Home Training

Have you ever visited a restaurant or boarded an airplane and been subject to that family, you know... the one with the rambunctious, loud children who ignore their parents' pleas to sit still, stop hitting each other,  use "inside" voices? Maybe you've been that witness that frowns and exclaims, "those kids have no home training." I've found myself having thoughts like this in the past. I'd comment about a lack of discipline at home which spills over into behaviour outside of the home that is socially uncomfortable.

Daily practice is often a goal of new practitioners, but it is not always an easy, effortless goal. Your mind and your energy and your schedule might be as ranbunctious and disorderly as the children in that family. After years of no practice or haphazard practice, how do you change? How do you develop the disicipline that makes daily practice a reality?

Still Point is starting a new training program for members called One Sangha, a program which starts slower and builds gradually to include all aspects of the previous Intensive Practice program with the addition of community service. One Sangha is divided into three 3-month practice periods, each with more demands than the previous period. The interest meeting is next Sunday. If you live in Metro Detroit and would like support and structure around your practice, this would be a good thing to check out.

I haven't been to the temple in a long time... months. My formal practice has dwindled to nothing. I am seriously considering giving this new program a shot but something holds me back. I don't want to start something only to be swept away again into the chaos that is my daily life. I've been asking myself today, what makes it stick? How do you establish a practice routine that doesn't get blown away when your life gets turned upside down?

I think the answer lies in disicpline and home training.

When life is relatively normal (absent of emergencies, etc.) you have more space to dedicate to building a practice habit. Habit is the key word here. There is a difference between a habit and a wish, desire, or goal. Steven Covey, author of the bestselling Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, defines habits as:

...patterns  of behavior composed of three overlapping components: knowledge, desire, and skill.

And while I agree, these three components are requisite ingredients in the recipie that builds habits, I don't think they complete the recipie. Along with knowledge, desire, and skill, you need (or maybe I just need) practice, commitment, and consistency.

1. Knowledge - What to do and why to do it
2. Skill - How to do it
3. Desire - Want to do it
4. Practice - Repeatedly do it
5. Commitment - Pledge to do it (Not a one-time thing... every day you commit all over again)
6. Consistency - Schedule time to do it frequently and stick to the schedule

Sometimes, structure and support help. Participating in a training program with other sangha members can help you renew your commitment and desire. But when you are away from the sangha, somehow you have to overcome laziness and whatever else is blocking you and actively work with these elements until they congeal into habit.

Well, this is my theory. It is time to exercise it to see if it has wings.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Today was a quiet day.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm not really stuck in resistance right now. I'm just noticing how my approach to practice shifts... Sometimes I'm hot... ready to do it all. Sometimes I'm lukewarm... indifferent. Sometimes I'm cold... just don't feel like it. Right now, I'm motivated.

What troubled me most today

Today, just general nervousness about this industry I serve. The news from GM is just bleak, and so many of us who work for automotive companies are bracing for the impact. We're all wondering (even if we work for relatively stable companies) if our jobs are secure.

What made me happy today

Is it a bad sign when I pause after reading this prompt? There are plenty of things to be happy about... the rent is paid, I can pull air into my lungs, I don't have a cold, the flu, or any other sickness to contend with. My family is safe and well.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Not much idle chit chat today... a little e-mail banter with friends about the train wreck of a Pistons game this weekend, a fashion magazine I knew nothing about, and scrooge-like feelings about the commercialism of the Christmas season. 

Particular resistance(s) to my practicer

I'm lazy. There it is... I said it. I acknowledge it. I'm a lazy American. I can think of at least a million things I would rather do than prostrations... like turning over for a dream I just might remember, or just getting in some extra sleep. This morning, I set those things aside and did my prostrations  anyway... all 108. My legs, once again, feel like Jell-O but it's okay.

What troubled me most today

I don't know. Maybe I should be troubled by the fact that I'm not really troubled about anything. Maybe that means that I'm not in tune with the world... there are plenty of things to be troubled about, aren't there?

What made me happy today

Getting up and practicing made me happy. Hugging my daughter made me happy.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Today was a quiet day... no e-mail banter, no personal calls... Just the necessary conversation to get through the work day.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

Yesterday, it was fatigue. I couldn't get out of bed to do this practice. Today, everything clicked. I woke up early and wasn't tired. I did all 108 prostrations. I sat. The practice was good today.

What troubled me most today

This was the rare day when nothing really bothered me at all.

What made me happy today

The fact that I woke up this morning and did my practice made my day.

Intensive Practice Begins Again

Last year, I started an online journal to sort of chart this journey that is my practice. Back in September of last year, I started to use my website as my Intensive Practice journal. Eventually, it became too difficult and time consuming to journal in hand-coded HTML, and that's how I arrived here.

