Lifting the Mists of Melancholy

My life has been heavy. Walking through cancer and chemotherapy with my mother and witnessing my father's health decline until his recent death has been heavy. My job has been heavy. Trying to be there for my mother as she passes through the most crippling grief and loss she has ever experienced in her life... watching her wear her heart on her sleeve and being unable to stop the tears from coming when they come has been heavy. I've been walking around carrying that heaviness. I've been carrying it in my back and shoulders. More than that, I've been carrying it in my heart.

Something really mundane happened Friday afternoon at work that woke me up to the fact that I need to let the mists of melancholy I've been carrying around just lift. I passed one of the managers in my chain of command in the hallway and she asked how things were going. My response was "okay," but it was a loaded "okay..." loaded with stress and overwhelm and "okay but not really okay if you know what I mean." I've been in the middle of a huge project at work and things haven't gone as smoothly as I would've liked and I don't have a big team of people helping me to work through the issues and it weighs on me sometimes. So my okay was intended to say a lot... all of that and more. My manager... she just kinda looked at me and said "It's Friday... ". She said something else but I'm not really remembering. The "It's Friday" part was really all I needed to hear.

I thought to myself, "Damn, chalip... lighten up."

I'm in need of my practice right now. I've been limping through my life. I've been on a rocky boat, just holding on. I need very much to lighten up. I need very much to sit and really experience and feel everything I've been holding on to so as to let it go. I need to watch the mists of melancholy lift, and I need to smile. Really smile.

I feel rested for the first time in a long time. I've been working crazy overtime... the kind of overtime where you come home mentally tired... exhausted... and fall into bed, into a coma really... then get up the next morning feeling exhausted still to do it all again.

My daily practice... the active parts of my daily practice... are the ways I take care of myself. And I haven't taken care of myself in a long time. Everything has been in a holding pattern, waiting for that moment when I could exhale and focus on myself. I've been running around "like a chicken..." a friend would say. I look at the way I've managed this time in my life and it is a big red flag that says something to me. It says, "Hey, chalip... you've learned a few things but you still could use some work in the living a balanced life department."

So today is a leisurely day. Today is a day with no rushing around... This morning I woke up and made pancakes. I'm listening to some really good jazz music as I write this. When I'm done with this post, I'll listen to Zencast or some other dharma on disc, then I'll sit for the first time in I don't know how long. I'll do my yoga, I'll load the washing machine, and I'll cook dinner at a leisurely pace. I'll do some chores. I'll vacuum and dust. And I'll imagine the vacuum cleaner sucking in all of this heaviness... all of this melancholy.

Later tonight, I'll watch or listen to something or someone that really makes me laugh. I don't know who it will be... Chris Rock, Katt Williams or Dave Chappelle should do the trick... or maybe I'll watch disc 2 of The Boondocks season one... I've been saving it for a rainy day.

When I come back to this space, when I blog again, my intention is to be lighter.

A Solitary Work

It is so easy to judge. Our eyes are always facing outward, and our thoughts are often chasing that line of sight. We see people that we know or don't know and we size them up. We see people that we like or don't like and we praise or blame.

I've been concerned about someone for a long time. This person and I, we share a mutual friend. I find myself often discussing my concerns with the mutual friend. These concerns have become a frequent topic of conversation. But what do these talks accomplish?

Perhaps they are an occasion to release frustrations, but I've asked myself lately... How much venting does one need? How long can you continue to discuss something or someone until you have utterly exhausted the topic. At what point has enough been said? When do you know that you've crossed the line from constructive conversation to judgmental bashing?

Through this situation, I'm starting to see that the more time I waste dissecting someone else's issues, the less time I spend on my own. We often get pleasure from gossip--from talking about people--because in pointing out their flaws we think we somehow mask our own. We get into the game of making comparisons. We are happy when we believe we come out ahead.

How do we break out of a cycle that is so common in our society? How to we learn to stop judging and start practicing right speech?

Just now while writing this, I remembered a little mantra that I learned a long time ago (the source has been forgotten). But I looked up the little phrase online and found that it has been attributed to Shirdi Sai Baba, an Indian saint:

Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?

That last phrase I wasn't even aware of... I had heard it a bit differently--Is it true, Is it kind, Is it necessary--but the final phrase adds a little something. Silence can be a beautiful thing. If my words aren't so true, kind, and necessary that they are better than silence, perhaps they are best kept to myself.

Does a Bodhisattva Have Legitimate Complaints?

I find myself struggling with a situation. I have all these issues going on at work and all of these strong feelings around what's going on. I've been in one tough situation after another. I haven't complained. I've buckled down and focused on the work. Things were improving, then all of a sudden things fell apart. There are reasons why things fell apart, and I know they didn't have anything to do with me.

But here's the dilemma. I find myself just stewing lately... marinating in resentment and bad feelings. I find myself standing in judgment of the people I feel are responsible. I blame the current situation on their decision making (or lack thereof). I blame the current situation on their unwillingness to act on behalf of the team... sacrificing the people they work with for the people they work for. In business, there is often this philosophy that the customer is always right. And while I believe that when you're in business you must satisfy your customer, that is not the only critical factor. If during the course of satisfying the customer you alienate and upset the employees, they leave and there is no one left to do the work. Then the customer is unsatisfied anyway.

Without delving into specifics, issues have been building up for a a while now. I bring it home with me. Thoughts about these issues are with me when I fall asleep... and they are with me when I wake up in the morning. They are with me when I sit on the cushion. They are with me when I'm cooking dinner. Some distractions provide temporary relief... watching a movie, reading a book, playing with my daughter. Some things I surrender to... I'm fully there while doing them. But the distraction comes to an end and I am left with my thoughts again. The more I think, the worse I feel.

"But, my complaints are legitimate," says an inner voice.

"Perhaps, but do they improve the situation," asks another.

A few days ago, I picked up a book and started skimming. It is called The Thirty-Seven Practices of Bodhisattvas. I couldn't even create the mental space to read the commentary, so I flipped through and read the thirty seven verses. Doing this created some space for some new thoughts to enter my mind. Thoughts about work have been punctuated with thoughts about the bodhisattva ideal.

I've read several books about this ideal. To me, they say the following:

• To the bodhisattva, everyone is blameless but himself. (Eat all blame).
• To the bodhisattva, suffering for the sake of others is a noble act. (Work for the benefit of others, even if you suffer in the process).

Then, my ego objects. Well, is it the ego? I don't know. But some part of me screams, "but if only s/he had done this or hadn't done that this wouldn't have happened." Some part of me screams, "this is not my fault, and it is crazy to continue to work in an environment where these things continue. It's almost masochistic. I am SO ready to quit my job."

So my question is this. If you are a dharma practitioner... If you take refuge in Buddha, Dharma and Sangha... If you are an aspiring bodhisattva... Do you ever have legitimate complaints? Are you ever justified in stepping outside the typical actions of a bodhisattva (eating all blame, working to benefit others even when it is difficult and comes at great personal cost)?

There is a voice inside me that is saying, "No on both counts."

There is another voice inside me that wants to yell at that voice.

Being Still

I have a friend who is constantly on the move. Saying hello and goodbye to her is accomplished in a cloud of activity while she spins in and out of a room, always heading for the next thing. We have nicknamed her Taz because she reminds us of that character from Loony Tunes... relentless perpetual motion.

I have another friend who is constantly looking for something (or someone) to do. I've known several people like this and have seen that the one activity that repulses them the most is sitting still, alone with their thoughts and emotions, even if it is just for five lousy minutes.

I don't stand in judgement. I've found it difficult to be still... to be with myself this past year.

"You have had a lot going on," a friend says.

