Daily Dharma

One may not be skilled in the habit of other's throughts but at least one can make this resolve: "I will be skilled in the habit of my own thoughts." This is how you should train yourself, and this is how it is done. A woman, a man or a youth fond of self-adornment, examining his reflection in a bright, clear mirror or a bowl of clear water might see a blemish or a pimple and try to remove it. And when he no longer sees it there, he is pleased and satisfied and thinks: "It is an advantage to be clean."

In the same way, one's introspection is most fruitful in good states when one thinks: "Am I usually greedy or hateful, overcome by sloth and torpor, with excited mind or filled with doubt or anger, or am I not? Do I usually live with soiled thoughts, or clean thoughts? With body passionate or not, sluggish or full of energy, uncontrolled or well controlled?"

If on self-examination one finds that he does live with these evil unprofitable states, then he must put forth extra desire, effort, endeavor, exertion, energy, awarenees and attention to abandon them.

And if on self-examination he finds that he does not live with the evil and unprofitable states, he should make an effort to establish those profitable states and further destroy the defilements.

[...from the April 20th entry in the Digital Buddha Vacana, a digital version of the book Buddha Vacana: Sacred Literature of Buddhism. I use the Palm OS version but it is available online and you can download it for other platforms.]

Starting Over

Have you ever disliked the way you've handled a situation? Have you ever looked back on moments, weeks, months, even years and asked yourself "Why, oh why didn't I do that differently?"

I've been reading a lot lately... nothing about Zen or Buddhism of late... I've been reading fiction. One book after another. I read several by Octavia Butler in a row... I was able to get my hands on a copy of Survivor, so I read that first then a few other favorites. I've started reading Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, and though I plan to return to it soon, I put it down to read a couple Star Trek Voyager books (don't laugh, poke fun or roll your eyes... in case you didn't know, Star Trek is cool).

I've been reading because I've started to attempt creative writing again. I read not just to enjoy a story, but to deconstruct it... to see how different writers move from point A to point B... to get a feel for plotting, setting, characterization and the like. I've also been reading because I've needed a mindless escape from the day-to-day. I haven't been happy with myself... with how I've been handling one of the latest life challenges. The details don't matter, but maybe some part of you can relate to my strategies for dealing with those details. Dostoyevsky understands. He summarized my approach in a single sentence:

What seemed to gratify him and flatter his self-love most was to play the ridiculous part of the injured husband, and to parade his woes with embellishments.

...from The Brothers Karamazov, an online version

I met with an old friend recently. The two of us along with a group of people we worked with on an HIV/AIDS prevention program went through an experience a few years back called Landmark Education. We met in a coffee house to catch up. She told me what was up for her and I told her about my dilemma. Her response?

You've become the object in someone else's sentence instead of being the subject of your own.

She was right.

I don't like myself much when I shift into the victim mentality but it happens from time to time. It's a mindset that the ego just loves. Not because you start to feel better while encased in this mentatlity... you don't. What happens is that you have something external on which to place all blame. So while you still feel terrible, at least you can wax poetic about whose fault it is because it certainly isn't your own.

I don't like that I come here and talk about the same struggles over and over again. Somehow I judge myself for my repeated patterns. I feel weak. I think I'm supposed to master each lesson in one take and I'm frustrated with myself when I find myself lapsing into the same old routines. Buddhist practice is about abandoning unprofitable states and cultivating profitable states. If I was a "real" Buddhist, a "real" practitioner, wouldn't I have gained some mastery by now?

Not lately. Because the only things I've taken refuge in of late are mini Dove bars and lemon-poppyseed scones. At least for these past few months, I've let stress consume me and I've dealt with it in habitual, unprofitable ways.

I'm having this inner dialog about Zen and discipline. Can my practice periods help me to gain control of the areas of my  life where I feel out of control? And I wonder... Maybe seeing practice as a vehicle that will make me different than I am... that will make me who I want to be in certain respects is the wrong approach. Maybe practice only results in insight, then we still have to get up every morning and actively decide what to do with that insight. Maybe this practice will never be that magic wand I want it to be.

But I know that not practicing doesn't work for me.

I started this blog to document my Intenstive Practice journey. You can see what a bumpy ride it has been. But here I am, beginning again. Starting now.

Help Wanted

If you're a member of the Buddhist Blogs webring and would like to help with ring management, please let me know... I'd like to recruit at least one person who would be willing to review and approve sites. If interested, shoot an e-mail to chalip at comcast dot net.

Where've You Been?

I haven't been living online lately. I've been taking a refresher course in C#  and I've started a writer's group with a couple of friends. We haven't met in the past few weeks because I've been spending my weekends coding and trying to remember everything I thought I knew about object-oriented programming. It's all a bit boring unless you're a nerd (or a wannabe nerd like me) and just into that sort of thing.

There's also quite a bit up for my family... my father continues to be in and out of the hospital. I'm happy to report that he is doing well now, but I'm worried about my mother. My mom is that kind of woman like the main character in Lackawana Blues... I think many of us in the African American community can relate the story to a relative... an aunt, a mother, a grandmother. Our community is full of strong matriarchs... giving women who do it all and make it look easy. My mother is having a lot of tests run over the next couple of weeks. If you chant and it's not an imposition, please chant for my mother. She takes a lot on her shoulders, she's under a great deal of stress and I'm concerned that she may be taking on some stress-related illness.

I haven't been reading blogs, which I miss. When this class ends in a couple of weeks, I hope to have time to reconnect with the bloggers I grew accustomed to reading frequently.

Thanks to everyone who left comments over the past few months... Again, I've lapsed into a lot of offline activity that leaves me little time to engage the blogosphere. I've left comments unanswered for a while and I apologize for the long delay...