Intensive Practice is a program at Still Point that is designed to support practitioners who want to engage in daily practice. I've written before about how I think moving towards daily practice is a process. I've been excited about today all week because I wanted to attend the Intensive Practice orientation for motivation... I thought I needed a boost to get back on the cushion. The time I spend sitting outside of temple has been at an all-time low this past month, so I thought I needed all the encouragement I could get.

Well, I didn't make it to the temple today. There wasn't even any really good reason why I didn't go.

So, I didn't get the adrenaline pumping about my practice. I didn't hear any encouraging words (if any were said at the meeting) because I wasn't there. What I'm left with is just a simple choice...

Either I'm going to do Intensive Practice or I'm not.

Moving from an occasional practitioner to a daily practitioner IS a process, but not because we need to figure out how to simplify our lives enough to make space for the practice. The process is moving from thinking about it and wanting to do it to actually doing it. Whether you are sort of half-heartedly doing it or "actually doing it" probably just depends on two things: choice and conviction.

So tomorrow, I start Intensive Practice again... Not because Still Point says it's September and this is when we start Intensive Practice, but because I really want to do it... and I really need to do it for myself.

Four Points of Reflection

Time Spent in Idle Chit Chat

Today was a quiet day. Beyond the conversation necessary to complete tasks at work and help my daughter with homework, I can't say that I spoke much today. It has been a serene day, almost retreat-like. I also didn't watch that much television. I go through spurts where I watch an endless amount of television from the time I get home from work to the time I go to bed. This can go on nightly for weeks. I notice that I don't feel energized when I'm in the midst of one of these TV marathons. More often than not, I feel drained... even perturbed. Tonight, I can hear the hum of the refrigerator, water running in the apartment upstairs, footsteps above me. My daughter snores lightly. While I often find that I feel exhausted, distracted, and impatient on Mondays, today I feel at peace.

Particular Resistance(s) to my Practice

I feel like I've moved through a long period of resistance. I could watch myself complaining about one thing or another. It felt like a downward spiral... one complaint falling to another in a domino effect.

What Troubled me Most Today

I don't know how to be with people I don't trust.

What Made me Happy Today

Today really was a trouble-free day. The weather was beautiful, the commute smooth and uneventful. It would have been a great day to play hookie and take my daughter to the ball park. She loves baseball. The Tigers won their season opener and it didn't snow. In fact, the sun shone and we could walk around without jackets. It was a good day for ice cream and sandals.

Four Points of Reflection

Time Spent in Idle Chit Chat

I spent a little time on e-mail banter with one of my line sisters. We talked about work, about life. I confessed my loneliness. I've been without relationship or prospects for almost six months. At the dawn of the new year, I felt empowered by this independence. Lately, I've felt a longing for connection. It doesn't necessarily need to be sex. I've had enough experience with the loneliness sexual encounters can engender... (Jeff over at ZenDiary.org talked about it in a recent entry that I really appreciated). But can a sista get a hug? I know I've been guarded. I haven't gone looking for relationship. I have some walls up since my last encounter. I've also felt that a relationship would likely get in the way of my practice right now. But I know what brought this all on. A guy flirted with me in the grocery store last weekend. We've had conversations before. There was something in his eyes that was just plain sexy. Ever since that look, those eyes, I've been tripping out about the fact that I am alone. I tried to brush it off and make jokes about it via e-mail today, but in the moment this is making my monkey-mind go wild.

Particular Resistance(s) to my Practice

I have not wanted to do prostrations. When I'm "off it" with my practice, I know doing prostrations is the key to getting back on. For some reason I just don't feel like it. I can't put my finger on what it is. It's not the physical nature of the bows... I've been in that space before, where I was physically overwhelmed doing them. This is something else. I'm avoiding something.

I've been on a high horse about work. I need to just admit that. I'm in deep judgement. My ego doesn't want to take the high road. It's much easier for my ego to point fingers at someone else's lack of integrity than to deal with my own.

What else is there?

I can't put my finger on anything else in the moment.

What Troubled Me Most Today

Nothing's coming up for today. I'm still stuck on what troubled me most a couple of days ago. A family member expressed that they'd be glad when Terri Schiavo kicked the bucket. They were tired of all the fuss.

When personal events spur a media frenzy, all most of us see are the cameras, the reporters, the pundits, the editorials. Perhaps we feel inconvenienced or overwhelmed by the amout of time that is spent on the issue. We might see pictures of the real people, but I think sometimes we forget that there are real, feeling, suffering people involved.

Listening to Mitch Albom riding home from work yesterday, I thought he made some poignant comments about the Terry issue. People all over the country are making end-of-life decisions for family members. Husbands and wives all over the country are entrusted by culture and by law with the responsibility for those decisions. At the heart of the Schiavo matter was (and is) a family divide. If everyone agreed on the course of action, or if Terry's wishes were documented and notorized, we wouldn't know who she was. But we do. Her husband has been demonized. The polarization in the family has extended to the nation. It really bugged me the lack of compassion expressed by my family member. "These are real people with real concerns. She's a real person with a real life." I thought.