But if this past year has taught me nothing, it has taught me that it is most important to carve out the time when we have the most going on. Perhaps that is why we feel overwhelmed, like we have nothing else to give... because we aren't giving back to ourselves... not even a little bit.

I ordered some summer reading materials for my daughter a couple of weeks ago. I think every elementary school student should read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing. I also ordered a couple of new titles from her favorite author (she would read Dear Dumb Diary and Franny K. Stein exclusively if I didn't insist on some variety) and a new book from a new young adult fiction writer called Leepike Ridge. It provided an occasion to also get a couple of new reads for myself. One of the books I selected was a tiny green book by Ezra Bayda called Saying Yes to Life (Even the Hard Parts).

I'd discovered Bayda a few years ago while surfing online. I don't even remember what I was looking for at the time or how I stumbled upon his writings, but the teachings he offers through this site were very meaningful for me. They remain so to this day.

I started flipping through it this afternoon at work while waiting for my computer to shut down for the day. I expected another book of essays, but was pleasantly surprised to find that this book is just a collection of verses on numerous topics relevant to us all. I like this, because we don't really need an essay most of the time. One cogent point can snap us back to reality if we just let it.

An example:

Notice how often thinking and talking are detours from the painful work of being present to life. [pg. 83]

And another:

Believing you're a "good meditator" doesn't foster good meditation; it only bolsters another deluded self-image. [pg. 76]

I haven't been blogging much over the past year, mostly because I haven't engaged in much formal practice in the traditional sense. I haven't been sitting or prostrating or even studying much. I didn't have much to talk about... consumed by the whirlwind that was my daily life. Over this time, as my practice lagged, I thought myself a "bad buddhist," a "bad practitioner." Sometimes I felt that I dropped my practice completely and for a while I judged myself severely. Perhaps in reading this small passage I could stop and remind myself that thinking oneself a bad buddist is just as deluded as praising yourself for being an excellent meditator. On this path, there must be room for lapses, for outright mistakes. There is too much work to do to get caught up by somthing as insignificant as a tallied score.

In abandoning this score-keeping mind around my practice I've started to practice a little again. I'm not as fanatical with myself as I was previously about it... I don't make it mean anything if a day goes by and I don't DO something for the dharma. It feels like a fresh start... a new beginning.

Just to Clarify...

In a recent entry, I talked about stress and the world today. I quoted Mary Pipher, and I tried to make two points:

1. In certain ways, we can all see that the world is a stressful place to be lately... perhaps we're all experiencing or perceiving more stress than we ever have before
2. It's really not relative... there's nothing that special about today's stress

I feel the need to clarify that second point a bit. (Remind me not to blog when I'm really tired).

I think the things that are going on in the world today just lift the veil from our eyes... that veil that says we can relax... that we're comfortable... that our mutual funds are maturing at an expected rate of return... that the world is a safe place to be... that we don't have to worry about money. Perhaps historians will look back on these days and talk about the after-effects of 9/11 being somewhat similar to the after-effects of the stock market crash. Those events have one thing in common. They forced Americans to collectively question the notion of security.

What I'm trying to say (while perhaps blundering the attempt) is that we live in this dreamland called permanence. We seem to believe that things will stay. We convince ourselves of this over and over again. Got a job? It will stay. Saved some money? It will stay. Got a house? It will stay.

With study and practice, we start to gain insight into the impermanence that surrounds us but rarely do we collectively... as a community, state or nation... really feel the veil lifted so swiftly.

I think the stress Mary talked about is about the lifting of this veil. We don't like impermanence. Most of the time we resist it. The stress comes because we want something we can depend on... something that stays... and we're experiencing the fact that nothing really does. I can't buy a loaf of bread or a candy bar for the same price my father paid when he was a kid, and I can't buy a gallon of gasoline for the same price I paid two years ago. And I don't like it.

The key (which I'll talk about a bit in my next entry) is acceptance. As we learn to accept, the stress dissipates, becomes manageable, then disappears.

Everybody Just Calm Down

I listen to MItch Albom a lot when I'm riding home from work. I think it was one day last week when Mary Pipher was on talking about her lastest book, Writing to Change the World. It's on my wishlist with about a million other books. I'll get to it some time. Mary also wrote Reviving Ophelia, a book that I need to revisit soon. My daughter seems to grow in leaps and bounds despite my attempts to make her slow down just a little. Despite my protests, she is entering adolesence with swiftness and while it both frightens me and pleases me to see her grow up in this age, that's a conversation I'll save for another day.

While discussing her new book, Mary talked about stress:

...The world is more stressful now. In fact, the world right now for Americans is as stressful as it's ever been. When I make speeches now I say I've never in my 30 years of being a therapist seen Americans more stressed. Then I ask if anyone disagrees with me and no hands go up.

My hand certainly wouldn't go up. I've been through some extremely stressful events in my life... some traumatic experiences (for real). But despite all of those past events which I would think would've taken more out of me, I seem to have been more stressed these last six months than I've been in my entire life. I can't figure it out. People drone on about all the reasons we all have to be stressed, and they're probably right... the state of the economy, the dwindling job market, prices at the pump, uncertainty about the future... especially living here in Metro Detroit and working in the automotive sector. Everyone's scared they're going to lose their job. Everyone's working harder. Everyone's nerves are frayed. And it spills over from work life to home life and can make for a big mess.

I'm sure there's a study in a journal somewhere that talks about the causal relationship between stress and depression. I know I've had my bouts lately, and I look around and see depressed people all around me. At least two people I've talked to in the past two weeks have openly used the word in conversation... that word we don't even want to admit we know... because it hangs there in the air around us like this thick, black smoke that overcomes us and chokes us and despite our desire to breathe we can't find clean air anywhere.

A few weeks ago, I blew the dust off of Cheri's book. No sexy title... it's called The Depression Book and it talks about how to look deeply into depression and use it as a vehicle for practice. I find that I don't really read this book the way I read her others. I can pick up a Cheri Huber book and read it from cover to cover in a single sitting, but not this one. I pick this one up when I need to read it... when I KNOW I'm depressed. I read a few pages and I put it down because she's stepping on all my toes. I'm putting myself to bed in a few. I'm tired tonight. But I'm going to commit to some serious study and reflection this weekend. I'm going to read this book. I know that I need to, and I know I'm not the only one.

If you've been feeling it lately too and just sitting in it... if you feel your blood pressure on the rise... if you notice your adrenaline spiking... if you are anesthetizing yourself with too much food, too much television, too much escapist activity I want to say it's time to take a breath now. It's time to return to center, chill out and just calm down. Look at the frenzy you've worked yourself into. Just look at it and own it. Uncertainty is all around us forever. There's nothing really all that special about today, this month, this year. Stressors are real and they are everywhere but "being stressed" is a decision. Let's all of us just stop making that decision.

Starting Over

Have you ever disliked the way you've handled a situation? Have you ever looked back on moments, weeks, months, even years and asked yourself "Why, oh why didn't I do that differently?"

I've been reading a lot lately... nothing about Zen or Buddhism of late... I've been reading fiction. One book after another. I read several by Octavia Butler in a row... I was able to get my hands on a copy of Survivor, so I read that first then a few other favorites. I've started reading Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, and though I plan to return to it soon, I put it down to read a couple Star Trek Voyager books (don't laugh, poke fun or roll your eyes... in case you didn't know, Star Trek is cool).

I've been reading because I've started to attempt creative writing again. I read not just to enjoy a story, but to deconstruct it... to see how different writers move from point A to point B... to get a feel for plotting, setting, characterization and the like. I've also been reading because I've needed a mindless escape from the day-to-day. I haven't been happy with myself... with how I've been handling one of the latest life challenges. The details don't matter, but maybe some part of you can relate to my strategies for dealing with those details. Dostoyevsky understands. He summarized my approach in a single sentence:

What seemed to gratify him and flatter his self-love most was to play the ridiculous part of the injured husband, and to parade his woes with embellishments.

