Time spent in idle chit chat
I haven't had more than 30 minutes of conversation today. I spent a quiet day at my desk at work, barely socializing. When I came home, I spent a little time doing arts and crafts with my daughter before fixing dinner, eating and retiring for study and journal writing.
Particular resistance(s) to my practice
I'm dealing with my resistances. I wrote earlier about my decision to shift the nature of a relationship I have had with someone on and off for over six years. After a month without communicating with someone that I've talked to frequently (at least weekly) for six years, I'm having withdrawl symptoms. I think the withdrawls come more from the fact that I've grown used to not being alone—then I remind myself how alone I've really been.
I'm reading one of those fad books on relationships... you've probably heard about it, or seen it on Oprah, or seen the Sex and the City episode that spawned it. The title says what I've tried not to acknowledge for the duration of our relationship. He's just not that into me.
Sometimes I think I need to bring completion to this... real closure. I guess what it comes down to is this—it is hard to practice when you don't feel complete with the people in your life. All that has been left unsaid stands between you and the cushion. All that needs to be said swims through your mind as you attempt to focus on the breath.
But I'm afraid of the closure. There is a part of me that doesn't really want to close that door... that wants to be comfortable with being uncomfortable so the relationship can go on without going through any changes. It's that Auden poem again... We would rather be ruined than changed...
What troubled me most today
I almost wrote that nothing troubled me today. It's interesting... if you keep asking yourself the question, something will come up. Here it is: I'm a shopaholic. I love buying books and software and yoga DVDs. I'm not much into clothes or going to the salon on a regular basis... I'm too low-maintenance in that way... not prissy at all... but when it comes to techie stuff, art supplies, books, music, movies... things of that nature... I just can't seem to put the credit card away.
I'm looking around my room at all my books. I must have over 1,000 books in here. I haven't ever considered counting them, but I should. I should also count the ones I haven't read (and the DVDs I will never watch again, and the stuff I bought that just sits here collecting dust because I really didn't need it in the first place). I should get out my calculator and start adding up the amount of money I've spent on books alone. It borders on ridiculous.
Today, I went to Border's after lunch. It wasn't enough just to look around, I had to find something to buy. First, I picked three books. I put two back. I looked for CDs. I didn't find the Ray Charles CD that I want. I looked through the Yoga DVDs. I picked two. I put them back. I went back to the Religion section and found some other books that I considered buying. I finally had to stop myself. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? I probably have over 100 books lying around that I haven't read yet. Why the need to consume more and more? Why does craving surface?
I think craving is a strategy we use to distract us from things that require our attention. We are stressed, so we eat too much that is bad for us. We regret it later. We are sad, lonely, depressed, or bored, so we buy something to lift our spirits. We regret it later.
My daughter and I are moving to a new apartment next month. I could really take this opportunity to do some clearing... giving away things that I don't use, don't want or don't need anymore. I could start reading some of the books that are collecting dust on my shelves. I could get back into the habit of buying and selling books... limiting the number of books I store and keep.
What made me happy today
Singing and dancing with my daughter made me happy today. We are about to watch a movie together, so I'm signing off.