In Sickness and In Health

Today I watched Oprah After the Show for the first time. There was a discussion about smoking, overspending, eating, undereating... self-destructive habits that point to the fact that we don't love ourselves. Oprah said a few things that touched a nerve.

She said first off that if you are over 10 pounds overweight, that is a sign that your life is out of balance. It is a sign that there is self-hatred at play. She also said that many of us are among the living dead. We have shut down in some way, and despite how much we do, we don't have a life. We are out of touch with our feelings. We are functioning but we are not functional. We have not found deep fulfillment. We have not touched joy.

Today I visited my mom in the hospital. On Thursday she had surgery. She has cancer. She is depressed, lamenting about why she is going through what she is going through. Something on Oprah touched on this as well.

Oprah said something about warning signs. First there is a whisper. Then, there is a knock on the door. Then your back is against the wall. Then a brick falls and hits you in the head. Then the wall comes crashing down. Then a hurricane comes and you are  caught in a deadly storm. All because you are out of balance and you are not listening to your heart's call.

Perhaps this is true for me and my mother.

I don't ask why. Sometimes why is not the most productive question. Sometimes it cannot be answered. There are other questions. Sometimes what is a better question than why. What am I going to do now that I find myself in the midst of this. How am I going to face this. And I think face is the right word. When you are sick, you cannot will yourself well, but you can see a doctor. You can start to take steps so that you are taken care of. How is a good question. How can I accept this? How can I stop myself from sinking into depression? How can I remind myself that this thing doesn't have to take my grace or my joy?

I think sickness causes suffering mostly because we don't want to give up the notion that we are not in control and we don't want to give up the fantasy that life is fair. We don't want to be reminded of the inevitability of death, and we don't want to sit face to face with the fact that we will die. It is uncomfortable. It is unsettling. It shakes us to the core.

People typically don't ask why when they have a cold or a sore throat. They accept it as something natural, a natural part of life experience. They take their cold medicine, hunker down and prepare to ride it out. There is no need to ask why. They are not faced with questions of mortality. But mention the word cancer? Cancer is a soul-shaking word.

My mother has long beautiful hair. She wears a press-and-curl, and she has this fabulous salt and pepper hair. It is always curled and perfect. She will start taking radiation soon and she is afraid she will lose her hair. I want to take her India Aire's cut I Am Not My Hair. I want to sing it to her, shout it until it sinks in. Hair is so trivial. As a black woman, I know that I should add two words to the end of that statement. Hair is so trivial to me. I think if she loses her hair I will shave my head. I'll have to get a wig of some sort to wear to work so I don't freak out my co-workers, but while she finds the prospect frightening I would feel a sense of freedom loosing my hair. I'm tired of relaxing. I'm tired of combing and brushing and flat ironing. I'm tired of the damage that comes to my hair and scalp from all the chemical treatments. I would love to lock my hair... I'm just not sure that locks would be well received in the conservative corporate environment where I work. It would be nice to have no hair to worry about... to throw on a wig and be done with it.

My hope would be that it would show her there is nothing to be afraid of. My hope would be that the experience, this cancer, doesn't have to mean that life is devoid of hope or joy. Sometimes sickness can be a gift. Sometimes it can be an opportunity to take stock, to evaluate, to ruminate, and to empower ourselves to make changes.

One of my aunts is also dealing with cancer and she seems to have accepted it with a great deal of dignity and determination. She talks about how she has spent her life taking care of other people but now it is time to take care of herself. My hope is that once this initial shock wears off, that my mother will find that peaceful, courageous stand and live from that stand.

Comments

[Tom Armstrong]

I have a great deal of trouble with the idea that good, abundant things happen to worthy, in-balance people, while the rest, pretty much, get what they deserve.

Anvils fall on the heads of little children.

I cannot accept that little, innocent children are being met with justice of some kind when something horrible happens to them.

I also do not believe that the Kosmos is rewarding Oprah with an income of something over $100 million a year while allowing tiny children to starve. I do not see Oprah's life of extreme excess as laudable or healthy. I DO see Oprah as an instance of ego engorgement; someone who allows herself to believe she is some kind of god because she selectively chooses New Age bits of philosophy that justify what she wants.

I believe that Randomness plays its part in cruel and in wonderful ways. Only when bad things happen to us can we strengthen our ability to have empathy for the troubles of others.