May she rest in peace.

What Made Me Happy Today

I rush all the time. Sometimes I feel that my week has been one long day. Today, I just ate when I was eating. I went to one of my favorite Italian spots. I brought the most recent copy of Buddhadharma in with me, intending to multi-task (read and eat). I put the magazine down and tried to practice mindful eating. I can't say that I completely slowed down, but when I allow myself to focus (rather than divide) my attention, I do feel different. Strangely, it made me happy to just sit there and chew my food without watching a clock or a television. Just enjoying a meal.

Four Points of Reflection

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm not sleeping well. Last night I stared at the clock until it was nearly 1:00 AM. I got out of bed and started doing prostrations. My ability (or lack thereof) to do prostrations is one way that I can monitor my progress and my commitment to do intensive practice. The guideline is 108 prostrations a day. I haven't done any in so long I could barely get to 25. My legs burned today as if I had run a mile.

I don't know the history of the bow. I don't know if all Zen traditions practice bowing or not, but there is something olympic about the speed and intensity of prostrations in a Korean Zen temple. The Koreans and the Indians must have known the same thing... you have to prepare with the body if you want to practice with the mind. When practicing yoga, asanas (poses) are just one limb on an eight-limb path. The eight limbs are:

• Yamas (The Five Moral Restraints)
• Ahisma (Nonviolence)
• Satya (Truthfulness)
• Asteya (Nonstealing)
• Brahmacarya (Moderation)
• Aparigraha (Nonhoarding)
• Niyamas (The Five Observances)
  • Sauca (Purity)
  • Santosa (Contentment)
  • Tapas (Zeal/Austerity)
  • Svadhyaya (Self-study)
  • Isvara-pranidhana (Devotion to a higher power)
• Asanas (Postures)
• Pranayama (Mindful Breathing)
• Pratyahara (Turning Inward)
• Dharana (Concentration)
• Dhyana (Meditation)
• Samadhi (Union of Self with Object of Meditation)

Physical activity (be it yoga or aerobic-quality prostrations) does empty the mind and make it easier for me to find my seat. I need to get back into the consistent habit of using these tools to empty myself of anxiety, frustration, anger, everything... so I can just sit.

What troubled me most today

I have let the apartment get out of control this week. I still have boxes and bags of things that I need to find a place for. I'm almost out of storage space with no end to the stream of possessions that I'm still moving in. I need to make numerous trips to a used book store to sell some books. Clutter does nothing good for my mental state.

What made me happy today

My daughter and I have been reading a story a day from an anthology of stories for Buddhist parents and children called Kindness. I love her response to every story we read (with the exception of one). After I've read the last line I ask...

"So, what did you think?"

"Yeaaahhh..." she says.

Then we discuss the story briefly and talk a bit before she goes to bed. Tonight, I asked her how she would handle herself if she was confronted by a bully in school.

"I don't know," she says. "I'd have to think about it."

"You don't have time to think," I say. "Someone is literally pushing you around... What do you do?"

"I walk away," she says.

"You try to walk away, but they follow you and keep trying to push you," I say.

"I walk towards the teacher," she says.

"You don't have the attention of the teacher yet," I say. "The kid keeps pushing you around."

"I tell them to Stop pushing me," she says sweetly.

"You say it like that?!" She is being much too nice. She is a pacifist like her mom.

Next time she raises her voice a bit. Overall, I'm pleased with her strategies. She is non-violent and passive like her mom... but she's not going to go cry in the corner. She will be proactive. She is a lesson for me.

The Seventh Precept we take at Still Point tells us what to do:

Do not harbor enmity against the wrongs of others, but promote peace and justice through nonviolent means.

I'm working on it.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Today there was more of the same at work. I didn't try to play both sides so everyone would like me. Instead, I listened and reminded myself to stay neutral. I was also able to particpate in a little e-mail banter with my sorority sisters. I have been in a sorority for just over a year now. Being in a sorority forces me to look at the place of friends in my life. It gives me the opportunity to challenge myself in an area that I have neglected since my daughter was born. I have never been one to have more than a few close friends in my life at a given time... typically less than five people that I call somewhat frequently. I am not a phone person. I can't spend hours on end on the phone jabbering away every day. I don't have time for it. But I do enjoy the company and conversation of good friends. Last year when I gained 14 line sisters and a worldwide collective of sorority sisters, I was a bit taken aback. I can't say that I have fully taken advantage of the opportunity to move beyond my comfort zone and expand my circle of friends and confidantes. Today's entry in the Digital Buddha Vacana is an infamous exchange between Buddha and Ananda on friendship as the holy life:

Ven. Ananda said to the Blessed One, "This is half of the holy life, lord: admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie."

"Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, and comrades, he can be expected to develop and pursue the noble eightfold path.

If the whole of the spiritual life is good friends, I am not living it fully. I could stretch myself a bit and begin to engage my sorors and my Sangha... bringing more presence and attention to my relationship with both of these new groups in my life.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm still disorganized, and I've developed a serious resistance to getting up on time in the morning. My alarm goes off at 4:45 every morning. I lie there listening to NPR until I fall asleep again. Then I wake up at 6:15 intending to jump out of bed and scramble to get out of the house at 7:00. Then I continue to lie there until 6:30 or 6:40 when I know I'm really in trouble—no matter how much I rush, I'll be late.

What troubled me most today

I'm too burned out to care about my late problem. This troubles me. You can't course correct when you don't care about staying on course. It is hard enough to remain integrous when you want to... it is damned near impossible to do so when you are indifferent.

What made me happy today

Two more days and I'm on vacation for the rest of the year. I also resolved a challenge at work reducing the amount of work I have to do to complete one of my projects by at least 50%. I watched myself as the bickering and in-fighting went on around me. I tried to be mindful of what I said. I paid attention instead of falling into the usual trap... participating in gossip and idle chit chat.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Today, not so much. A little banter back and forth with a co-worker... We do it to cope with the climate at work, but nothing changes.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

My life is totally disorganized right now. The house is disorganized. I seem to wait until the last minute to get critical things done. Right now, I should have a load of laundry going while I write. I'm getting up to load the washing machine now.

Well, that's done... but there is so much more to do. I have three baskets of clean clothes in the laundry room that need to be folded and put away. I have a room full of papers (junk mail, my daughter's school work, holiday shopping magazines, etc.) that need to be processed, organized or thrown away. I have so much packing to do! Next week, I pick up the keys for our new apartment. I will be moving the week before Christmas, and I haven't started to get anything organized.

This is not Zen. Zen is orderly. Zen is disciplined. Zen requires doing all the little mundane things that need to be done with mindful attention.

I cannot sit in my room right now. There is too much clutter. It prevents me from sticking to my schedule. I haven't been meditating lately. Instead, I've been thinking about Mu [무]. Not practicing with it... trying to intellectualize it. I see what I'm doing when I'm doing it, and I know it is futile. I do it anyway. This is the part of starting Koan practice that worried me. I think I can beat the dealer. I think I can outsmart these crazy questions. Consciously, I know how ridiculous it is to think these thoughts. Unconsciously, I believe I am "smart enough" to crack open koans with the power of my intellect.

So, in a nutshell... ego, disorganization and procrastination are the resistances I'm dealing with. (Besides the fact I have a mad crush on someone right now).

I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about the possibility of him. It is such a reach—to think that anything would ever develop between us—but I can't stop thinking about it.

What troubled me most today

I mentioned before that the climate is difficult. I work on what is currently a three person team. The other two people on my team don't get along and don't like each other. One is a co-worker, the other our supervisor... it gets really difficult to maintain neutrality sometimes. I take issue with both of them. Like everyone else, they both have issues they could work on. Instead, they each spend a lot of time talking about each other. I participate on both sides (even if my participation means simply listening to my boss criticize my co-worker) while I shouldn't be on either side. Today I felt like I was facing a firing squad. The supervisor started asking 20 questions about why my co-worker hasn't finished a critical deliverable. I told the truth, but I'm not happy with myself. I unintentionally stabbed a friend in the back. I should've minded my own business. I should've been strong enough to stay out of the middle of a mess. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do in the moment. I am brilliant at thinking up flippant come-back lines a day or two after the fact. Today, I just folded... I gave up the goods... I felt like a rat. This is what happens when I don't practice... my mindfulness is weak and I screw up.

What made me happy today

Writing this journal entry makes me happy. The fact that I "got off it" and returned a phone call I was hesitant to return and do what I said I would do made me happy. Restoring the kitchen to order made me happy. Now I just have to tackle what's left so I can clear some space for my practice.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

I haven't had more than 30 minutes of conversation today. I spent a quiet day at my desk at work, barely socializing. When I came home, I spent a little time doing arts and crafts with my daughter before fixing dinner, eating and retiring for study and journal writing.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm dealing with my resistances. I wrote earlier about my decision to shift the nature of a relationship I have had with someone on and off for over six years. After a month without communicating with someone that I've talked to frequently (at least weekly) for six years, I'm having withdrawl symptoms. I think the withdrawls come more from the fact that I've grown used to not being alone—then I remind myself how alone I've really been.

I'm reading one of those fad books on relationships... you've probably heard about it, or seen it on Oprah, or seen the Sex and the City episode that spawned it. The title says what I've tried not to acknowledge for the duration of our relationship. He's just not that into me.

