Time spent in idle chit chat
Today, not so much. A little banter back and forth with a co-worker... We do it to cope with the climate at work, but nothing changes.
Particular resistance(s) to my practice
My life is totally disorganized right now. The house is disorganized. I seem to wait until the last minute to get critical things done. Right now, I should have a load of laundry going while I write. I'm getting up to load the washing machine now.
Well, that's done... but there is so much more to do. I have three baskets of clean clothes in the laundry room that need to be folded and put away. I have a room full of papers (junk mail, my daughter's school work, holiday shopping magazines, etc.) that need to be processed, organized or thrown away. I have so much packing to do! Next week, I pick up the keys for our new apartment. I will be moving the week before Christmas, and I haven't started to get anything organized.
This is not Zen. Zen is orderly. Zen is disciplined. Zen requires doing all the little mundane things that need to be done with mindful attention.
I cannot sit in my room right now. There is too much clutter. It prevents me from sticking to my schedule. I haven't been meditating lately. Instead, I've been thinking about Mu [무]. Not practicing with it... trying to intellectualize it. I see what I'm doing when I'm doing it, and I know it is futile. I do it anyway. This is the part of starting Koan practice that worried me. I think I can beat the dealer. I think I can outsmart these crazy questions. Consciously, I know how ridiculous it is to think these thoughts. Unconsciously, I believe I am "smart enough" to crack open koans with the power of my intellect.
So, in a nutshell... ego, disorganization and procrastination are the resistances I'm dealing with. (Besides the fact I have a mad crush on someone right now).
I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about the possibility of him. It is such a reach—to think that anything would ever develop between us—but I can't stop thinking about it.
What troubled me most today
I mentioned before that the climate is difficult. I work on what is currently a three person team. The other two people on my team don't get along and don't like each other. One is a co-worker, the other our supervisor... it gets really difficult to maintain neutrality sometimes. I take issue with both of them. Like everyone else, they both have issues they could work on. Instead, they each spend a lot of time talking about each other. I participate on both sides (even if my participation means simply listening to my boss criticize my co-worker) while I shouldn't be on either side. Today I felt like I was facing a firing squad. The supervisor started asking 20 questions about why my co-worker hasn't finished a critical deliverable. I told the truth, but I'm not happy with myself. I unintentionally stabbed a friend in the back. I should've minded my own business. I should've been strong enough to stay out of the middle of a mess. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do in the moment. I am brilliant at thinking up flippant come-back lines a day or two after the fact. Today, I just folded... I gave up the goods... I felt like a rat. This is what happens when I don't practice... my mindfulness is weak and I screw up.
What made me happy today
Writing this journal entry makes me happy. The fact that I "got off it" and returned a phone call I was hesitant to return and do what I said I would do made me happy. Restoring the kitchen to order made me happy. Now I just have to tackle what's left so I can clear some space for my practice.