...from The Brothers Karamazov, an online version

I met with an old friend recently. The two of us along with a group of people we worked with on an HIV/AIDS prevention program went through an experience a few years back called Landmark Education. We met in a coffee house to catch up. She told me what was up for her and I told her about my dilemma. Her response?

You've become the object in someone else's sentence instead of being the subject of your own.

She was right.

I don't like myself much when I shift into the victim mentality but it happens from time to time. It's a mindset that the ego just loves. Not because you start to feel better while encased in this mentatlity... you don't. What happens is that you have something external on which to place all blame. So while you still feel terrible, at least you can wax poetic about whose fault it is because it certainly isn't your own.

I don't like that I come here and talk about the same struggles over and over again. Somehow I judge myself for my repeated patterns. I feel weak. I think I'm supposed to master each lesson in one take and I'm frustrated with myself when I find myself lapsing into the same old routines. Buddhist practice is about abandoning unprofitable states and cultivating profitable states. If I was a "real" Buddhist, a "real" practitioner, wouldn't I have gained some mastery by now?

Not lately. Because the only things I've taken refuge in of late are mini Dove bars and lemon-poppyseed scones. At least for these past few months, I've let stress consume me and I've dealt with it in habitual, unprofitable ways.

I'm having this inner dialog about Zen and discipline. Can my practice periods help me to gain control of the areas of my  life where I feel out of control? And I wonder... Maybe seeing practice as a vehicle that will make me different than I am... that will make me who I want to be in certain respects is the wrong approach. Maybe practice only results in insight, then we still have to get up every morning and actively decide what to do with that insight. Maybe this practice will never be that magic wand I want it to be.

But I know that not practicing doesn't work for me.

I started this blog to document my Intenstive Practice journey. You can see what a bumpy ride it has been. But here I am, beginning again. Starting now.

Self-Building, "Issues" and Resistance to Practice

Last weekend a couple of sorors stopped by for girls night in. It was supposed to be our weekly writer's club meeting, but instead we got sucked in to a few specials that were running on VH1. The first was And You Don't Stop: 30 Years of Hip-Hop--a documentary that I had seen before. Afterwards, we watched DMC: My Adoption Journey.

It was personally moving to me, watching Darryl McDaniels' story unfold because I was adopted. I can't begin to tell you how much that verb defined me from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood. Unlike Darryl, I always knew I was adopted. With that knowing came this constant wondering about where I fit, a sense of alienness inside my family, a perpetual identity crisis. I used to think that there would always be some missing piece in my life unless I pieced together my own adoption journey and understood where I came from, what my birth parents were like, why my birth mother gave me up.

A few months before my daughter was born back in 1996, my parents gave me my adoption papers. Although no identifying information was provided, there were brief biographical sketches of both of my parents. I remember sitting alone in the house I shared with her father. I read it, and I wept. And I felt such a sense of release. Somehow that small picture... that small window into my birth parents' interests, talents and families allowed me to feel some sense of closure.

Looking back on it now, it amazes me... the intricacy we can infuse into our stories about our lives and what they mean. We make it all up. All of it. And sometimes it consumes us. For years I had this ongoing drama going about being adopted and what it means. But for me, instead of launching my own adoption journey, I embarked on a spiritual journey. Along that path, I found A Course in Miracles, which is very comparable to Buddhism in certain respects (in my opinion... but I'll save that discussion for another day).

The Course is all about dismantling the ego's hold on our perceptions and our actions. The one year self-study program contains 365 lessons which like koans attempt to crack through the usual way of thinking and open our minds to new possibilities. No doubt, it is a controversial text... but those who have really mined it come through the experience with amazing insights into the self, the ego, forgiveness, right seeing, and love. Reading it, I found quotes like this that made me see my own issues around being adopted in a different light:

What you think you are
is a belief to be undone.

[...from Gifts from A Course in Miracles pg. 50]

The Course doesn't stop at applying this idea to the self... it requires you to apply it to all things. What you think he is/she is/it is is a belief to be undone. I find that this fits comfortably with one of the Fifty Verses on the Nature of Consciousness in Thich Nhat Hanh's Transformation at the Base:

With store consciousness as its support,
Manas arises.
Its function is mentation,
Grasping the seeds it considers to be a "self."

[...from Transformation at the Base: Fifty Verses on the Nature of Consciousness by Thich Nhat Hanh, pg. 94]

Later in the chapter on Mentation, Thay explains:

The object of manas is the perceiver aspect of store consciosness. Just as the perceiver naturally embraces the perceived, manas embraces and clings to this aspect of store consciousness, makes it into an object and that object becomes an idea of self. All manas does is to think and calculate, "This is me." This is called mentation (manana). Day and night, manas is always thinking, believing, grasping, and considering store consciousness as its object, as a separate entity. It is always persent as a kind of instinct that takes its object as itself.

And this is why we have "issues." We look for them. We construct them. We take care of them. We become attached to them.

Watching another adoption story unfold, witnessing it with some distance and objective perspective, I started to understand the  spiritual futility of it all alongside the fundamental and adamant importance placed upon it by the ego. And I could see all "issues" in this light.

I've been stuck in a very ego-centered place these past few months with so much worry about my career, so much irritation because there has been so little stroking of my ego. People keep knocking down my damned towers (or at least I'm feeling like they are) and I'm not happy about it.  I've felt stretched to the limit, and I haven't been practicing. These things together leave me vulnerable, grasping for some sense of calm... some mental "home". There has been no affirmation of self to uphold whatever "me" I think I am and in the absense of that affirmation, the "I" has felt very unsafe.

But I think that's just what happens when we attempt to take refuge in everything except the Three Jewels. What happiness can be found by seeking refuge or salvation in anything else? As for me, I'm just looking at the ways I tend to feed my "issues" and how disconnected, self-indulgent and ego-affirming it all is. It's no wonder I have been having difficulty and resistance around my practice.

I haven't been blogging because I haven't known what to say. I guess I've felt like Jeff did when he wrote:

There seems so little to say lately. It is hard to keep up a blog on Buddhist practice when you are busy with the problem of Buddhist practice in everyday life itself.

I've found myself wondering about the place of this "Buddhist Blog" in my life when it is absent of any real Buddhist practice. Today, I'm tired of fighting it, avoiding it, resisting it, and contemplating all the reasons why I fight it, avoid it, and resist it. All of this self-building leaves me tired and sluggish and instead of writing another word I just need to get active with my practice. Maybe I'll be back later to talk about it.

Greatest Attainment

In the beginning of a book called Achieving Balance, there is a quote by Melodie Beattie from The Language of Letting Go. Melanie says:

Rest when you're tired.
Take a drink of cold water when you're thirsty.
Call a friend when you're lonely.
Ask God for help when you feel overwhelmed.

Many of us have learned how to deprive and neglect
ourselves. Many of us have learned to push
ourselves hard, when the problem is that we've already
pushed too hard. Many of us are afraid the work
won't get done if we rest when we're tired.

The work will get done; it will be done better than
work that emerges from tiredness of soul and spirit.

Nurtured, nourished people, who love themselves and
care for themselves, are the delight of the Universe.
They are well-timed, efficient, and Divinely led.

This reminds me of a previous Daily Dharma entry that quotes Layman Pang. Pang speaks of his greatest attainment. It sounds simple, but the more time that passes as I take this journey into zen, the more I get what a challenge it can be.