[chalip]

I have a great deal of trouble with that idea, too, Tom. My brother is very disturbed by my parents health challenges. He said the other day that it bothers him that two such good people have to deal with these things. Not to say that I wouldn't prefer that they were well, but I don't believe they have health challenges for some cosmic reason. Perhaps some might say that karma is at play... I don't know. I don't look for reasons when the reasons won't make a difference.

I don't know Oprah beyond her television persona. Maybe she has an enormous ego and maybe she thinks she is a God... then again, maybe she doesn't. I don't judge the presence or absence of someone's ego with respect to the amount of money they earn. Less well off people have egos the size of China, and wealthy people deserve the same level of compassion and loving-kindness that the poorest people deserve. As for Oprah's life of extreme excess, it is hard for me to get upset about her wealth. It's not Oprah's fault that she, movie stars, athletes, and other celebrities command enormous income levels while teachers (for example) don't earn nearly enough (in my opinion) for the job that they do. Our society as it stands allows for these vast distinctions. My only hope is that those who are wealthy give some away in service to others... but that doesn't absolve me of that responsibility... the responsibility to give... to share what I have.

Even New Age tidbits make me think sometimes... I certainly don't always agree with Oprah but that doesn't mean I can't listen with an open mind.

[Tom Armstrong]

My point about Oprah's income was that I don't believe that there can be some leveling-Kosmos that would do something as absurd-seeming as giving her a huge income while little children starved.

It was meant merely as an example of how "deep fulfillment" and "touched by joy" function rather curiously if it glorifies a single individual with bounty beyond belief while allowing others to suffer mightily.

I have difficulty with Oprah's ideas about entitlement to abundance -- as if others can replicate what she's done or who she is and then the gods/kosmos/spirit/gaia will rain wealth supreme on them, too. And then these others can enjoy bliss in the midst of the agony of others.

My mother is dying, slowly, but every day she is a little less there. She no longer knows what day or time it is. She sleeps sixteen hours a day and would wear the same thing every day if we didn't persuade her to wear different things. It is a rather peaceful walk in the direction of death, but it is unnerving, too, to know our lives can crumble. [It is curious. I cannot imagine anymore what her life experience is.]

I do think that you should be careful not to try to influence how your mother ought to feel about her circumstance. Instead, you should just be there to allow her to express whatever she does feel.

[Tuesday]

Oh I am very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I've found it quite scary and difficult when those nearest to me are ill, despite trying to stay grounded, strong and, well, non-attached.

Much strength and good thoughts for the road ahead.

[Julie]

I understand how you feel. My sister is recovering from breast cancer, and during her treatments, she was more worried about her hair, then the cancer. I too feel enslaved by my hair, it makes you wonder how as women and black women we got so far off track? Hair is not more important than your health, but I guess it is part of the image we present to the world as to who we are, without it we are naked. I will think good thoughts for you and your mother.

[mangadezi-jr]

This one hits pretty close to home. We just buried my wife's cousin up on Walpole Island. She just turned thirty, leaves two young children behind. Her mother had to raise her all alone (her dad also died at thirty) and now she'll be raising her children as well. I'm Buddhist (born in Thailand to a Thai mom) but I'm also Indian (Mohawk). I'm taking this very personally, taking this very hard, and I know that this is the problem, but I'm having a hard time with the fact that someone so loving, so spiritual, can be taken from us just like that. I'm not that spiritual-- the person down the road, he's a lump--why didn't either of us get sick? That's the kind of mindset I'm in right now-- solves nothing, I know, but I mourn the loss of this cousin, this sister, friend, mom, cousin, and mourn at the what could have beens. But she never lived her life like that, faced her own mortality with equanimity--so why is it so hard to follow her example?

[chalip]

Tom, I don't try to tell my mom how to feel... I just don't "want" her to be so depressed. It's not up to me, though, so I just have to be there and provide whatever support and enouragement that I can.

Tuesday, Julie... thanks for sharing your thoughts. Good thoughts are much appreciated.

On the hair thing, Julie... I just don't know. I'm amazed that we still talk about each other's hair in 2006. I'm amazed when people approach my daughter and talk about how "long and pretty" her hair is, as if hair can't be short and pretty. As a community, we have hair issues. Can't speak for how it got to this point... All I know is that these conversations are a source of some serious eye-rolling on my part. Love india aire for her song which I think is timely.

Oh, mangadezi-jr... We all grieve and try to make sense of it when people close to us die. Although as Buddhists, our dharma and practices tend to help us gain certain perspective into impermanence, we can still cry like babies at the loss of a loved one, and it is okay.