On Being Glad at Heart

I've been missing the Sangha. Car trouble has prevented me from venturing out too far, and I haven't heard a dharma talk in weeks. I just noticed that the Father's Day message has been posted on the Still Point website.

As a single parent, I shift between the archetypal (some might say traditional, "old fashioned" or stereotypical "gender") roles of father and mother... strong disciplinarian, provider, nurturer, educator... it runs the gamut. And I could relate to everything said about parenthood from a father's perspective. The talk was based on the Sabbasava Sutra:

It took me a while to find a sutra aimed at fathers but, thank Buddha, there is one. Its official title is The Getting Rid of Cares and Troubles Sutra. To be the fathers we want to be we need to do just that, get rid of cares and troubles. Here are the seven behaviors the Buddha offered up to show us how to do it. They are:

1. Getting rid of cares and troubles through insight;
2. Getting rid of them by restraint;
3. Only using things they were designed for;
4. Endurance;
5. Avoidance of things that can harm us;
6. Dispersal of negative thinking; and
7. Heedfulness.

As a parent, the focus seems to often be on getting rid of the cares and troubles of your children... tending to them when they are sick... and guiding them so they don't become too consumed by their cares (be they desires for things or too many things, desires to do things that are unskillful, desires to hold on to unskillful habits or emotions) and instead learn to maintain a healthy balance. To begin, we must learn to be skillful with our own cares and troubles. Next in the Dharma talk came a great teaching on developing presence of mind:

Getting rid of cares and troubles through insight is about letting go of trains of thought that don’t do us any good. Buddha offered a specific listing:

1. Did I exist in the past?
2. Did I not exist in the past?
3. What was I in the past?
4. Shall I exist in the future?
5. What shall I be in the future?
6. How shall I be in the future?
7. Am I?
8. Am I not?
9. What am I?
10. How am I?

You get the picture. The instructions are clear: stop the questioning. You are missing your life.

How often do we find ourselves preoccupied in the presence of our kids? We work all day and bring work home... either physical/actual work or the emotional and stressful burdens of work. Sometimes we take in too much... news, television, time on the phone with friends, time wrapped up in our own pursuits... so that we have nothing left for them.

This summer for me has become about finding some balance here. Turning off the television. Spending time reading, taking walks together, playing board games, and just enjoying the company of my daughter... taking back the time I spent worrying about what's coming next and just sinking into now. Being at home when I'm at home.

The dharma talk goes on to expound further on each of the seven things we can do to get rid of cares and troubles. Read it if you are so inclined. I was particularly moved by the final words:

Can we do all these things? Of course. All the time? Nope. Here’s the secret punchline to the sutra. Even trying, just doing our best, makes us "glad at heart." Buddha promised. Smack in the middle of that "glad at heart" is a wonderful parent.

Comments

[Nacho]

Chalip: Thanks for this great post. I needed those words. I think I have learned more about the dharma and about life through parenting than through anything else. But I've also recognized what a challenge it is, and how totally consuming and absorbing good loving parenting can be. Heedfulness resonates with me, and the dispersal of negative thinking is a challenge when one is constantly worried about the kids, no? Both wonderful things to practice. Thanks again!

N

[chalip]

Hello Nacho. You will find no disagreement with me... parenting teaches me so many things I would never have learned otherwise... and being a parent does add its unique challenges to practice. And yet it also adds its unique joys. We are blessed.