Recently I've been forced to look at the ways I push myself and how often I put off doing things that would refuel me. One realization I had over the holidays was the simple understanding that the shackles of business, hurriedness, and overwhelm I have viewed as natural byproducts of this modern, fast-paced life we live are shackles I have taken on... not because I'm forced to but because I choose to.

Yes, I have to get up and go to work every day if I want to feed my family and have a place to live. It's not the getting up and going to work... It's not the commute... It's not the people I work with... It's not the eleven hours I have to give away Monday through Friday... No. None of these things are the source of my overwhelm when I'm overwhelmed. The problem is simply that I won't always sleep when I'm tired, and I don't always eat when I'm hungry. I won't always drink when I'm thirsty, and I don't always perform my practice faithfully.

Between delusion and diligence there is a choice. The wise choices, like warm mittens on cold days, take care of everything. The poor choices tear us apart. Knowing that daily meditation practice can enhance your life accounts for nothing if you know but you still don't sit. Knowing that a certain diet will take good care of your body, guard against illness, shed excess weight and improve your energy levels accounts for nothing if you know but you still go for junk food every chance you get.

I'm in the process of reviewing old tapes of the Franklin Time Management Seminar that was distributed circa 1989. In it, time management guru Hyrum Smith discusses what he calles the productivity triquation. He suggests that there is a cyclical relationship between event control, productivity and self-esteem. What does this mean? When event control decreases, productivity decreases. When productivity decreases, self-esteem plunges. Low self-esteem perpetuates ambivalence about time management, and the cycle continues. On the other hand, when we manage our discretionary time well, our productivity increases as do our feelings of self-worth.

So many people I know are waiting for something to happen so they can feel better about themselves and their lives. They are waiting for that right person, that right job, that right relationship, that right car, that right salary, that right child, that right house, that right number on the scale, that right dress or pant size... This lecture series reminds me that achieving high self-esteem and avoiding overwhelm are simple matters that are under our control. We just need the diligence to do two things every day... We need to decide what's important and do it faithfully. This is my focus right now.

Stop Whining

I've been getting in touch with the fact that I'm holding on to upsets. I'm upset because I choose to be. I don't let go of my upsets because I don't want to. This practice... holding on... directly clashes with what Intensive Practice requires of me... a thing called Gratitude practice.

Gratitude practice is simple on the surface. All you have to do is lie in bed and think about what you are grateful for as you fall asleep. Sounds really easy, doesn't it? It's only easy if one condition is true... if you are not holding on to anger, hatred, or upset. It can be easier to follow the upset, easier to fuel the hatred, and easier to stoke the anger than it is to sit for five minutes and think about everything you have to be thankful for.

My message to myself lately has been "Gosh, Chalip... Stop whining." It's not sexy. It's not even cute. I'm getting to the point where I can see my whining mind and just notice it... being present to the fact that I am having an internal tantrum. Then I remind myself there is another way... a way that champions loving-kindness and compassion. I can't say that I gush with pink, happy energy at that point. I can't say that I become a perfect poster child for love and peace. But I notice that I'm whining less today than I was a week ago. I notice that I notice when that switch flips in my head that wants to autoplay my complaints. I notice that my complaints and upsets are on autoplay and autoreverse... it's the same stuff over and over again.

I admit it... on days when I've had a good day for my practice... when I've done everything else on the list... I often forget to do Gratitutde practice. I fall into bed and I just forget about it. In order to stop whining and start touching gratitude, I need to get active.

Zen Advice, Great Faith, and the Point of Practice

I returned to the temple a couple of weeks ago after at least a six week hiatus. I walked in frazzled... overcome with life in general and annoyed. I spent those weeks looking forward to Wednesday night television (ANTM, LOST, and Invasion), and Friday night dates.

I was starting to accept the fact that the dating part was over... struggling with the fact that even the possibility of friendship seemed absent, wondering why and trying not to worry about it. I was starting to accept the fact that I was responsible for my problems at work (at least in part... I'm trying to eat all blame but it's been a challenge because my ego-mind is putting up a huge fight). I was ready to get on with my practice.

One of the dharma students asked, "Where've you been?"

"Caught up in a bunch of stuff," I replied.

I don't remember the exact words, but we started talking about the futility of allowing ourselves to get caught up in a bunch of stuff. Then we started talking about practice. This was where the zen advice came in...

"Just try being aware of your awareness," he said.

He talked about how he never felt like he was "doing anything" in meditation until he started to practice being aware of his awareness... He described it a bit... Again, I don't remember the exact words but his suggestions sounded a lot like Insight Meditation to me... turning on the watching mind... the detached mind that notices and names what's going on without getting involved with it... sounded like good medicine.

I've started practicing again and I'm noticing why I practice when I practice. I typically practice in response to something...

• I'm stressed out...
• I'm angry...
• I'm heartbroken...
• i'm lonely...
• I'm sad...
• I'm obsessing...
• I'm annoyed...
• I'm stuck in unforgiveness...

Something triggers in me a desire to address my "problem" and I practice. I practice because I want to pull the arrow out, whatever it is.

Last Sunday after I took Ksanti to see the latest Harry Potter movie, we went to a local Panera for lunch. I sat and wrote the Metta Sutra in my journal a couple of times, then read through some past entries. I flipped through some notes I took from Martine Batchelor's Principles of Zen.

In the book, she talkes about the Three Attitudes: Great Faith, Great Courage, and Great Questioning. Reading through these notes, I started to look at my approach to practice and feel a bit like a punk...

"Where is my Great Faith," I asked myself.

Zen, I acknowledged, was something I was doing when life wasn't giving me what I wanted. I was taking Zen like other people take pills... my approach to practice was a form of craving... grasping for something else. What a lightbulb... It explained everything... It explained why it has been so hard for me to sustain Intensive Practice... Deep down, I didn't think there was any need if things were going my way... If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I've  been reading Brad's blog... I few posts ago, he talked about a sitting out there in Santa Monica (where I'm willing to bet there's no snow on the ground):

Some guy asked about techniques. He'd been trained in some other forms of meditation that emphasized learning lots of techniques for calming the mind and so on. Zen, on the other hand, is real bare bones. There is very little technique involved at all. The thing is, though, that all the techniques you might master are based on the idea that the state you're aiming to achieve is better than the one you have. Zen is based on facing what your state is right now, getting right to the bottom of THIS right HERE. The thing is that all of your problems are based on preference, on judging one thing as better than another thing.

There is a difference between facing what your state is and trying to change it. Perhaps while facing what my state is, I can acknowledge the desire to change it without trying to change it. Perhaps when I sit, chant, journal, bow, or walk I can start with a remembrance that keeps me centered on the point of practice.

Not to wave a wand
Not to attain that "something else" I crave
Not to be anywhere but here
Not to avoid delusions or defilements
Not to transform or empower
But to find the courage to stay
With whatever is
Until it no longer is
I sit to sit
I chant to chant
I bow to bow

Pulling the Arrow Out

When I get caught up in things, I go for the Metta Sutra. It works like windshield wipers (or that new Bissell spot cleaner) on my mind. All you have to do is turn it on, let it cycle through the verses, and let them penetrate your heart.

P'arang writes about this in a great book called Tap Dancing in Zen, which I am reading now. On pages 6-7 she quotes Tsering Everest:

When someone makes you angry, it is as if they shot an arrow at your heart. It doesn't hit you but lands right at your foot. Then you pick up the arrow and stab yourself with it over and over again. That's what happens. Anything in life can be the cause of getting upset, but the choice to be upset or not is our own.

[...from Buddhism Through American Women's Eyes]

A really sweet person named Gina left a comment on my last post on forgiveness about being "sulky and passive agressive" at work. I read that and thought... "Really? You too, huh?". Reading this quote in P'arang's book last weekend really shed light on my own sulky, passive agressive behavior. Then, I got hit in the head again by last week's dharma talk at Still Point.

