Could Be Worse...

I think there is a continuum of grateful, thankful thinking... Maybe the continuum moves from "It could be worse..." to "I have only thanks... no complaints." Tonight I want to start with "It could be worse..." I think if I can think of at least five reasons why it could be worse, I will be more grateful for what is... for what I have right now. Anyone who wants to is invited to join in. Be serious. Be silly. Be outrageous. Be funny. Be sarcastic (I have a special love for sarcasm). Let's blog our way to gratitude. I'll begin.

1. It is very cold. It is snowing outside. I don't like winter but It could be worse. I could be sitting outside in the snow instead of sitting here in my warm apartment.
2. Certain things about a certain coworker really irk me but it could be worse. I could be spending my mornings in the unemployment office, cruising the want ads and struggling to make ends meet.
3. My parents have been irritating me lately. Sometimes I wish they would support me more and criticize me less but it could be worse. My father's parents are no longer alive and I'd be willing to bet he would be happy to be irritated by one of them just once.
4. I have no idea what the writers of Alias are thinking this season but it could be worse. I could be living without Lost.
5. I have the worst headache right now but it could be worse. The fact that I can feel anything means my body is functioning. That's a good thing even if I don't like how it is functioning.

Your turn. Whatever is going on in your world... think about it. Couldn't it be worse?

Engaged Buddhism: An Inquiry

I've been of the opinion that you can't really change other people. People change themselves. I don't discount the fact that people can be inspired by others, or that people can be persuaded to think or behave differently. I just believe that if the desire to change, self-correct, reflect, or grow is not present in a person, you can beat your head against the wall until you bleed... that person is not going to change. It is always a choice... a choice that I have no control over... so I don't put a lot of effort into trying to get people to be different than they are.

I guess my question now is "Should I?" Nacho's recent comment touched on a lot of points... I'll be thinking about them and responding to them as time and space allow me to do so. For now, I'll just highlight this segment and close with an inquiry. Nacho says:

...yes, people do need to change. I do believe in the potential for change, both individually and socially. Buddhist thought also tells us that people can change.

The question of what changes people, or what ocassions social change, is difficult, and although it may very well be answered by saying "people have to want to change," it doesn't invalidate attempts at persuasion, or approaches that shape how people see things (framing).

[...but don't take it out of context. Read the whole post]

What do you say? Should we engage in Buddhist discourse, practice, and debate in an attempt to change and shape the world we live in and the people in it? As aspiring Buddhas and Bodhisattvas are we obligated to try to change society in order to fulfill our vow to save the world?

Can Zen Practice Fight Obesity?

According to this Buddhist Channel article, mindful eating can change eating habits, reduce binge eating, increase the enjoyment of food, and help us to be clear about when we have had enough.

I'm trying to lose weight. Last week, I walked almost two miles every night after work. I have workout tapes that I use. But what's interesting to me is that I find that when I'm caught up in my "I'm focused on losing weight now" mode, I'm not practicing as much. I'm tired from walking and working out the night before, so I'm not waking up early enough for sitting practice in the morning.

I also notice that for me, my weight loss efforts tend to focus 90% on being more active, and maybe 10% on changing the way that I eat. What this article reminds me of, is that the way that I eat means more than just the foods that I pick. How often do I really just sit down and eat without thinking about the next thing I have to do? How often do I try to center myself before I sit down in front of my plate? How often do I mindlessly pick something for lunch based on convenience instead of picking something my body will really appreciate and use well?

Among other things, mindful eating means not gorging absent-mindedly while doing something else like watching TV or chattering away, and learning to tell when you feel full enough or that you've reached "taste-specific satiety."

This is the phenomenon by which, after four or five bites, taste buds lose their sensitivity to the chemicals in food that make it taste good. It is taste-specific satiety that explains why the first bites of chocolate taste better than later ones and why, when you cannot manage another bite of steak, you have plenty of enthusiasm for ice cream. Once you recognize that you're losing the pleasure of a certain taste, it's easier to stop eating it.

This article is a lesson to me. Slow down. Taste your food. Notice it. Appreciate the textures, the scents, the warmth, the coldness. Really pay attention. Breathe between bites. Notice your body. Bring the same present moment awareness you cultivate on the cushion to each and every mealtime... not just formal meal times (breakfast, lunch, dinner) but the moments when you want to snack.