Sometimes I think I need to bring completion to this... real closure. I guess what it comes down to is this—it is hard to practice when you don't feel complete with the people in your life. All that has been left unsaid stands between you and the cushion. All that needs to be said swims through your mind as you attempt to focus on the breath.

But I'm afraid of the closure. There is a part of me that doesn't really want to close that door... that wants to be comfortable with being uncomfortable so the relationship can go on without going through any changes. It's that Auden poem again... We would rather be ruined than changed...

What troubled me most today

I almost wrote that nothing troubled me today. It's interesting... if you keep asking yourself the question, something will come up. Here it is: I'm a shopaholic. I love buying books and software and yoga DVDs. I'm not much into clothes or going to the salon on a regular basis... I'm too low-maintenance in that way... not prissy at all... but when it comes to techie stuff, art supplies, books, music, movies... things of that nature... I just can't seem to put the credit card away.

I'm looking around my room at all my books. I must have over 1,000 books in here. I haven't ever considered counting them, but I should. I should also count the ones I haven't read (and the DVDs I will never watch again, and the stuff I bought that just sits here collecting dust because I really didn't need it in the first place). I should get out my calculator and start adding up the amount of money I've spent on books alone. It borders on ridiculous.

Today, I went to Border's after lunch. It wasn't enough just to look around, I had to find something to buy. First, I picked three books. I put two back. I looked for CDs. I didn't find the Ray Charles CD that I want. I looked through the Yoga DVDs. I picked two. I put them back. I went back to the Religion section and found some other books that I considered buying. I finally had to stop myself. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? I probably have over 100 books lying around that I haven't read yet. Why the need to consume more and more? Why does craving surface?

I think craving is a strategy we use to distract us from things that require our attention. We are stressed, so we eat too much that is bad for us. We regret it later. We are sad, lonely, depressed, or bored, so we buy something to lift our spirits. We regret it later.

My daughter and I are moving to a new apartment next month. I could really take this opportunity to do some clearing... giving away things that I don't use, don't want or don't need anymore. I could start reading some of the books that are collecting dust on my shelves. I could get back into the habit of buying and selling books... limiting the number of books I store and keep.

What made me happy today

Singing and dancing with my daughter made me happy today. We are about to watch a movie together, so I'm signing off.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

When I think of "idle chit chat," I think about gossip, small talk, all those little conversations we have that don't particularly add value to our lives. When I think of "idle chit chat," I think "time wasted." Today, I wasted some time complaining about a situation at work. It was a futile conversation, because I wasn't talking to the person who could actually make a difference. I think that is a fundamental criterion for idle chit chat. It is not a bad idea to lodge a complaint. That is what the Civil Rights Movement was about. That is what Ghandhi did. But not me. Not today. I am seeing a pattern of this going on at work. It just perpetuates the drama. Instead of mustering the courage to confront the issues head on, I remain in the background... I try to stay off the radar... and instead of being proactive, I complain.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

This morning was a little better. While I didn't get up at 5:00, I improved by 15 minutes today and got up at 5:15. I had a hard time doing prostrations this morning. Last night I did aerobics and cardio conditioning... something I have neglected for a long time. I was just tired this morning. I am tired now, trying to complete this journal entry. I need to make sure I get enough sleep if I am going to continue this practice. I am just exhausted right now.

What troubled me most today

I could write a book about the things that are going on at work. To keep it brief, I am troubled most today by my supervisor's lack of integrity. I understand the need to be responsible to one's children, but we must also be responsible to the people who employ us, the customers who need us, the tasks we say that we'll complete.

What made me happy today

This practice is hard but I am sticking with it. Last week, practice waned. I spent the week taking care of things for my parents and spending time with my father at the hospital. I didn't sleep much, so I didn't wake up much for practice. This week, it is better. I'm doing this. It feels good.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Not much idle chit chat today. I worked with headphones at work today, listening to my Real Audio™ playlist. I had a lot to accomplish today, and didn't feel much like socializing. I buckled down and worked on my tasks.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

Getting up at 5:00 was hard today. I didn't wake up until 5:30, which put me behind schedule. Once I got up, drank my water, and started prostrations, the routine seemed to take over. I sat today without looking at the clock. One thing I noticed was how difficult it is to practice when my daughter wakes up. She wants to ask questions. She wants to talk. 5:00 is the magic number if I want to sit without interruptions.

What troubled me most today

I spent my lunch break driving to a local district court to pay the speeding ticket I got just over two weeks ago. A co-worker kept insisting that I go to court and fight the ticket... that I work to avoid the points.

I just paid the ticket. I didn't even feel comfortable talking to the cashier about other options. I just wanted to take responsibility and get on with life. Yes, my insurance costs will increase. Every time I pay it, let it be a reminder to slow down.

