Where Are We With HIV/AIDS?

There used to be a time when you couldn't turn on the television without hearing about it. I'm talking about HIV and AIDS. First, it was a quiet disease attacking (or so it seemed) a specific community... the community of gay men. As the disease reached out to more "mainstream" audiences, everyone started to get very concerned. AIDS became very real for our country when people who weren't "supposed" to get it started getting it. For a while, it was front page news. Everybody was talking about it. Everybody was concerned about research and development. What new superdrugs were being developed to attack what seemed un-attackable?

It spilled over from hospitals, clinics, hospices and research labs into theaters, exhibits, poems, and music. It hit popular culture square in the head and it didn't stop there. Prevention seemed a primary concern. Education about HIV/AIDS and how not to get it became paramount. Kids in schools across the country sniggered and elbowed each other as their red-faced teachers talked about safe sex. Some parents were outraged. Others were relieved.

Yesterday I saw an afternoon matinee of RENT with a group of girlfriends. I never had an opportunity to see it on stage, so I was really looking forward to it. I admit it, I like musicals. But I really didn't know what it was all about. I didn't know the storyline. A few weeks before the premiere, I started to get curious. I read a brief history on Wikipedia, and understood its ties to La Boheme. I listened to them talk about the upcoming movie on Mitch Albom, and I think (sorry Mitch if I'm misquoting or misrepresenting you) I remember Mitch saying something about Rent being yesterday's news... suggesting that it's heyday had passed.

As I sat in the theater, I thought that nothing could be further from the truth. I think we really need RENT today. We need to be reminded that there is still an AIDS epidemic. We need to be reminded that there are still human beings whose lives are touched then forever altered by this disease. We still need to work on removing the stigma associated with HIV/AIDS. There is still such a distinction between how we treat people with cancer and how we treat people with AIDS. There is still too much judgment, too little compassion. We need to be reminded that no matter what we are up against, we still need to love, to connect, to have a little help from our friends.

I loved the characters in this story. I think I loved Angel the most because she was glam, fun, happy compassionate, giving and downright lovable despite everything she was going through. I loved her relationship with Collins. I also loved Collins because he was played by Jesse L. Martin who I have had a serious crush on since he played Dr. Greg on Ally McBeal. I loved that the gay and lesbian people in this movie got to be gay and lesbian people... characters with depth and dimension, not the stereotypical caricatures we often see.

I need to ask a question. Is it just me, or are we less concerned about HIV/AIDS today than we were 10 or 20 years ago? Is it just me, or has this issue quietly receeded into the background? There is still plenty of room for concern. What it feels like to me is that there is a lack of engagement with the issue, and that lack of engagement is hurting people.

I used to be pretty active with an HIV/AIDS prevention program in Detroit. Seeing RENT reminds me that there is still work to do for those who will do it.

The Gift of a Year

So, today's my birthday. My beautiful daughter has been doting on me. It started with breakfast in bed (Honey Nut Cheerios... her specialty). She's drawn me a giant picture of characters from Sponge Bob Square Pants, and we're playing board games. Later, I'll hit the movies with the girls... we'll see RENT and hopefully I'll get to do a little book shopping. My favorite author recently published her first book in around seven years and I can't wait to read it.

I'm blessed. I have a beautiful child, good friends, my family, a great sangha, and all of the wonderful people out here in the blogosphere who make me laugh, teach me, inspire me, and challenge me. Just wanted to say a quick "thank you" to everyone who hangs with me in this online medium. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.

Making the Impermanent Permanent

Browsing the Buddhism News Feed, I came across this article that caught my eye. It contains one Relgion reporter's reflections about a recent visit to the Body Worlds exhibit in Philly. I guess I'm just late or out of touch because I hadn't heard of the exhibit or the plastination process that makes it possible. Says Weiss:

This will be old news for some of you, I’m sure. The exhibit has been around in one form or another for about 10 years. It’s the creation of German anatomist Gunther von Hagens, who figured out how to “plasticinate” dead bodies. What he has done is take 200 donated human corpses and preserve them with his technique in a way that leaves the tissues intact but with every cell completely sheathed in plastic. Muscles look a bit like beef jerky. Organs are more pallid than their fresh counterparts, but retain the exact shape and size they did in life.