When you want to snack, notice what you are craving. Are you hungry? Do you just want the taste of something sweet or salty? What about that Hershey's bar... Do you have to eat the whole thing just because you opened it? They do section it off into nice tiny bite sized rectangles. Next time I think I need chocolate I might just take one section at a time, slowly, and try to notice when that sweet craving is actually satisfied... try to notice when I cross the line between enjoying a little chocolate and eating it because it's there.

A Wise Approach to Kong'ans

I've been rather intimidated by the notion of Kong'an (koan) practice. I've only had one kong'an interview thus far, but I found myself wanting to "get it right," to "know the answer." Yesterday I was browsing on the Golden Wind Zen Group's website and I found this information on the practice which I believe to be a wise approach:

Most people understand too much. This understanding cannot help your life. Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am." So "I" makes "I". If you are not thinking, then what? Even if you have a big experience, if you cannot attain the one pure and clear thing, then all you understanding and experience cannot help your practice. Therefore Zen practice is not about understanding. Zen means only go straight, don't know.

So put it all down - your opinion, your condition, and your situation. Then your mind is clear like space. Then a correct answer to any kongan will appear by itself. This is wisdom.

When you try a kongan, if you don't attain it, don't worry! Don't be attached to the kongan, and also don't try to understand the kongan. Only go straight, don't know: try, try, try for then thousand years, nonstop. Then you attain the Way, the Truth, and the Life, which means from moment to moment keeping the correct situation, correct relationship, and correct function. That is already Great Love, Great Compassion, and the Great Bodhisattva Way.

My Summer Retreat

I've decided that I'm going on retreat... right here in my apartment. I still have to work, but outside of work I will be using my spare time for practice... I won't be online, I won't be posting... so I'm sure I'll have a lot to catch up on next Sunday.

p.s. I watched Hotel Rwanda with my parents tonight. I had been wanting to see it for a long time. Watching that movie reminds me that I have absolutely nothing to complain about.

A Year in the Sangha

We've had a whirlwind of activity at Still Point this month... a precepts ceremony for children, Buddha's birthday, an ordination ceremony for two Dharma students. This time last year, I took vows for the first time. I had a sangha for the first time. I started to learn about the rich, colorful tradition of Korean Zen.

What difference has it made... this year in the Sangha? I'm starting to learn to be less studious and more experiential with my practice. I've always been a reader, a student. I've always thought the way to get to know something was to study it... and this year I mostly approached my Zen practice in this way. When something troubled me, I looked for wisdom in books. I looked for Dharma.

Until I started Intensive Practice, I didn't understand the beauty or simplicity of practice. I've always thought that everything needed to be complicated, that things are only resolved through strenuous effort... hard work. In Intensive Practice, I started to touch the beauty of "just sit" and of "don't know." I didn't sustain consistent involvement in the program for more than a couple of months, but those were valuable months.

I've dealt with a great deal of resistance and a mountain of stress this past year. I did not hold on to my practice to the degree that I could have to get through the difficult moments. I don't know why.

Developing consistency in practice has been hard... maybe because I've tried to intellectualize my practice instead of just doing it. Maybe because I expected to make big strides without first making small steps. In order to sit mindfully for 30 minutes, you first have to sit mindfully for one minute, then five, then ten. Mostly, I think I tried to do more than I was prepared to do before I was prepared to do it.

I'm noticing a shift in my focus. I can see that this past year I've mostly wanted to just be a good student... to have a good Practice Report Card. Now, it is time to train in the preliminaries without worrying about whether or not I'm good at it, if I'm doing enough... without expecting anything to change because of it, especially things I don't always like about myself.

Dharma for Kids... WWBD?

Up until recently, my Zen practice has been my own. I have read some Buddhist stories to my daughter, and allowed her to explore the books we have at her leisure... but I never decided that I was going to "make her" Buddhist. As she prepares to participate in the upcoming precepts ceremony, I wonder if she is drastically unprepared.

A few weeks ago, there was an article posted on The Buddhist News Channel about teaching Dharma to children. I flagged it as something I wanted to read later. With all of this "precepts preparation" going on, it seemed a good time to read it. The article, How would Buddha handle your kids, has simple advice which took a great weight off of my shoulders:

The Buddha's advice to parents is straightforward - help your children become generous, virtuous, responsible, skilled and self-sufficient adults [see DN 31 and Sn II.4].

Teaching Buddhism to one's children does not mean giving them long lectures about dependent  co-arising, or forcing them to memorize the Buddha's lists of the eightfold  this, the ten such-and-suches, the seventeen so-and-sos. It simply means giving  them the basic skills they'll need in order to find true happiness. The  rest will take care of itself.