Koho told the story of Marpa and Milarepa. I'll try to give an abbreviated version...

Milarepa wanted a teacher. He went to Marpa the translator, and asked him if he could be Marpa's student. Marpa said yes... on one condition. Milarepa had to build a tower. Not just any tower... he had to build one to Marpa's exact specifications in a precise location. Milarepa went to work. He started by making the bricks and materials, then moved into the construction phase until finally the tower was complete. Marpa took one look at the tower and told him to tear it down. Apparently Milarepa was off a few inches. He tore down the tower and started again.

Well, this went on several times. You can imaging the painstaking, back-breaking work Milarepa put into this task. You can imagine the time he spent. You can imaging his frustration mounting each time he was told to build the tower again. It came to a point when Milarepa just didn't care about being Marpa's student anymore. He decided to put his whole heart... his very being into the process of building this tower and didn't care if Marpa approved of it or not. As you can guess, Marpa accepted him as a student after the final tower was built.

I can see this story playing out in so many ways... not only in my life but in the lives of my friends. I think this story, at the heart, is about giving up all need for thanks and praise. It is about giving our best effort no matter what. Because who or what is it that really wants, needs or expects that thank you? It is not our hearts. So I turn to the Heart Sutra again and again until what I know in my head penetrates my heart.

The Third Fetter

Yesterday I took a class at Still Point called Understanding the Heart Sutra. The class was great. I will post about it a little later. So many things became clear to me as a result of this class. One of the things I'm starting to look at because of this class is my relationship to Intensive Practice.

Buddhism is full of lists including the Three Jewels, Four Noble Truths, Five Precepts, Six Paramitas, Seven Factors of Awakening, and the Noble Eightfold Path. I pulled out some study materials this morning that I could consult as I reviewed my notes from yesterday's class. In one book, I found another list—the Ten Fetters:

Ordinary, unenlightened people are said to be bound by ten fetters. They are:

1. Personality View
2. Skeptical Doubt
3. Reliance on Ethical Rules and Religious Observances
4. Craving for Things of the Senses
5. Hatred
6. Craving for the World of Archetypal Forms
7. Craving for the Formless World
8. Conceit
9. Restlessness
10. Ignorance

Traditionally, it is believed that the person who is able to break the first three fetters achieves 'Stream Entry' — in other words, enters a stream which is bound to carry him or her to Nibbana. One who can break all ten fetters achieves enlightenment.

[... from Teach Yourself 101 Key Ideas: Buddhism, pg. 28. Names of each fetter are presented but descriptions found in the original text (where present) were excluded.]

The description of the Third Fetter explains that...

Whilst  Buddhism certainly encourages ethical awareness and does not dismiss religious ceremonies, it holds that they are of benefit only in terms of the mental state of those who perform them. There is no inherent value in obedience as such, nor should religious rites be taken as a guaranteed method of making spiritual progress.

I take this to mean that it is important to learn how to practice (whatever your practice is) without being attached to specific outcomes and without being attached to the practice itself. I tend to have an "all-or-nothing" perspective about my practice... the way this unfolds for me is either I'm doing everything on the Intensive Practice schedule at the suggested times or I'm not doing it at all. If I miss the morning sitting or the morning bows, I don't practice at all before bed. Thus, my mental state around my practice is very rigid and limiting.

How's Your Practice?

After Tuesday, I didn't practice this week. There was really only one prevailing reason... I really hurt myself doing prostrations. It was kinda like having a good workout in the gym only to wake up the next morning in excruciating pain and not quite understand why. I didn't feel like I was overexerting myself while doing the bows, but the next day my thighs were just killing me. I walked around and got out of chairs like an old woman all week long. The pain was pretty intense until yesterday when there was just mild soreness when I applied pressure to certain muscles.

Sitting Through Disappointment

Every year when the temple is in recess, I delve into some sort of couch dharma... it might be a book, a CD, a DVD...This time last year, it was Natalie Goldberg's The Great Failure. This year, I'm reading (as usual) and listening to Pema Chodron's Getting Unstuck.

It is timely.

For the past couple of weeks I've been sitting through a disappointment I created. So excited about the prospect of a new relationship, I built up this great fantasy about what was to come... I ventured past the present moment into the world of grand speculation, and alas... the fantasy was far better than the reality. In a nutshell, I got my feelings hurt. So then what... I found myself left in a space of uncomfortable disappointment. Life was certainly easier when I was not concerned with dating or forging some special relationship. The cynic that is me called to mind quotes from Sartre... "Hell is other people." Much easier to just be alone, it can be... As I sat through it, the disappointment waned... Hell was no longer other people... maybe hell is just dating... maybe hell is just expectation... maybe hell is just in my mind when it is lost in space.

Then, when listening to Disc One of Getting Unstuck, something struck me. Pema talks about learning to stay. Early in the talk, she delivers a one-line teaching that is so quick and so simple it would be easy to miss how powerful it really is:

Whatever arises is fresh, the essence of realization.

It is such an interesting word there, fresh... No matter what the experience... sweet, sour, neutral, painful, humbling, empowering... whatever it is... it is raw, fresh, organic, new. Whatever it is, it is now. We have to deal with it. To run from it is to run from enlightenment... to run from realization. Another quote from Pema:

Actually what I also notice about the few people in my life that I consider to be completely awake... they learn to stay. And that's what you feel, you feel this sense of eternal present. They don't go off anywhere like we do... they just stay. And that seems to be what enlightenment is. It's the simplest thing and the most profound thing at the same time.

I really couldn't find myself on the other side of my disappointment until I allowed myself to just sit in it, to feel it, and to watch it pass. It was a lesson in learning to stay. The great Buddhas and Bodhisattvas only know how many more times I will sit through something fresh before I could be considered "completely awake," but it is a beginning.

What's Hard?

Next time you find yourself lamenting about how hard sitting practice is, check out this entry by haikupoet. She relates a story from her teacher:

my teacher once said that some of her longtime students were complaining one night about sitting, and how hard it was. she just said: hard? what's hard? you're just sitting!

That's just perfect, isn't it! I might just post this quote on the wall where I sit. Thanks haikupoet.

Getting to Daily Practice

Recent comments on a recent post got me thinking... I know that daily sitting practice is an attainable goal. I also know that losing 30 pounds is an attainable goal though it doesn't always feel like it. How does one get there? Do we get there through the decision to be disciplined and intentional now and forever, or is it a process?

Thinking about this, I picked up one of my teacher's books, Stumbling Toward Enlightenment. On page 19, P'arang talks about how difficult it was to commit to the deep river that is a retreat:

...Deeper and deeper we sink into the practice. The final day feels like we are floating in an emptiness which I can only describe as a soft joy.

I would walk a thousand miles to do it again.

It wasn't always so. It took years to dip my toe into this deep river that is retreat, and even then I found excuses not to stay at one for the whole time... [some content snipped] Finally, the simple momentum of my practice got me in the door and gave me the wherewithal to stay the heck put. Looking back, the decision to commit to a spiritual path came in tiny increments, starting with a whispered promise to myself, years ago, to just sit for five minutes and see what it was like.

Like all transformations, I have learned that stumbling toward enlightenment happens in fits and starts. And we all need to start at the beginning. It's like sailing. First you have to row a little boat.

