Time Spent in Idle Chit Chat
I spent a little time on e-mail banter with one of my line sisters. We talked about work, about life. I confessed my loneliness. I've been without relationship or prospects for almost six months. At the dawn of the new year, I felt empowered by this independence. Lately, I've felt a longing for connection. It doesn't necessarily need to be sex. I've had enough experience with the loneliness sexual encounters can engender... (Jeff over at ZenDiary.org talked about it in a recent entry that I really appreciated). But can a sista get a hug? I know I've been guarded. I haven't gone looking for relationship. I have some walls up since my last encounter. I've also felt that a relationship would likely get in the way of my practice right now. But I know what brought this all on. A guy flirted with me in the grocery store last weekend. We've had conversations before. There was something in his eyes that was just plain sexy. Ever since that look, those eyes, I've been tripping out about the fact that I am alone. I tried to brush it off and make jokes about it via e-mail today, but in the moment this is making my monkey-mind go wild.
Particular Resistance(s) to my Practice
I have not wanted to do prostrations. When I'm "off it" with my practice, I know doing prostrations is the key to getting back on. For some reason I just don't feel like it. I can't put my finger on what it is. It's not the physical nature of the bows... I've been in that space before, where I was physically overwhelmed doing them. This is something else. I'm avoiding something.
I've been on a high horse about work. I need to just admit that. I'm in deep judgement. My ego doesn't want to take the high road. It's much easier for my ego to point fingers at someone else's lack of integrity than to deal with my own.
What else is there?
I can't put my finger on anything else in the moment.
What Troubled Me Most Today
Nothing's coming up for today. I'm still stuck on what troubled me most a couple of days ago. A family member expressed that they'd be glad when Terri Schiavo kicked the bucket. They were tired of all the fuss.
When personal events spur a media frenzy, all most of us see are the cameras, the reporters, the pundits, the editorials. Perhaps we feel inconvenienced or overwhelmed by the amout of time that is spent on the issue. We might see pictures of the real people, but I think sometimes we forget that there are real, feeling, suffering people involved.
Listening to Mitch Albom riding home from work yesterday, I thought he made some poignant comments about the Terry issue. People all over the country are making end-of-life decisions for family members. Husbands and wives all over the country are entrusted by culture and by law with the responsibility for those decisions. At the heart of the Schiavo matter was (and is) a family divide. If everyone agreed on the course of action, or if Terry's wishes were documented and notorized, we wouldn't know who she was. But we do. Her husband has been demonized. The polarization in the family has extended to the nation. It really bugged me the lack of compassion expressed by my family member. "These are real people with real concerns. She's a real person with a real life." I thought.
May she rest in peace.
What Made Me Happy Today
I rush all the time. Sometimes I feel that my week has been one long day. Today, I just ate when I was eating. I went to one of my favorite Italian spots. I brought the most recent copy of Buddhadharma in with me, intending to multi-task (read and eat). I put the magazine down and tried to practice mindful eating. I can't say that I completely slowed down, but when I allow myself to focus (rather than divide) my attention, I do feel different. Strangely, it made me happy to just sit there and chew my food without watching a clock or a television. Just enjoying a meal.