We just don't take responsibility. Another co-worker seems to want to bully everyone around him into fixing a problem (his problem) which could have been avoided if he followed a simple instruction on time. Today, I almost let someone talk me into skirting responsibility for my speeding ticket. There is no fight in me when I am wrong.

What made me happy today

My daughter made me proud today, carrying her September project to school. After weeks of studying, drawing, and writing about her assigned plant, she took her creation (a beautiful poster if I do say so myself) to school with shoulders back and head held high. She is really doing well in school.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

I heard from an old friend today. Actually, an ex-boyfriend from my high school days. It had been at least three years since we've been in touch at all. He is moving his business to the next level... leasing space in the city for a web design business. After getting updates on his business and giving him updates on my family, I had to get back to work.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

Today, it was just getting out of bed. My alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. I got out of bed at 5:40. Attempting this process is uncovering all of my patterns and magnifying them. I already knew that I have a late pattern. There is not much that I show up for on time in my life. I've been hoping that doing this practice will help me to be better about being on the ball in the morning.

What troubled me most today

Writing that last sentence, I noticed something. There is a part of me that practices Zen because I think it will fix me. If I was more flexible (physically), I would be a better person. If I could muster the discipline to sit and just think what I want to think, I would be a better person. There is a big part of me that is doing this practice for me, so I can benefit. What about the world?

What made me happy today

I reached out to a friend today. I recently heard that she is fighting breast cancer, and I'm concerned. I also miss her and wanted her to know about it. I tend to be a loner. I keep to myself. The past year has forced me to challenge myself in this area. It feels good to be in that mode, connecting with people again. I've kept to myself long enough.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Not so much, today. I don't talk to my friends as much on work days. I'm really wrapped up in a project at work, and have been too preoccupied to just shoot the breeze with anyone. Today was about business.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm finding it difficult to sit for twenty minutes. I'm encountering a great deal of resistance when I sit here alone in my room. I get restless, everything below my waist seems to fall asleep. I can make it through ten, twelve, fifteen minutes... then I'm tempted to look at the clock.

I had my first interview this week. During last week's service, I had a really hard time sitting. My teacher, she noticed it... so the interview was just a quick question about how I do my practice, and a demonstration on how to slow it down a bit... how to relax into it. Sitting in front of me, she took a deep breath and breathed out a number slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out, "One." Breathe in. Breathe out, "Two". Continue to five. Work the diaphram. It reminds me of singing.

Sitting in this way is easy in the beginning. Somewhere between 12 and 15 minutes in, I'm thinking about everything I have to do today. I'm thinking about things I regret. I'm thinking about things I want that I don't have. I'm thinking about things that happened recently. I can't turn it off. I try to return to my breath but I'm restless. I start to fidget. I change the position of my legs and open my eyes to peek at the 20-minute timer. I'm bummed because there are three whole minutes left. I close my eyes and try to concentrate. It's a challenge.

What troubled me most today

What troubled me most today was something I did yesterday. I spent at least an hour on the Internet researching cortisol-regulating supplements. I was no longer focused on 8 Minutes in the Morning. No, I was ready to pop some pills to get to my weight loss goals. I always want the quick fix.

I don't need to spend any more money to lose weight. I don't need to put my health at risk by taking any drugs or supplements. I just need to develop consistency for myself, for my health, as I attempt to maintain consistency in my practice.

I know what started it. My parents are always on me about my weight. The only thing I hear is that there is something wrong with me. I feel like I'm shrinking, like I'm not good enough. I turn to Cheri for guidance.

"Constructive criticism" is a scam run by people who want to beat you up. And they want you to believe that they're doing it for your own good. [There is Nothing Wrong With You, page 49]

Amen, I say. You tell 'em, Cheri. It's not me... it's THEM. But no, I know this is not her point and I won't misrepresent her. Ego wants to be validated in whatever it believes. That was my point. Cheri continues...

Be suspicious of any voice inside or outside that says "THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." This voice DOES NOT LIKE YOU and IS NOT HELPFUL. [There is Nothing Wrong With You, page 50]

Maybe my parents deep down just want me to be healthy. They talk about how I look, which makes me think their concerns are more vain than oriented towards wellness... Nevertheless, I need to look at those inside voices Cheri talks about more than the voices of my parents. The inner Critic is loud and more vicious and I need to learn to stop listening to it.

What made me happy today

I did 108 full prostrations for the first time this morning. It was a victory.

Getting to Consistency

Last week, I started the Intensive Practice Program with a great deal of enthusiasm. I was determined to settle in to my practice, to learn to be consistent with it and see where it takes me. I like to throw around the fact that I have been studying Dharma for many years. Regardless, when it comes to actual practice, I am a beginner. Without a sangha or a teacher to practice with, it was hard to sustain my practice. Now I have a structure with very specific things to do to get to consistency. It helps.