I've always looked at the road from no meditation to daily meditation as a process of behavioral change, similar to Prochaska and DiClemente's Stages of Change model. While this model emerged from a 1982 study of people who were trying to stop smoking and has been traditionally discussed with respect to people who were trying to change behaviors that could be classified as unhealthy or troubling, I think we also move through stages of change when trying to adopt healthy, positive, behaviors. With respect to sitting practice, the stages may look something like this:

1. Precontemplation: The practitioner does not  intend to practice daily for the next six months. The individual with no meditation practice may not believe that a daily sitting practice would be of benefit. The individual that has tried to sit again and again without successs may have given up... believing the goal to be unattainable.
2. Contemplation: The practitioner intends to start a daily practice within the next 6 months. During this stage, the practitioner begins to assess barriers (e.g., time, hassle, fear, "I know I need to, Sunim, but ...") as well as the benefits of daily practice.
3. Preparation: The practitioner intends to take action within the next 30 days and has taken some behavioral steps in this direction. Perhaps a space for practice has been cleared/prepared in the home.  Perhaps the practitioner has taken to reading about practice, or listening to talks/instructions on practice. Perhaps the practitioner is participating in a sitting group or attending a weekly service or retreat. The benefits of daily practice are clear, and the practitioner wants to learn to establish the discipline. The desire for practice is strong. The practitioner makes small changes as the determination to practice daily increases.
4. Action: The practitioner sits daily for any period less than six months.
5. Maintenance: The practitioner begins to learn how to incorporate the new behavior "over the long haul." The practitioner has been sitting daily for a period longer than six months.
6. Relapse/Recycle: Discouragement over occasional "slips" may halt the process and result in the practitioner giving up. However, most practitioners find themselves "recycling" through the stages of change several times before the goal of daily practice becomes truly established.
7. Termination: The practitioner has complete confidence daily practice will continue without fear of relapse

• [... my practice-centered take on comments and research about the Stages of Change model by Scott McIntosh, Ph.D. and Kelli McCormack Brown]

I don't know... maybe I'm wrong about this. Maybe we all just need to say, "From this day forth, I practice daily," and mean it, and do it. Personally, I've found my attempts to make instant changes an approach too drastic to sustain.

Letting Go of Other Things

Thursday morning on the way to work, I was rear-ended at a red light. The back end of my car, and my back, left the scene of the accident a bit bruised. While I'm still walking around, turning my neck, and functioning normally for the most part, I'm finding my back strained after a day of sitting, walking, and lifting. While I haven't seen a doctor yet, I'm calling this a (relatively) mild case of whiplash. At other times, injury or illness would be a good reason not to practice. Today, I'm just making a few adjustments.

Have you ever had your own thoughts about what meditation practice is supposed to look like? I admit that when I first started practicing, I didn't feel like I was "really" meditating if I wasn't sitting on my zafu in the burmese position, hands in the Dhyani mudra. Today, though I could sit this way for a while, I found myself needing to curl up into child's pose or relax back into corpse pose to give my back a breather.

These past two weeks offline have been good. I've missed reading the blogs that I've come to enjoy, but I needed to let go of this medium for a while. In a recent post titled Not Much to Say, Nacho left this comment that really sums up what I'm working on right now:

I am a teacher, and I agree it is wonderful to have the flexibility time-wise to spend with my son and daughter. There is always work to do. So the Summer is not really "off," but it is far less busy and scheduled. Yet, my practice has really confronted me with the importance, need, desire, to be there at all times! So, more than spending that time in the Summer, I've been letting go of other things at other times and spending time with my son and daughter during the semester.

I think that it is important for me to learn to let go of or lessen my participation in other things from time to time... to center on my family and my practice. Carving out the other things (or lessening the time spent engaging in other things like watching television) creates space to do more of what matters most. Shifting from being someone who has to be everywhere doing everything to someone who attempts just a few things mindfully has been difficult at times. It really is a process of letting go... Letting go and looking at the spaciousness I can create when I slow myself down a bit has been a huge benefit. Forgiving the need to "do, do, do..." and allowing the space to "be, be, be..." is a huge relief... a way to bring balance between my corporate life and the rest of life.

It's all Good...

Jason left a response to a previous post today that really inspired me and reminded me to "go easy" on myself when I think I'm not doing enough practice... practicing consistently... blah, blah, blah. His words could easily apply to so many things. If you are feeling discouraged or beating up on yourself for whatever reason, perhaps his words will help you, too...

Of course you should go easy on yourself =). Let some of that compassion and loving-kindness flow inwards to yourself (you not only deserve it, but probably need it). It's my opinion that there is no such thing as perfection (enlightenment is not perfection either). Perfection is just a concept that causes us suffering. Our faults, on a deeper level, define our own humanity, and in accepting them (and, yes, even loving them), we begin to connect with others (and ourself) in a more positive way.

After 6 years my practive is a rollercoaster ride also. I regularly fall of the cusion, fall back into walking sleep and struggle with life. However, it's the struggle that builds experience, and Zen is really about transcending the conceptual and experiencing life directly as it is. So, remember, when you fall back into walking sleep (lack of awareness) or fall off the cusion, there's an oportunity to re-experience the joy of sitting or awakening to daily life all over again (and again, and again, and again =). So, my perspective is that these things are just good ways to add depth to our practice. If zazen was easy we'd all be fully enlightened right now (though depending on your tradition, we probably are already enlightened =), so, yes, take it easy on yourself and enjoy the rollercoaster ride (it can be fun too =).

Thanks again, Jason.

Examine It

I've been carrying around lojong cards from Pema Chodron's Compassion Box. One I read today during my lunch hour made me smile:

Examine the nature of unborn awareness.

Look at your mind, at just simple awareness itself. "Examine" doesn't mean analyze. It means just looking and seeing if there is anything solid to hold onto. Our mind is constantly shifting and changing. Just look at that!

It should be the easiest thing to do... Don't analyze... Just look.

Today, I started thinking about everything that keeps me from my practice. What can help me get back on the cushion when I'm exhausted, stressed, or sick? I thought that maybe if I could just isolate a strategy, I would have the tools I need next time I need to practice under pressure.  I smiled when I read the card because this train of thought I entertained is all analysis. This is all me trying to think my way through practice instead of just sinking into it... being with it.

There is no strategy. There is only practice.

I found this great mantra on the Golden Wind Zen Group's website:

Clear mind, clear mind, clear mind... Don't Know.

The site author states that this mantra is useful when you need to "relieve the mind of a lot of thinking." This is me... every day... more than usual lately. So I'm off to sit and sweep my mind with this.

Buddha Laughs, I Obsess

I'm reading Eve Ensler's The Good Body. I'm reading it because I have at least 10 diet books in my library. I'm reading it because I become mesmerized by ads and infomercials about the latest, greatest ab machines, exercise equipment, or diet plans. Before my pregnancy, I was a slender size four. Strangely, I didn't think I was thin. I still have some of my size four clothes, mostly because my mother said I will never wear them again and I long to prove her wrong. Now, I hover between a size 12 and 14, and I have a round belly like the Laughing Buddha.

The part of me that wishes Zen practice would change me, wishes it could somehow remove certain tendencies that I have acquired as a Western woman. As an African-American, I wish I were more like African women who celebrate their bodies whatever the shape or size. I wish I wasn't taught to be deeply concerned about my skin, my hair, or my body or to be expected to strive for the perfection of my surface at the expense of deeper pursuits. I wish I felt at ease in my body like Laughing Buddha. Just look at him. Pure ease, contentment, lightness, whimsy.

Eve's preface says it all. A few excerpts:

Why write a play about my stomach?

This play is my prayer, my attempt to analyze the mechanisms of our imprisonment, to break free so that we may spend more time running the world than running away from it; so that we may be consumed by the sorrow of the world rather than consuming to avoid that sorrow and suffering.

The Laughing Buddha pictured above was carved into "the Peak that Flew Afar" at Lingyin Temple. It is said that this Buddha keeps the troubles of the world in his belly. My belly, in contrast, is rather self-centered and holds only my own.

