Taking Refuge

I'm dealing with a difficult situation at work. I have a supervisor who (among other things):

• Creates a hostile environment for her employees to work in
• Wants to be my friend, and provides me with better job incentives/more interesting challenging work when I'm being her friend
• Can't manage a project to save her life (too technical for too long to manage anyone)
• Expects employees to "respect" her, though her actions don't engender respect
• Talks about her employees behind their backs to other employees... criticizing them and their work
• Can't work a full 8-hour day to save her life
• Frustrates our customers
• Can't communicate effectively

The situation has been uncomfortable for me since she joined the company a year ago. My strategy has been to simply work around her... to find ways to support our customers without threatening her position... to tolerate her desire for frienship though I really don't want to make nice with my supervisors... to remind myself that she means well, and that she is doing the best she can... to remind myself that some people just don't care how their behavior affects others (especially their subordinates). My strategy worked pretty well until about a month ago.

My frustration has been mounting. I realize that I can no longer work around her, and I need to talk to her supervisor about what's going on. This week was the straw that broke the camel's back. She accused me of trying to sabotage our project and blocked my access to manage our application... a system that I've been managing on my own for the past six months.

Wednesday, I was so stressed I went to my temple for the lunch sitting. I got there at around 12:30 PM and found the sitting room empty. One of my dharma brothers was there, and invited me in to sit. Afterwards I talked about it with my teacher for awhile. She fed me soup and listened to my story.

"What would you tell me if I came to you with the same situation," she asked.

"I would say, 'Do your Practice'," I said. "For the past month I haven't been doing anything..."

"So you don't even have your practice to lean into," she asked.

I shook my head, no.

"You know, when I was working for corporate America, I taught myself how to move into slow motion. I found if I could just slow things down, I could create the space I needed to navigate through the difficult times," she said.

I'll have to try that.

I have let my job get in the way of everything. I don't rest well at night. I've stopped intensive practice alltogether. Sometimes I skip meals because I'm too stressed to eat. When I couldn't take it anymore, it was time to take refuge.

If nothing else, zen practice allows you to meet life's challenges from a place of calm. But you have to do it. For the past few days I've been listening to/chanting the Great Dharani, chanting the Three Refuges, and sitting. I'm still wound up about my job (and I think I will be until I have a chance to talk to my supervisor's supervisor and get some resolution). But doing my practice centers me, lowers my blood pressure, decreases my stress, and gives me peace.