Monday through Wednesday, I was on top of things. By Thursday, I was just plain tired. Getting up an hour earlier than normal was taking its toll. Never mind the fact that I was going to bed later because I was either trying to read or write too much. I didn't practice until Sunday.

Sunday was a great day. We had a potluck at Still Point. I got a chance to meet some new people, something I am always hesitant about. It helped that the food was really, really good. Monday I didn't practice at all, but yesterday I picked up my practice again. I'm no longer running on adrenaline. Any romantic notions I might have had about how easy it would be to do Intensive Practice, or how my initial exictement would continue to drive me and carry me through the difficult moments have been completely obliterated. It only took a week.

What I'm realizing is that in order to successfully "do" Intensive Practice, I have to get up every morning at 5:00 a.m. and commit to it all over again. I have to ignore whatever it is that makes me want to just stay in bed, get up and get to it.

Results do bolster my practice a bit... I am seeing that it is easier to sit after prostrations than it is to just sit cold. I am seeing the benefit of starting my day with meditation. I feel less stressed on the road as I'm driving to work (a long commute through heavy traffic). But there has been no instant transformation... no snap of the fingers, then enlightenment. If I have learned anything this week, it is that Zen practice is very hard.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

I am seeing a pattern of idle chit chat at work... I vent with a co-worker about shared frustrations in our department. I chat with my boss about early childhood education options for her newborn. I answer my cell phone when an ex-boyfriend calls. Another five minutes of small talk. This morning, one of my college buddies called to tell me about her camping trip. After getting the details, I update her on where things stand for my daughter and her father. We talk about other people's relationships. We talk about the dangers of rushing into marriage and other hazards related to love. This evening I chat with another girlfriend. She calls with news about one of the men in her life. Neither one of us know what to do with the news, so we chat about other things.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

My alarm goes off at 5:00 am. I really need to get up at five, but this morning it is difficult. I sleep in a bit and get out of bed at 6:20. It usually takes about forty minutes to finish my morning practice, but I decide to do it anyway. I have a perpetual late pattern, so I decide that if I'm going to be late this morning, I might as well get my practice in.

Everything felt rushed. I started out doing bows instead of prostrations because my thighs are still in pain... overworked. I bow fifty times then switch to prostrations. I get through thirty-five, then I switch back to bows. I end on my knees, though. I'm happy because I didn't think I would be able to do a single full prostration this morning. I manage to prostrate despite the discomfort. I don't feel like I'm killing myself, quite the contrary. I need to get back into the habit of exercise. Acknowledging fully the spiritual nature of prostrations, the deeper meaning, my body doesn't let me forget that there is a physical nature too... I am working muscles that are under worked. I am getting my cardiovascular system pumped. I remind myself to be grateful instead of my usual typical response... being hard on myself, hating my current physical condition.

I sit. It is already 6:40 when I begin. I think about how behind schedule I am this morning. I didn't wake up my daughter yet. I still have to shower and get dressed. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late. I start the timer and ring the bell three times. Again, fifteen minutes into sitting, I'm restless. I want to get up. Everything is falling asleep. I'm late. I peek at the timer. There are still over five minutes to go. I keep sitting. A few minutes later my bedroom door opens. I lose my seat completely. My daughter comes in. "Why aren't you getting dressed," she asks. I realize my time is up. I was jolted out of my meditative space when the door opened. I bow to Buddha and rise to start my day.

What troubled me most today

I feel incomplete. An ex-boyfriend called this afternoon while I was working. I avoid personal calls when I'm sitting at my desk, so I don't say much. I listen. He has been thinking about me. He invites me to call him later. I say that I will.

Our relationship ended abruptly last year. We had been dating for several months. He had so many wonderful qualities. He was family-oriented. He really cared about my daughter and wanted to include her in our activities. He found fun things for us to do together. He was the first man I ever allowed to get that close to my daughter, the first man I was openly in relationship with in her presence. She loved it. She loved him. I did too.

Things fall apart. Months pass before I learn of his past problems with drugs and alcohol. A few personal setbacks later, I realize he has no coping skills. He can't go through life sober. He disappears. I know he is in rehab, at least I hope that is where he is. Months pass and I am single again. I try to get used to it, but my heart is broken. Then he calls to explain.

All of my fantasies about a life with this man are beyond shattered. This, I acknowledge, is a deal breaker for me. I have to protect my daughter from this. I have to move on.

That was a year ago. We have spoken to each other every three to four months or so, but hadn't seen each other at all until last week. A flood of emotions hit me when I saw him. I realize that there are still strong feelings there on both sides, but I remain hesitant, vigilant. I can't go back there.

But I'm conflicted. I remember the good times. I want to believe that the substances are no longer an issue. I know I'm fantasizing when I indulge those kinds of thoughts. I think that we should learn to be friends. I want to support him in his sobriety. I know if he is ever to kick his habit, he will need the support of good friends... preferably new friends that are not associated with drugs or alcohol in any way. Then I wonder about whether or not friendship is even feasible right now. There is too much stuff flying through the air. There is too much as yet unsaid.