The article references the Ambalatthikarahulovada Sutta [Instructions to Rahula at Mango Stone], which recounts Buddha's teaching to his son Rahula upon catching him in a lie. The teaching is SO practical... In the beginning, Buddha uses a series of metaphors and questions to explain that a person who takes no shame in telling a deliberate lie throws away whatever merit or skill they might have accumulated through contemplative practice. The teaching goes on:

Before you perform a bodily, mental, or verbal act...

1. Think about it.
2. Do you think it will be skillful or unskillful?
3. If you think it will be unskillful, abandon it... don't do it.
4. If you think it will be skillful, try it.

After you perform a bodily, mental or verbal act...

1. Think about it.
2. Were the results skillful or unskillful?
3. If the act resulted in suffering (by self, others or both) it was unskillful. Confess it. Practice restraint. Abandon it.
4. If the act resulted in happy consequences and joyful results, you may continue it.

Buddhism is not meant to be theoretical... You can read the dharma and study the sutras, but the point of study is to take the teachings on in a practical sense. When we had our precepts preparation meetings last year, each week we were asked to reflect on two precepts, what they meant to us, how we might apply them to our lives, what "came up" for us around them, etc. We would then sit in a circle and talk about them.

The children's precepts are a bit different than the ones we take as adults:

1. Do not harm, but cherish all life
2. Do not take what is not given but respect the things of others
3. Do not lie but speak the truth
4. Do not waste but conserve energy and natural resources
5. Do not stay angry or hold grudges
6. Do not cling to things that belong to you, but practice generosity and the joy of sharing

The precepts we take are phrased a bit differenly than they are in other places... I suppose the fact that they are prefixed with the words "Do Not..." makes them seem rather authoritative. Paul mentions this in his recent comment:

I have to ask about these precepts. I agree with all of them, yet the features of Buddhism that have most attracted me are meditation, following the Eightfold Path, and developing one's inner being in a direction of enlightenment.

My Buddhist reading has been eclectic and self directed, but I haven't run into precepts before. I guess that frankly I'm a little concerned that it starts to have the feeling of the Ten Commandments, and the dogmatic rather than experiential approach I was familiar with growing up as a Catholic.

On their face, I suppose they would come off a bit authoritative... but we are not taught to use them that way. We are taught to try them on. We are taught that we can grow into them. "Do not harm but cherish all life" doesn't mean we have to be vegetarian... but we might find that we end up there naturally. We are in constant relationship with our precepts... sometimes we might be totally mindless about conserving energy, for example. At other times, we might be more deliberate... turning off lights that aren't being used... limiting the time we are in the shower, washing clothes in cold water, etc.

As we discuss them, I'm looking for ways to make them practical for my daughter, and to have her think about the consequences of breaking a precept instead of looking at them simply as "you must/must not..." rules or prescriptions. What happens to you when you stay angry? How does it make you feel? Does it help? What would help?

The Bodhisattva Path

I'm reading a couple of versions of The Bodhicaryavatara (A Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life) by Santideva. My interest in this text was spawned by a simple quote on the Still Point home page:

May the poor find wealth,
Those weak with sorrow find joy;
May the forlorn find hope,
constant happiness and propserity.
May the frightened cease to be afraid
and those bound be free;
May the weak find power,
and may their hearts join in friendship.

This quote sums up what a Bodhisattva wants. If you're unfamiliar with the term, a Bodhisattva is an enlightened being who consciously delays the personal experience and reward of Enlightenment until all beings everywhere can be saved. Santideva wrote the book on it.

Santideva was that Buddhist that could never catch a break. When he worked in the service of a King to ensure that the country was ruled according to Buddhist principles, he inspired the jealousy of other monks. When he resigned his position with the King, he joined the monestary. The monks thought he was lazy and inept. Hoping to prove their opinions of him, they challenged him to a recitation. Santideva asked if he was to recite an existing text or an original composition. When the monks encouraged him to recite an original composition, he recited the Bodhicaryavatara—one of the most beloved texts in Mahayana Buddhism to this day.

Studying the Bodhisattva ideal humbles me. When I look at what it takes to really be a Bodhisattva, I'm struck by the ways in which I whine about my world, my laziness, my frequent detachment from the suffering of others. I see living, breathing examples of this ideal and start to really get what selflessness means.

Would I forgo food for 100 days to save the salamanders?

In the face of complete selflessness, I'm forced to look at all the little things I could be doing to make the world a better place. Instead of beating up on myself for being lacking in saintly behavior, I look at what I can do today.