The original exhibit can be seen in Philly until April 23, 2006 at the Franklin Institute Science Museum. Version 2 is showing in Toronto through February 6, 2006 at the Ontario Science Center.

Daily Dharma

Great Faith might come upon someone suddenly, but generally it grows with practice. At the beginning, it is more like a belief and we feel rather separate from it. But as we continue, we see some changes in ourselves, we stop grasping so much at details, we open to possibilities, and peace and clarity become more familiar. We see ourselves better, we start to have faith in ourselves and the Zen practice.

[...from Thorson's Principles of Zen by Martine Batchelor pg. 13]

Zen Advice, Great Faith, and the Point of Practice

I returned to the temple a couple of weeks ago after at least a six week hiatus. I walked in frazzled... overcome with life in general and annoyed. I spent those weeks looking forward to Wednesday night television (ANTM, LOST, and Invasion), and Friday night dates.

I was starting to accept the fact that the dating part was over... struggling with the fact that even the possibility of friendship seemed absent, wondering why and trying not to worry about it. I was starting to accept the fact that I was responsible for my problems at work (at least in part... I'm trying to eat all blame but it's been a challenge because my ego-mind is putting up a huge fight). I was ready to get on with my practice.

One of the dharma students asked, "Where've you been?"

"Caught up in a bunch of stuff," I replied.

I don't remember the exact words, but we started talking about the futility of allowing ourselves to get caught up in a bunch of stuff. Then we started talking about practice. This was where the zen advice came in...

"Just try being aware of your awareness," he said.

He talked about how he never felt like he was "doing anything" in meditation until he started to practice being aware of his awareness... He described it a bit... Again, I don't remember the exact words but his suggestions sounded a lot like Insight Meditation to me... turning on the watching mind... the detached mind that notices and names what's going on without getting involved with it... sounded like good medicine.

I've started practicing again and I'm noticing why I practice when I practice. I typically practice in response to something...

• I'm stressed out...
• I'm angry...
• I'm heartbroken...
• i'm lonely...
• I'm sad...
• I'm obsessing...
• I'm annoyed...
• I'm stuck in unforgiveness...

Something triggers in me a desire to address my "problem" and I practice. I practice because I want to pull the arrow out, whatever it is.

Last Sunday after I took Ksanti to see the latest Harry Potter movie, we went to a local Panera for lunch. I sat and wrote the Metta Sutra in my journal a couple of times, then read through some past entries. I flipped through some notes I took from Martine Batchelor's Principles of Zen.

In the book, she talkes about the Three Attitudes: Great Faith, Great Courage, and Great Questioning. Reading through these notes, I started to look at my approach to practice and feel a bit like a punk...

"Where is my Great Faith," I asked myself.

Zen, I acknowledged, was something I was doing when life wasn't giving me what I wanted. I was taking Zen like other people take pills... my approach to practice was a form of craving... grasping for something else. What a lightbulb... It explained everything... It explained why it has been so hard for me to sustain Intensive Practice... Deep down, I didn't think there was any need if things were going my way... If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I've  been reading Brad's blog... I few posts ago, he talked about a sitting out there in Santa Monica (where I'm willing to bet there's no snow on the ground):

Some guy asked about techniques. He'd been trained in some other forms of meditation that emphasized learning lots of techniques for calming the mind and so on. Zen, on the other hand, is real bare bones. There is very little technique involved at all. The thing is, though, that all the techniques you might master are based on the idea that the state you're aiming to achieve is better than the one you have. Zen is based on facing what your state is right now, getting right to the bottom of THIS right HERE. The thing is that all of your problems are based on preference, on judging one thing as better than another thing.

There is a difference between facing what your state is and trying to change it. Perhaps while facing what my state is, I can acknowledge the desire to change it without trying to change it. Perhaps when I sit, chant, journal, bow, or walk I can start with a remembrance that keeps me centered on the point of practice.

