A Year in the Sangha

We've had a whirlwind of activity at Still Point this month... a precepts ceremony for children, Buddha's birthday, an ordination ceremony for two Dharma students. This time last year, I took vows for the first time. I had a sangha for the first time. I started to learn about the rich, colorful tradition of Korean Zen.

What difference has it made... this year in the Sangha? I'm starting to learn to be less studious and more experiential with my practice. I've always been a reader, a student. I've always thought the way to get to know something was to study it... and this year I mostly approached my Zen practice in this way. When something troubled me, I looked for wisdom in books. I looked for Dharma.

Until I started Intensive Practice, I didn't understand the beauty or simplicity of practice. I've always thought that everything needed to be complicated, that things are only resolved through strenuous effort... hard work. In Intensive Practice, I started to touch the beauty of "just sit" and of "don't know." I didn't sustain consistent involvement in the program for more than a couple of months, but those were valuable months.

I've dealt with a great deal of resistance and a mountain of stress this past year. I did not hold on to my practice to the degree that I could have to get through the difficult moments. I don't know why.

Developing consistency in practice has been hard... maybe because I've tried to intellectualize my practice instead of just doing it. Maybe because I expected to make big strides without first making small steps. In order to sit mindfully for 30 minutes, you first have to sit mindfully for one minute, then five, then ten. Mostly, I think I tried to do more than I was prepared to do before I was prepared to do it.

I'm noticing a shift in my focus. I can see that this past year I've mostly wanted to just be a good student... to have a good Practice Report Card. Now, it is time to train in the preliminaries without worrying about whether or not I'm good at it, if I'm doing enough... without expecting anything to change because of it, especially things I don't always like about myself.