The Bodhicaryavatara has many suggestions. The beginning of the text focuses on the awakening of the Bodhichitta mind.

Bod · hi · chit · ta In the Tibetan tradition it is seen as having two aspects, relative and absolute. The relative mind of enlightenment is divided again into two phases (1) the intention and wish, nurtured by limitless compassion, to attain liberation for the sake of the welfare of all beings and (2) actual entry into meditation, the purpose of which is the acquisition of the appropriate means to actualize this wish. The absolute mind of enlightenment is viewed as the vision of the true nature of phenomena.

[...from The Shambhala Dictionary of Buddhism and Zen, pg. 23]

So, here's what we can do:

1. Invoke in ourselves the desire to be compassionate and work for the welfare of all beings
2. Meditate to acquire the means to be more compassionate and actualize the bodhisattva ideal

This is why sitting matters. No matter how much we might want to save the world, we need to develop ourselves in order to do so. Saving the world starts with saving ourselves. The ability to be compassion, loving-kindness, equanimity and joy increases as we sit with courage and mindfulness. But we have to be intentional. I have to be intentional. I'm off to sit.

Twenty-three Minutes of Mu

I took some of my own advice today and just practiced. There is something very Zen about that Nike slogan "Just Do It." Quit your whining and belly-aching, and just sit there. No one cares about your endless pontifications about why you do or don't sit. Just sit and get on with it.

So I did.

I set a goal for 30 minutes. I have only done 20 minute sittings for the past year that I've attended Still Point. I wanted to see if I could do it. At the twenty-three minute mark, my left foot hit REM sleep. But I spent twenty-three whole minutes focused on Mu. I consider that a victory.

I'm wondering what fellow sitters do during meditation when body parts start to fall asleep. Am I the only rookie out here whose lower body hits snooze after 20 minutes of sitting?

I think I've finally had a breakthrough with Mu. It is actually very calming. It sweeps the mind and makes it more difficult for the mind to wander or to stay focused on a stream of thoughts... the focus is always on that next Mu. It takes doing it. Thinking about it wasn't going to get me to this place.

Taking Refuge

I'm dealing with a difficult situation at work. I have a supervisor who (among other things):

• Creates a hostile environment for her employees to work in
• Wants to be my friend, and provides me with better job incentives/more interesting challenging work when I'm being her friend
• Can't manage a project to save her life (too technical for too long to manage anyone)
• Expects employees to "respect" her, though her actions don't engender respect
• Talks about her employees behind their backs to other employees... criticizing them and their work
• Can't work a full 8-hour day to save her life
• Frustrates our customers
• Can't communicate effectively

The situation has been uncomfortable for me since she joined the company a year ago. My strategy has been to simply work around her... to find ways to support our customers without threatening her position... to tolerate her desire for frienship though I really don't want to make nice with my supervisors... to remind myself that she means well, and that she is doing the best she can... to remind myself that some people just don't care how their behavior affects others (especially their subordinates). My strategy worked pretty well until about a month ago.

My frustration has been mounting. I realize that I can no longer work around her, and I need to talk to her supervisor about what's going on. This week was the straw that broke the camel's back. She accused me of trying to sabotage our project and blocked my access to manage our application... a system that I've been managing on my own for the past six months.

Wednesday, I was so stressed I went to my temple for the lunch sitting. I got there at around 12:30 PM and found the sitting room empty. One of my dharma brothers was there, and invited me in to sit. Afterwards I talked about it with my teacher for awhile. She fed me soup and listened to my story.

"What would you tell me if I came to you with the same situation," she asked.

"I would say, 'Do your Practice'," I said. "For the past month I haven't been doing anything..."

"So you don't even have your practice to lean into," she asked.

I shook my head, no.

"You know, when I was working for corporate America, I taught myself how to move into slow motion. I found if I could just slow things down, I could create the space I needed to navigate through the difficult times," she said.

I'll have to try that.

I have let my job get in the way of everything. I don't rest well at night. I've stopped intensive practice alltogether. Sometimes I skip meals because I'm too stressed to eat. When I couldn't take it anymore, it was time to take refuge.

If nothing else, zen practice allows you to meet life's challenges from a place of calm. But you have to do it. For the past few days I've been listening to/chanting the Great Dharani, chanting the Three Refuges, and sitting. I'm still wound up about my job (and I think I will be until I have a chance to talk to my supervisor's supervisor and get some resolution). But doing my practice centers me, lowers my blood pressure, decreases my stress, and gives me peace.