Not to wave a wand
Not to attain that "something else" I crave
Not to be anywhere but here
Not to avoid delusions or defilements
Not to transform or empower
But to find the courage to stay
With whatever is
Until it no longer is
I sit to sit
I chant to chant
I bow to bow

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Today was a quiet day.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm not really stuck in resistance right now. I'm just noticing how my approach to practice shifts... Sometimes I'm hot... ready to do it all. Sometimes I'm lukewarm... indifferent. Sometimes I'm cold... just don't feel like it. Right now, I'm motivated.

What troubled me most today

Today, just general nervousness about this industry I serve. The news from GM is just bleak, and so many of us who work for automotive companies are bracing for the impact. We're all wondering (even if we work for relatively stable companies) if our jobs are secure.

What made me happy today

Is it a bad sign when I pause after reading this prompt? There are plenty of things to be happy about... the rent is paid, I can pull air into my lungs, I don't have a cold, the flu, or any other sickness to contend with. My family is safe and well.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Not much idle chit chat today... a little e-mail banter with friends about the train wreck of a Pistons game this weekend, a fashion magazine I knew nothing about, and scrooge-like feelings about the commercialism of the Christmas season. 

Particular resistance(s) to my practicer

I'm lazy. There it is... I said it. I acknowledge it. I'm a lazy American. I can think of at least a million things I would rather do than prostrations... like turning over for a dream I just might remember, or just getting in some extra sleep. This morning, I set those things aside and did my prostrations  anyway... all 108. My legs, once again, feel like Jell-O but it's okay.

What troubled me most today

I don't know. Maybe I should be troubled by the fact that I'm not really troubled about anything. Maybe that means that I'm not in tune with the world... there are plenty of things to be troubled about, aren't there?

What made me happy today

Getting up and practicing made me happy. Hugging my daughter made me happy.

Always Ripe for Change

A couple of weeks ago I posted this inquiry. I wanted to know what others had to say about the nature of change and our ability to affect change in the world. I wanted someone to tell me how to be a Bodhisattva without feeling like a dictator or some egotistic authoritative person who "knows" what's best for people and tries to get them to live in line with that. Being that kind of person feels foriegn and strange to me for a lot of reasons. Mostly because I've tried it before and it didn't work.

I'm still trying to figure out how to carry the dharma into my daily life with consistency. I'm still trying to figure out how to bring my meditation off the cushion. Who am I to say what other people need to do when it is all I can do to stumble through my own attempts at right action? I've also been of the opinion that such attempts to consciously sway a person... to get them to do a certain thing or be a certain way... are often futile.

Wise people chimed in. They stated far better than I could the heart of my question and they gave me lots of food for thought.

Well, certainly trying to consciously sway a person to do something or be a certain way can be futile. We all have free will. That person has to be willing to come along for the ride. Here's an example... I want my brother to stop smoking. The reasons are obvious. I'm concerned for his health. I could spend a lot of time gathering books, materials, documentaries, studies, nicotine patches... I could ride him with the information like a man rides a horse. I could be dedicated. I could never let up. Would it make a difference? Tom made a point that spoke to this kind of effort. Tom says:

We change our entrenched habits when we are ripe for change. We overthrow our universe of thinking always for one reason [with respect to spirituality], because the ego-hold on us has lessened such that we've reached a tipping point where our old way of fitting in no longer feels right.

We can encourage and provide means such that people can exercise their muscles of compassion and wisdom. And then, we should stand back.

It's the "standing back" that I think we all have trouble with from time to time. Often, we don't see the strength and resolve in standing back. Especially if we have the activist's spirit. We think it is passive. We think we are giving up the fight. The opposite is really true. When you encourage. when you provide means... you are giving someone a hammer they can use to drive in (or pull out) that nail they are struggling with. You give them the tool, then you give them the space and the time to use it.

Nacho suggests that we (and everyone and everything) are always ripe for change because change is reality... it's not just part of reality:

[W]e always need to be one with change. Change (impermanence) is what constitutes us, what constitutes the world in every moment.

He, Zatoad, and Gareth also suggest in their own ways that while our more conscious efforts to affect change are one way to attemept to save the world, there are other ways.