This body obsession obstructs my practice... not just my Zen practice, my yoga practice as well. I find that I move between "trying to make my body better to improve my practice" and "practice so I'm not so concerned with my body." With yoga practice, I find myself moving between avoiding the practice because it really exposes where all of your fat lives, to breaking through my body drama and going deep into asanas just because that is what you do if you practice yoga. Some days, I go easy on myself. Some days, self-judgement drives deep. Some days, I'm working out because I really just want to be healthier and better equipped to keep up with my daughter. Some days, I'm working out because I want to be on the cover of Cosmo. (Well, not really... I just want to look like I could be).

As I read this book I'm going to pull it into my practice, and really practice Insight Meditation around these issues/thoughts/feelings/obsessions. And I'm going to do Metta practice for myself and all women everywhere who think they are not enough for whatever reason.

Cleaning House

Normally, I spend a good portion of my weekend cleaning my apartment. I vacuum. I dust. I clean the bathrooms. I do laundry. Today, I'm realizing that I need to clean my physical house... this body where I live.

I've been restless lately, unable to sit.

Yesterday, I chilled and took some time for self-pampering... I soaked my feet, gave myself a home pedicure, and just relaxed a bit in front of the television. Today, rolled out my fitness ball, blew the dust off of my Core Secrets FUNdamentals CD, and did a 25 minute workout.

My life is very sedentary right now. I go to work and park myself in my cube for a day in front of the computer. I come home, cook, clean, check homework, read bedtime stories, then put myself to bed. I haven't been carving out the time I need to give to my body, and I can see that this is what makes a difference with my practice. This is one way that consistently doing prostrations helps... you get your body moving, and something more than fat or calories is burned in the process.

After Core Secrets, I did some Yoga with Rodney Yee, one of my favorite yoga instructors. When I haven't been practicing yoga in awhile (I'm months away from consistent practice right now) I ease back into things using Yee's AM Stretch. It is gentle, it raises the energy, it engages the legs and hips (preparing them for more challenging practice) and it is relatively short. It ends with seated meditation.

I'm feeling less heavy. Now I just need to stop letting my body or my diet slip into the background. My practice doesn't work as well on Hungry Howie's and Diet Coke.

When I'm the One Who Sucks

I decided that I needed to take a few days away from my blog. Life was stressful. I wasn't sitting my way through it. As a result, I did something stupid. I've moved through several spaces on this issue...

1. Total ignorance
2. Waking up
3. Feeling guilty about it
4. Relaxing the guilt
5. Gaining Awareness
6. Practicing Gratitude

I'm glad I didn't have to list denial. That's usually what goes at the top of the list when I've screwed something up. I didn't do that this time. I started in a space of total ignorance (mindlessness) about how what I said might affect others. I woke up. I realized how insensitive it was for me to blog about someone else's problems (no matter how they affected me, how concerned I was, or how much I wanted to help). Waking up to this was hard. I was really emotional about the issue, and very fearful. I was so blinded by my emotions that I couldn't see.

The guilt was intense. I probably spent a whole day or so feeling completely miserable. But I watched it. I practiced Insight. I named it as I saw it. It slowly dissipated. Insight meditation is a great practice when you're gripped by powerful emotions.

The first step in working with an emotion is to recognize what it is. It's very helpful to use mental noting to bring forth clear recognition: "This is hapiness, this is sadness, this is loneliness, this is excitement, this is interest, this is boredom." Clear recognition can be very helpful.

When an emotion is arising strongly in your experience, it's useful to notice the difficult aspects or constituents of the emotion. Feel the specific sensations in the body. Is there heat? Is the body contracted? Is it open? Is it soft? Notice whether there are particular images or thoughts associated with the emotion, and notice the mind flavor of the particular feeling. Each emotion has its own flavor, of sadness or happiness or joy or love or anger. Open to the subtleties in the mind and body as each of these feelings arises.

[...from Insight Meditation: A Step-by-Step Course on How to Meditate by Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein, Workbook pg. 134]

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone screws up once in awhile. What I begin to realize is that it is really good for me. When I'm sitting in the middle of my own mess, I find myself completely on my knees. I don't have to bow... whatever the situation is, my feelings about it leave me completely prostrate. I don't like being in that space. I understand dukkha (suffering/unsatisfactoriness). I feel it. Then I'm immediately moved to practice. I'm shaken out of my laziness.

When I'm sitting in the middle of my own mess, I'm more compassionate about the screw ups of others. I'm not riding on an egoistic angelic cloud while the rest of the world is hell incarnate. I understand that it's not just "them"... that we all have work to do.

I'm grateful. I'm grateful that someone cared enough to wake me up. I'm thankful that someone cared enough to send encouraging comments. I'm grateful for this online community of Buddhist bloggers. I'm even grateful for the situations in life that suck because they are good for my practice. Thanks to everyone who posted comments to my last entry... I appreciate you all.

When People Suck

Let's face it. Sometimes, people just suck. Try as we might to give them the benefit of the doubt, see the best in them when they're being the worst, take the high road... sometimes we have to act. Sometimes that act is to separate ourselves from them, remove ourselves from the situation, retreat. I've done it myself.

Catching up on my blog reading, I just spotted a post on ZenDiary.org that referenced my earlier post Ten Guides Along the Path. Reading the post made me re-think my own and want to add some disclaimers.

A bodhisattva response to a difficult person could be to wish them awake. In the beginning (especially where there are intense feelings of aversion, pain, disappointment, frustration, anger, etc.) the mantra "May you have the fortune to awaken fully" may be internally chanted with the same fervor and attitude one might convey when, say, flipping the bird. Learning to be a bodhisattva is not about saintly behavior. Saintly behavior is inauthentic and thus antithetical to zen.

What I do is more AA than Bodhisattva way. I fake it until I make it. I watch what I'm thinking, how I'm responding, where I am with a person or situation. There are usually phases:

1. I see that I'm stuck in ill feelings and I try to be good.
2. I seek advice on how to be good.
3. I see the futility of trying to be good.
4. I sink into my feelings. I experience what's going on. I watch.
5. No matter what I'm feeling, I try to wish the person well.
6. In the beginning, it's really hard to wish them well. Especially when I'm really stuck.
7. As time goes on, it gets easier, until...
8. The person who was my "difficult person" becomes neutral
9. Something/someone else ticks me off and I have a whole new object to focus on

My disclaimer is this: I think it is perfectly okay to love people from a distance. Sometimes, the situation is so intense the only way to deal with it is to pull away and gain perspective. My personal goal is to try to apply more karuna (compassion and mercy) to self and to others through the process. Karuna begins when I acknowledge the human element. I am human. They are human. I breathe. They breathe. I feel. They feel. But first I have to move through the stuck phase when my thoughts are more like "I'm human, they suck."

To me, keeping it real means being authentically who you are where you are. In my practice, this might mean that I "stew" in ill thoughts and feelings for awhile. I'm human, and I can't help being in that space sometimes.

Applying Bodhisattva principles to a situation, I keep the Bodhisattva vow in the back of my mind. I try to always remember the big picture. I say "Have the fortune to awaken fully" until I mean it from a loving-kind space. It is never an overnight quick fix. It is never a snap-of-the-finger transformation. I wish I was there. I'm not there yet.

Zen Advice

After five nights in paradise, I have returned home to find that most of the snow has melted in metro Detroit (which makes me very, very happy). Although we can't touch the 70°-90° weather in southern Florida and the Caribbean, the fact that this part of the world is getting a little warmer is something to smile about.

While I was on the cruise, I reached out to whoever's reading for some good old fashioned Zen advice. To all of those who offered wisdom, a heartfelt thank you!

