When You Break a Precept

A few nights ago, my daughter and I were reading in my room before bedtime. Sprawled out across the bed, we hunched over Book 4 and took turns reading about the trials of one young Harry Potter. My daughter paused in her reading...

"Mom," she questioned tentatively.

She pointed to a small bug crawling across my headboard. I had seen one of them in the apartment over the past two days. It seemed to take up permanent residence in my bathroom, and scuttled under the bathroom scale when I turned on the light. I was content to let it hang out in there, and didn't disturb it. But this one... on my bed in the middle of the night?! I scooped up this little bug and flushed it down the toilet.

In that instant, watching it swirl around the bowl, it hit me. I just killed a living being.

It bothered me... this rash reaction... this irrational fear. It reminded me of my childhood summers in Mississippi visiting my grandmother. It wasn't uncommon to see large country roaches running for cover when you switched on the bathroom light in the middle of the night. I remember waking up one night to the sound of a flying roach thumping against the ceiling above my bed. I was maybe six years old and it was as big as my two thumbs. I can't explain the reaction, but since childhood I've been very passive towards insects during the day and strangely startled by them at night.

The next day provided some space to look more closely at the issue. My daughter found another little traveller in her bathroom. I could look at it and sense what I was feeling... not so much fear but aversion, inconvenience, dislike. But this time I scooped the critter into a paper towel and shook it outside on our balcony.

This feels like a really silly story... I'm sitting here blogging about pest control. But for me it points to a larger issue. What do you do when you break a precept?

As Buddhists, and especially as new practitioners, I find that we are so hard on ourselves. I'm certainly guilty of beating myself up on occasion. A few days ago I read a post by a new member of the Buddhist Blogs webring who was concerned that his interest in completing a family geneology was an unhealthy sort of craving. We expect that we will always "get it right." We are often on the lookout for ways we are "doing it wrong." We think we know how to judge ourselves in these areas, but we might be better off just accepting that we aren't perfect and we don't always know or do what we think the "right thing" is in the moment.

On the other hand, I think in all cases when you break a precept, it is because you allowed yourself to slip into a mindless state. Instead of an occasion to judge and reprimand yourself, it can become a great opportunity... an opportunity to learn, to grow in mindfulness, to uncover patterns and to challenge and change them. This goes back to that age old discussion... Are precepts commandments? Will you find yourself racking up loads of bad karma or somehow land yourself in the worst of all of the hell realms every time you break one? I don't know. What I currently understand of precepts practice is that it is a process... a goal. We might fall short of the goal (total mindfulness) but we can look at our lapses and learn from them.

Comments

[Mermaid]

The new layout is beautiful!

I have the same reactions, except mine are mainly with mosquitos, which are such a menace around my place.

[chalip]

Thanks Mermaid. Yeah, I agree mosquitos are a challenge. I have rather peaceful feelings towards them when they are anywhere outside my presence. They try to maime me and I'm just not as peaceful. I'd like to be... I think I should be... it's a process.

[Gina]

I like your blog. My experience with coming to Buddhusim is similar.. It took me years to be able to say "I'm a Buddhist!" But I'm much better now.

[chalip]

Thanks Gina, and welcome.

[haikupoet]

very insightful--"when we break a precept it is because we fall into a mindless state." i agree. how hard it is to be mindful all the time though. it is a process and we shouldn't judge ourselves. great blog. i just discovered it and you've earned a place in my bookmarks.

[chalip]

Thanks haikupoet. I agree with what you say about moving into mindfulness as a process. There is a book out there called Stumbling Toward Enlightenment, and I really think that is what we (especially as new practitioners) tend to do.