I think Zatoad really clarified what I was thinking when I wrote the initial post when he said:

it really always comes down to the fact that we can only work on our own ignorance and development. Hopefully, if we are shining light on our own ignorance, we are also, slowly pulling a few other people along for the ride.

However clumsily, that's the point I was trying to make. What I seemed to forget was the point Gareth made:

I have seen people, including myself, change by merely being in the presence of a Dharma practioner.

Change is something that occurs with or without our help, I think the best thing we can do is take care of ourselves for now.

Nacho sort of "brings it home" when he says:

We work on our ignorance always as a result of being-in-the-world with others, in a symbiotic relationship.

The world is always ripe for change. The world is always responding to who we are and what we are doing. And so are people and everything else in the world. This is what Thich Nhat Hanh's word Interbeing is pointing to. Everything exists because of everything else. As subtle changes happen in one person, subtle changes happen everywhere. This may be hard to quantify. Everyone may not cause the global impact that Buddha, Ghandi, or Martin Luther King, Jr. did in the world... but everyone can have the same impact right where they live.

We do this by being steadfast dharma practitioners. Being steadfast dharma practitioners means that we do what is required moment to moment. That is th lesson of the Bodhicaryavatara (Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life). Like Will says:

We find ourselves called upon to respond to the unending sufferings of the world, and it is good to heed this call in one way or another; yet at the same time without the delusion that we can ourselves bring about the end of these sufferings.

I think if we set aside our egos... the parts of ourselves that think we know everything... and put forth our best effort in the face of everything... we are doing our part.

Pulling the Arrow Out

When I get caught up in things, I go for the Metta Sutra. It works like windshield wipers (or that new Bissell spot cleaner) on my mind. All you have to do is turn it on, let it cycle through the verses, and let them penetrate your heart.

P'arang writes about this in a great book called Tap Dancing in Zen, which I am reading now. On pages 6-7 she quotes Tsering Everest:

When someone makes you angry, it is as if they shot an arrow at your heart. It doesn't hit you but lands right at your foot. Then you pick up the arrow and stab yourself with it over and over again. That's what happens. Anything in life can be the cause of getting upset, but the choice to be upset or not is our own.

[...from Buddhism Through American Women's Eyes]

A really sweet person named Gina left a comment on my last post on forgiveness about being "sulky and passive agressive" at work. I read that and thought... "Really? You too, huh?". Reading this quote in P'arang's book last weekend really shed light on my own sulky, passive agressive behavior. Then, I got hit in the head again by last week's dharma talk at Still Point.

Koho told the story of Marpa and Milarepa. I'll try to give an abbreviated version...

Milarepa wanted a teacher. He went to Marpa the translator, and asked him if he could be Marpa's student. Marpa said yes... on one condition. Milarepa had to build a tower. Not just any tower... he had to build one to Marpa's exact specifications in a precise location. Milarepa went to work. He started by making the bricks and materials, then moved into the construction phase until finally the tower was complete. Marpa took one look at the tower and told him to tear it down. Apparently Milarepa was off a few inches. He tore down the tower and started again.

Well, this went on several times. You can imaging the painstaking, back-breaking work Milarepa put into this task. You can imagine the time he spent. You can imaging his frustration mounting each time he was told to build the tower again. It came to a point when Milarepa just didn't care about being Marpa's student anymore. He decided to put his whole heart... his very being into the process of building this tower and didn't care if Marpa approved of it or not. As you can guess, Marpa accepted him as a student after the final tower was built.

I can see this story playing out in so many ways... not only in my life but in the lives of my friends. I think this story, at the heart, is about giving up all need for thanks and praise. It is about giving our best effort no matter what. Because who or what is it that really wants, needs or expects that thank you? It is not our hearts. So I turn to the Heart Sutra again and again until what I know in my head penetrates my heart.

The Metta Sutra (Sutra on Loving-Kindness)

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace;
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: in gladness and in safety,
May all living beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born—
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state,
Let none through anger or ill will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life,
Her child, her only child
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings;
Radiating kindness over the entire world:
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outward and Unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill will,
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.