My First Koan

Our teacher is gently preparing the sangha for next year's transition. After founding Still Point and offering five years of service, she will step down as our Guding Teacher and pass the reins to a recently ordained Dharma student. He is a great teacher. He oversees the Intensive Practice program. He wakes us up. He is funny, gentle, kind, and very serious about this practice. He will be great for Still Point. What I realize, though, is that I have a limited time to practice and study with my first teacher... the teacher who presided over my precepts ceremony and gave me a name. I intend to take advantage of it. I decided when I learned of the transition that I would attend as many interviews as possible from now through September. That was nearly three weeks ago. I haven't missed one yet.

We sit and she watches as I settle into the cushion and count my breaths. She tells me my practice is strong, that she sees that I am serious about my practice, that she intends to push me a bit if it is okay. I nod and smile. She starts to tell me about Mu.

"You can pour everything into Mu... hope, fear, heartbreak, everything." Then she demonstrates. My first instruction was to count my breaths. Breath in... Breathe out "One...." Breathe in... Breathe out "Two...." Now, I breathe in, and breathe out "Mu". I hear her and I get it... it comes right from the abdomen... gentle but constant like the whisper of sea shells. "Now, you try..." Mine is not as gentle or constant as hers yet... my voice breaks a bit, but I push my belly inwards as I try it. It's not comfortable... I will need to work with it a bit, but the prospect excites me. She tells me that many teachers feel that Mu is all you need. Once you have Mu, you have everything. I feel like I've graduated. I smile and push ego away. So I am instructed to take Mu, use it, make it my own, and go save the world.

The student in me accepts that all I have to do is Mu but has to know more. I wouldn't be satisfied until I properly consulted my books, Google searched, collected and documented my findings. This has been a week-long inquiry.

The first article I read online suggested that Mu is not even something to do... it is something to be:

The teaching of mu is a matter of examining the essential question of whom and what we really are, of being pure at heart, and of no longer being confused by what confronts us.

Being mu, or empty of self, allows one to actively take in whatever comes. Our world today and all in it are separated into dualistic distinctions of good and evil, birth and death, gain and loss, self and other, and so on. By being mu, not only does one's self-centeredness disappear, the conflicts that arise with others dissolve as well.

[quotes from the article The Zen Teaching of Mu by the editorial staff of Kateigaho]

After I read the Kateigaho article, I continued to browse through the results of my Google search. Wikipedia posts a definition of Mu [무] along with its Hanja character and a brief account of the koan that inspires practitioners to penetrate Mu. I think the Hanja would make a good T-shirt.

Many Buddhist teachers and writiers have written commentary on Mu. I've bookmarked several articles that I intend to read later:

• Chau-chau's Dog
• Chao-chou Ts'ung-shen
• Life Koan

I'm sure I will post more on this subject as my practice continues. For now, I'll end with the koan as printed in Zen Flesh, Zen Bones:

A monk asked Joshu, a Chinese Zen master:
"Has a dog Buddha-nature or not?"
Joshu answered: "Mu."

Mindful Eating

In my last entry, I talked about how difficult October was, how often I succumbed to craving to get through the challenging moments.

Last night, one of the latest reality TV shows was on. My daughter is just fascinated by this one. It is called "The Biggest Loser." She prides herself on being thin. She openly talks about people who are fat. I try to explain that it is rude to do so, but she is seven years old. She is too young to hold her tongue. She is also not malicious about it, she is just talking about what she sees. It seems that media and culture have collided to give her the same views of the overweight and obese that many in America share. Fat people are ugly. Skinny people are beautiful. That is that.

Mindful eating is an appropriate topic for me to reflect on at this time of year... not even a week after Halloween. I spent the last week gourging myself with chocolate, Smarties, Snickers bars, mini Twix. Next there will be Thanksgiving and Christmas, and all the family gatherings and turkey and dressing and the cakes... pound cake, red velvet cake, cheesecake.

I used to eat one meal a day... period. Healthy food. Bean soups, sauteed vegetables, rice. I didn't feel deprived. I just did it. I'm trying to figure out when my relationship with food became so unstable. When did I start looking at what I ate as a source of anything more or less than nourishment. What is going on with me when all I can think about is eating something sweet?

These were the thoughts that started to swirl around in my head as I read Meeting Faith this morning. I used to be a vegetarian. This was long before I found Still Point, long before I took the precepts. But now, I haven't given changes to my diet any serious thought (except for the potential weight loss that could go with it, and even then...)

