Hate the Game

I stepped away from relationships, dating, sex, all of it... for a long time. I was tired of the same old same old... Tired of navigating the strange waters that are modern relationships... Tired of all the dishonesty and inauthenticity that's out there... Instead I dove into my practice. I stopped missing the sex so much. But I missed the affection. I missed the friendship of a lover. I missed all the little things you get used to when you have someone special in your life.

I learned these past few weeks as I've ventured back into the dating game that I've been holding on so tightly to the past. I ran into someone that I felt so incomplete about for so long... I had a "the one who got away" fantasy going and I thought there was an opening there for something great. As it turns out, it was all in my head. I was faced with the first line in the Still Point Dhammapada:

Our minds create everything.

Did you ever wake up one morning and realize you were living entirely in your head? Have you ever had a relationship that stopped as quickly as it started? None of this is unusual. Sometimes things just don't work out. Often you meet someone and learn that you are drastically incompatible. I think I'm learning that what's most important is who you are being in the process. Are you clinging to the idea of a relationship so hard that you don't see that what you long for does not exist with this person sitting in front of you? I've been there. I didn't really go there this time.

But I did accomplish some things...

1. I looked at all the ways I was clinging to the past and all the ideas that I had about this person and I let all those illusions go.
2. I took a risk and I opened my heart to a possibility... always reminding myself that a relationship is never really more than that in the beginning. Nothing is set in stone, fixed, cemented... it's all very malleable... likely to change.
3. I noticed it when I was craving... clinging... wanting the phone to ring... wanting a certain outcome. I realized I was caught in a loop and I let it just fall away. I accepted that this "is what it is..." and is not meant to go anywhere... and I went for closure.

There is just one place where I've been stuck. I'm annoyed when people tell me what they think I want to hear. You don't really have to say, "I want to see you tomorrow," if you don't really mean it. Personally, I would prefer to hear, "This is just not working out." But as it stands I've been dealing with a guy who would rather fade silently into the background rather than have that conversation. It took me a couple days of deep judgement before I could get over it. It really doesn't mean as much about this guy as it shows how fearful we can be of honest communication. Nevertheless, I can still look at him with some compassion. It's like that quote that pop culture has given us... Don't hate the playa, hate the game.