On the plane ride home today, I continued to read Mindfulness in Plain English. In Chapter 4 (Attitude), Gunaratana discusses attitudes that are essential to success in practice. He provides a list of eleven attitudes with commentary. The abbreviated list is as follows:

Essential Attitudes for Successful Practice

1. Don't expect anything
2. Don't strain
3. Don't rush
4. Don't cling to anything & don't reject anything
5. Let go
6. Accept everything that arises
7. Be gentle with yourself
8. Investigate yourself
9. View all problems as challenges
10. Don't ponder
11. Don't dwell upon contrasts

These attitudes (in my humble opinion) are equally applicable off the cushion. I will take this list with me into work on Monday along with all of the wonderful Zen advice offered here by my new online friends.

On "Getting Over It"

So I have a lot going on at work. For the past few weeks, I have felt myself wind up all this tension into a big ball in the middle of my chest. I wake up thinking about it. I go to sleep thinking about it. I dream about it.

I've been at sea since Monday on a Royal Caribbean cruise trying not to spend too much time online as it is costing me .50 cents/minute. (Yikes! I'm also disturbed by the fact that I'm forced to pay .50 cents a minute for Internet Explorer v. 3 or 4... Somebody help me...) Instead, I brought a journal with me (the Zen journal I pulled the last Daily Dharma entry from).

I've also been reading Mindfulness in Plain English. Reading that book and writing in this journal a couple of days ago I came to a distinction about everything that is happening at work. I asked myself... "When does one cross the line from observation to judgment?"

My distinction: "When you start making the observation mean something... When it is no longer neutral, but good (or more often bad)."

I let myself get in too deep. I have all of these judgements constructed about my supervisor.

"But they're all true..." says ego.

Deep down somewhere, I know that is not the point. I have watched myself think things like "I've had enough of her," and "I cannot fathom how someone who is so weak with people can think they can be strong in management." But what difference do these thoughts make? They certainly don't change anything in the outside world. They do, however, color my inside world. Now, all of a sudden, the same behavior that might've made me shrug a few months ago makes me frustrated, angry, impatient, disgusted, exasperated. What has changed?

Me. I have. I let ego take over and decide how to handle this situation. I stopped seeing the bigger picture.

That, in a nutshell, is what is so. I need to acknowledge it, get over it, and move out from there. Harboring these feelings... these judgements is getting in the way. I need to figure out how to address my issues without bringing this type of energy into the situation. Any ideas? Anyone?

Metta Morning

It should be obvious that I feel like I'm being kicked around at work and I'm not happy about it. I haven't yet used my spiritual tools and applied them to the situation. I have meditated to try to alleviate the side effects. I'm starting to do Metta practice this morning to go to the root.

The four statements at the bottom of each page on this site are the Metta statements:

• May you be free from danger
• May you be peaceful and at ease
• May you be filled with loving-kindness
• May you be happy

Doing metta practice, you start with yourself... "May I be free from danger..." Then you move out to a benfactor, a good friend, a neutral person, a difficult person, then finally all beings everywhere.

Practice makes perfect. I used to carry my mala everywhere. I used to chant in the car on my way to work and on my way home. My teacher is right... not having my practice to lean into is affecting my ability to remain calm. I absolutely must do it... for myself and for the world.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

It has been a month now, and I'm still moving stuff and unpacking. The end is in sight, and I can't wait. I was just about to say that once I'm finished with all of these boxes, I can settle in to my practice again. It gets interesting... I don't even notice myself making excuses about why I don't practice. For the past few weeks, the "reason" has been that I need to get settled. What's real is that I am feeling very unsettled lately.

Positions are being cut left and right. A close friend was recently laid off with no warning. Several hundred people will be cut from my company. I think my job is secure, but who knows. If it weren't for my student loans, other debts I need to pay, and the daughter I need to feed/clothe/house, I would be ready to give up my job. Am I the only one out here who is tired of being stressed?

I finished reading the latest Grisham this evening before I started searching for buddhism-related blogs. I found a few that I might visit again. One in particular posted a recent article on meditation from the Washington Post.

Tonight, I'm feeling like a slave to my job. I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm needing (at least) a vacation. I'm in a serious mental fog right now... water, prostrations and sitting would do me good. I'm exhausted, and I have to wake up in five hours. I will probably just go to bed.

Overcoming Resistance

I have missed more Sunday Services in the past two months than I missed the entire year. For many months, I was up and there every Sunday morning, sitting at my teacher's feet, listening to Dharma talks, going deep with my practice, building to consistency. I've written previously about how everything stopped. Tonight I will write about waking up from resistance.

When I went to the Sunday morning service, I knew I needed the interview. If invited to ask a question, I knew what I would ask about—Resistance. How do you get over it? What strategies are there for breaking through it. Thankfully, I was able to ask. As always, I received good advice (paraphrased):

• Don't beat up on yourself about it
• When we practice, we are working to shift our habit patterns. It is hard work...
• Sometimes just five minutes is enough... Once you get yourself on the cushion, you will find that you want to sit longer
• Look for gaps in your day and sit when those gaps present themselves
• You might try setting up your cushion with the understanding that you can't put it away until you do your practice

I purposely didn't read the article I downloaded to my Palm OS device several months ago on the subject. I found this great teaching by Ezra Bayda, and I saved it to my handheld computer knowing that I would end up facing resistance at some point. So why didn't I read it? I think the quote Bayda references from Auden's poem says it all:

We would rather be ruined than changed.
We would rather die in our dread,
Than climb the cross of the moment
And watch our illusions die.
[...from the poem The Age of Anxiety by W.H. Auden (1948)]

I'm trying to make some significant changes in my life. This past month, I've bumped up against a few things that I know in my mind I need to change, but that mental inner-knowing has not yet found agreement with my heart. I was getting to a point in practice where I was seeing myself break through some things (letting go of a long-term relationship that doesn't meet my needs, letting go of judgements of certain co-workers that get in the way of doing my job, etc.) then I got stressed and tried to utilize my old coping strategies—I'm talking lowest-level Maslow—food and sex.

I could add a few bullet points to what my teacher said:

• Most of the time you know what's in the way... Fear, unwillingness to deal with something that seems magnified the deeper you go in your practice. Don't run from it
• Mindfully consider the following: The matter of birth-and-death is a grave one. Impermanence will be upon us too soon. Each of us should strive for Enlightenment with diligence. (I found this quote in a great article I read online earlier this evening by Ven. Samu Sunim).
• Read Bayda's teaching (or anyone else's teaching, for that matter) on Resistance, ignoring the fact that you really don't want to.
• If you can't do anything else on the Intensive Practice Schedule, journal on the second point of reflection (Particular resistance(s) to my practice) and sit for just five minutes.
• Print and post the following quote. Read it when you get stuck.

Do not expect to be free from illness. If you are free from physical illness, you may be easily given up to avarice. Do not expect to be free from difficulties while living in the world. If you are free from difficulties, you may be given up to arrogance and self-indulgence. Do not expect to have no obstacles in your Zen study. If you have no obstacles, your study may exceed your capacity. Do not expect to be free from hindrances in your training. If you are free from hindrances, your vows may weaken...

Therefore, Zen students should take suffering from illness for good medicine, misfortune and difficulties for a pleasant walk, obstacles for release, and hindrances for a Dharma-companion... So, if you stay steadfast with difficulties you will gain release. If you seek a release you will on the contrary run into difficulties. Tathagatas have all attained to the Way of Wisdom (Enlightenment) through difficulties and obstacles. [...from Essay on the King of Samadhi also quoted in the article referenced above by Ven. Samu Sunim]

This morning, I sat for the first time (before work) in several weeks. I celebrate every little victory.