I need to spend some time really looking at this, consciously bringing mindfulness to my mealtime. I need to uncover every resistance I have to living the Reflection at the Moment of Using Faith talks about in her book.

Cutting out Craving

This month has been extremely stressful. Work, home... I haven't found refuge in either place. I haven't sought refuge where I know it lies. I lost my rhythm with my practice, and everything stopped this month. I stopped morning practice. I stopped evening practice. I haven't been to the temple for two weeks. I feel drained.

The last Dharma talk I heard at Still Point was delivered by P'arang after the morning sittings. She spoke about the chapter on Craving in the Dhammapada... Ellen cutting out morning coffee, and her own cravings for books and baked goods.

Listening to P'arang, I started to look at my own cravings. That day, I thought about how I crave sweets, sleeping longer than I should, books. I thought about patterns... how I'm okay if I don't have sex for a few weeks then I'm not okay if weeks turn into months. I thought about craving, but I wasn't really thinking in terms of cutting out my craving. I mean, it sounded good... but it sounded hard. I'd been doing a lot that was hard lately... waking up at 5:00 in the morning for intensive practice... doing 108 full prostrations... I told myself that I can only tackle so much at a time.

Then I dropped everything.

I have turned to all my cravings for refuge to get through these past few difficult weeks. I have turned to Pecan Sandies, Coldstone Creamery, Peanut M&Ms. I have turned to sex.

I have had a lover for the past six years. It is a long time, six years... longer than many marriages. There is a lot of history there, some good, some not... but I have held on to the relationship. I'm starting to see that I have held on (for the most part) out of habit. I turned to him last weekend. I was so stressed, I needed relief. It crossed my mind that I was not going to get what I needed, but I went for it anyway. I should have trusted my instincts.

It was the night before Sweetest Day, a Hallmark day that I usually ignore... But on this night everything conspired to force me to look at this relationship. It (in its present form) has outlived its usefullness. When I'm honest with myself, I know what I want... I know what I'm looking for. I'm spinning an 80's song by Prince (whose music I love more than chocolate)... mentally belting the lyrics... You know which one I'm talking about... "U Need Another Lover Like U Need A Hole In Yo Head." And I acknowledge it. And I know it is well past time to end it. And so I will. It is time to move on.

Beginning Intensive Practice

Today I am syked up and ready to begin. I am excited. Somewhere in the back of my mind, there is worry... worry that I won't follow through. Worry that the excitement will wane and I will be right back where I started. I push worry aside today and launch into my practice first thing.

It is a holiday, so I don't wake up until 9:00 am. I start to do a 40-minute yoga session as my morning stretching, but realize that I am trying to do too much. I do the stretches recommended before meditation practice, then I begin prostrations. They are hard. I get through. Now it is time to journal.

A Look in the Mirror

Yesterday's dharma talk at Still Point was based on the last part of the chapter IMPURITY in The Still Point Dhammapada, and a portion of the Flower Ornament Sutra. There is so much you can get out of a 15-20 minute dharma talk... just as there is so much you can take from even a short passage in a sutra. What sticks with me, the portion of the chapter on IMPURITY that I know I need to focus on reads as follows:

It is so easy to see others' faults,
and so hard to see our own.
We expose the flaws of others
quickly and easily
and then hide our own
like a person who cheats on a losing throw.
[The Still Point Dhammapada, page 125]

I can tell when I want my practice to be a quick fix. I want it to be some magic wand that I can wave over my anger, my disappointment, my lapses in progress and judgment. I want it to instantly remove defilements and place me in a peaceful state. I believe instant transformation through practice, insight and study is possible. I also believe that my "puppy mind" is too strong to allow it right now. So I know I need to sit. I know I need to be disciplined and consistent in my practice.

Instead of focusing so much on how much other people suck, I can look at myself:

1. I am selfish. I need to work on it. I could contribute more to my household--I could clean more, I could be more grateful, I could stop making single motherhood an excuse for why I don't contribute my fair share.
2. I am judgmental. I need to work on it. I could burn my list of people who are "worse than me" that I love to criticize and talk about. I could stop talking about the issues of others altogether.
3. I am not always fully present as a parent. I could give my daughter time every day to pick something she wants to do with me and just do it. I could stop pretending like I need to enjoy it (I'm not a big fan of watching cartoons, for example) and just be with her when its hard... when I'm preoccupied with other things... when I would rather be involved with my own pursuits.

The list could go on and on...