What made me happy today

Before I could run out of the house this morning, my daughter jumped up from the breakfast table and gave me a giant hug and kiss. It made my day,

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

I ate lunch with a friend today. We talked about a mutual friend who is often distant and aloof. We theorized about her, analyzed her behavior, believed we knew everything there was to know about why she is the way she is. Thinking about the conversation now reminds me of something I read in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. We must be loyal to those who are absent. How much time do we spend talking about each other in secret? How much energy do we expend dissecting each other like dead animals, pouring into each other our curiosities and hypotheses as if our relationships were scientific experiments versus matters of the heart. The conversation reminded me why we (the general, collective "we") don't trust each other.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

Prostrations are still hard. Unfortunately, that doesn't change overnight. My thighs feel tight and overworked. I had to strain to walk at times during the day. But that is just the physical side effect of sticking with it.

It was hard to sit this morning. After prostrations, at first it is easy because the body is trying to cool down. It wants to find a rhythm in its breath. It wants to sit still after so much activity. Then, at around the 15 minute mark, the body is tired of sitting. It wants the damned alarm to sound indicating that the 20 minute practice period is over. I have a countdown timer I use to keep myself in integrity about how long I sit. The guidelines request 20-30 minutes, and I want to make sure I'm not cheating, so I time myself. This morning, I set the countdown timer for 20 minutes then I forgot to press start. Thirty minutes later, my body seemed to know it had been sitting longer than 20 minutes. It had enough. I opened my eyes, picked up the timer and looked. My body was right. It was well past 20 minutes, and it was done.

What troubled me most today

It troubles me how easy it is to talk about people with pseudo-intellectual psychobable thrown in to boot. There was no compassion in our conversation today, just judgment. I ask myself, who will I be next time I'm in the middle of a conversation like that? Will I be the same? Will I try to be more compassionate? Will I remember this journal entry?

What made me happy today

I went to Curriculum Night at my daughter's school. It provides an opportunity for teachers to explain the rules and routines of the classroom. Parents are provided with a window into their child's day-to-day activities and have opportunities to ask questions. It was informative.

When I went into her classroom and sat at her desk, I found that she wrote me a letter. She is concerned about how easy her school work has been. She articulated herself very well in her journal entry. She makes me proud. Not just because she does well in school, but because of who she is becoming... strong, powerful, smart, patient, fun-loving, endearing. I love my daughter.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

I didn't spend much time in idle chit chat today. I didn't talk on the phone. I didn't spend any time at the office. There were moments of small talk with my parents... "How is Tiger doing in the golf tournament?", "What's on Oprah today?" Mostly, it was a quiet day.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I am not good at prostrations. I think I need to be good at it when I'm in my ego-mind, when I go deeper, i know being "good" is not the point. It takes about 30-40 prostrations to get there. In the beginning, I'm going for it. I'm up, I'm down, I'm quick. I remember how out of shape I was trying to do prostrations in the room with everyone before the Precepts Ceremony. I remember feeling embarrassed by how out of shape I am. I think I can fix it. I'm going to prostrate or die trying.

30 prostrations later, my legs feel like jelly. I'm dizzy. I'm sweating. I'm looking at the tiny Buddha statue on my makeshift altar. I am determined to finish. I start to bow because I'm so out of breath. I try to bow reverently. When I catch my breath, I try the full prostrations again. I get through all 108, but it is hard. Ego falls away and I remember the Refuges—Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. I prostrate for them. It gets easier.

What troubled me most today

A cousin and his wife came over to visit this morning. My daughter was just waking up, so I dressed her and took her downstairs for breakfast—Cheerios, a Pop Tart and Kool-Aid. I am berated for my choice of breakfast food. "Not very healthy choices," they comment. My mother shakes her head. I feel myself shrinking. Then I feel the need to defend myself. "You act like you never gave us Pop Tarts for breakfast when we were kids," I say. "Well, we are more concerned about the Kool-Aid. Couldn't you give her some juice or milk?" I wonder... what's the difference between Kool-Aid at breakfast or at dinner? No matter what time of day, it's the same drink that my parents drink all day long. I'm bruised by the double-standard, the judgment. I try not to let it activate the drama that dominates my life lately—the Bad Mother drama. My daughter chimes in, "There is milk in my cereal." She doesn't like it when people beat up on mommy. She always defends me. I wonder if I deserve it. This is an old story for me. By default, I think being a single parent means I am a bad parent. Always overextended, raising my daughter in a "broken family." I know this is just a story I tell myself, a tape on auto play. I will feel better when I learn how to stop it.

What made me happy today

I did what I said I would to today. At the end of the day, I could check everything on my Intensive Practice checkist. I am proud of myself.