Daily Dharma

Hungry ghosts are traditionally depicted as gray, emaciated beings with gross, sagging bellies and long, constricted necks. They have huge, staring eyes, tiny pinprick mouths; and their overall experience is one of unfulfilled longing. Whatever food they manage to get into their mouths right away turns to excrement, ash or fire. Aching with thirst, when they approach the water that flows through their world it recedes from them. The meager fruit that grows on the spindly trees is almost always out of reach, and when they do manage to pluck and eat one it turns to swords and daggers in their bellies. Hungry ghosts can never get enough.

We ourselves become hungry ghosts when:

• We buy things, not because we need them, or because we'll need them later and the price is reduced, but just because we want to buy something, anything almost.
• We try to control our spending but splurge on luxuries almost against our own wishes.
• We're suddenly obsessed with having a new bathroom, or a new car (even though our current one is still running fine), or another dinner service, or an obscure kitchen gadget we saw advertised once, and we can't rest and can't think of anything else until we get it.
• We become preoccupied with our savings, checking the balance every week, not giving or spending more than we absolutely have to, piling up money purely for its own sake.

...from Chapter 1, The Six Worlds in Mindfullness and Money: The Buddhist Path of Abundance by Kulananda and Dominic Houlder, pages 30-31

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

I haven't had more than 30 minutes of conversation today. I spent a quiet day at my desk at work, barely socializing. When I came home, I spent a little time doing arts and crafts with my daughter before fixing dinner, eating and retiring for study and journal writing.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm dealing with my resistances. I wrote earlier about my decision to shift the nature of a relationship I have had with someone on and off for over six years. After a month without communicating with someone that I've talked to frequently (at least weekly) for six years, I'm having withdrawl symptoms. I think the withdrawls come more from the fact that I've grown used to not being alone—then I remind myself how alone I've really been.

I'm reading one of those fad books on relationships... you've probably heard about it, or seen it on Oprah, or seen the Sex and the City episode that spawned it. The title says what I've tried not to acknowledge for the duration of our relationship. He's just not that into me.

Sometimes I think I need to bring completion to this... real closure. I guess what it comes down to is this—it is hard to practice when you don't feel complete with the people in your life. All that has been left unsaid stands between you and the cushion. All that needs to be said swims through your mind as you attempt to focus on the breath.

But I'm afraid of the closure. There is a part of me that doesn't really want to close that door... that wants to be comfortable with being uncomfortable so the relationship can go on without going through any changes. It's that Auden poem again... We would rather be ruined than changed...

What troubled me most today

I almost wrote that nothing troubled me today. It's interesting... if you keep asking yourself the question, something will come up. Here it is: I'm a shopaholic. I love buying books and software and yoga DVDs. I'm not much into clothes or going to the salon on a regular basis... I'm too low-maintenance in that way... not prissy at all... but when it comes to techie stuff, art supplies, books, music, movies... things of that nature... I just can't seem to put the credit card away.

I'm looking around my room at all my books. I must have over 1,000 books in here. I haven't ever considered counting them, but I should. I should also count the ones I haven't read (and the DVDs I will never watch again, and the stuff I bought that just sits here collecting dust because I really didn't need it in the first place). I should get out my calculator and start adding up the amount of money I've spent on books alone. It borders on ridiculous.

Today, I went to Border's after lunch. It wasn't enough just to look around, I had to find something to buy. First, I picked three books. I put two back. I looked for CDs. I didn't find the Ray Charles CD that I want. I looked through the Yoga DVDs. I picked two. I put them back. I went back to the Religion section and found some other books that I considered buying. I finally had to stop myself. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? I probably have over 100 books lying around that I haven't read yet. Why the need to consume more and more? Why does craving surface?

I think craving is a strategy we use to distract us from things that require our attention. We are stressed, so we eat too much that is bad for us. We regret it later. We are sad, lonely, depressed, or bored, so we buy something to lift our spirits. We regret it later.

My daughter and I are moving to a new apartment next month. I could really take this opportunity to do some clearing... giving away things that I don't use, don't want or don't need anymore. I could start reading some of the books that are collecting dust on my shelves. I could get back into the habit of buying and selling books... limiting the number of books I store and keep.

What made me happy today

Singing and dancing with my daughter made me happy today. We are about to watch a movie together, so I'm signing off.

Daily Dharma

Autobiography in Five Chapters

1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5

I walk down another street.

—Portia Nelson

...from Chapter 3, Reflection and Change in The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche, page 32

Overcoming Resistance

I have missed more Sunday Services in the past two months than I missed the entire year. For many months, I was up and there every Sunday morning, sitting at my teacher's feet, listening to Dharma talks, going deep with my practice, building to consistency. I've written previously about how everything stopped. Tonight I will write about waking up from resistance.

When I went to the Sunday morning service, I knew I needed the interview. If invited to ask a question, I knew what I would ask about—Resistance. How do you get over it? What strategies are there for breaking through it. Thankfully, I was able to ask. As always, I received good advice (paraphrased):

• Don't beat up on yourself about it
• When we practice, we are working to shift our habit patterns. It is hard work...
• Sometimes just five minutes is enough... Once you get yourself on the cushion, you will find that you want to sit longer
• Look for gaps in your day and sit when those gaps present themselves
• You might try setting up your cushion with the understanding that you can't put it away until you do your practice

I purposely didn't read the article I downloaded to my Palm OS device several months ago on the subject. I found this great teaching by Ezra Bayda, and I saved it to my handheld computer knowing that I would end up facing resistance at some point. So why didn't I read it? I think the quote Bayda references from Auden's poem says it all:

We would rather be ruined than changed.
We would rather die in our dread,
Than climb the cross of the moment
And watch our illusions die.
[...from the poem The Age of Anxiety by W.H. Auden (1948)]

I'm trying to make some significant changes in my life. This past month, I've bumped up against a few things that I know in my mind I need to change, but that mental inner-knowing has not yet found agreement with my heart. I was getting to a point in practice where I was seeing myself break through some things (letting go of a long-term relationship that doesn't meet my needs, letting go of judgements of certain co-workers that get in the way of doing my job, etc.) then I got stressed and tried to utilize my old coping strategies—I'm talking lowest-level Maslow—food and sex.

I could add a few bullet points to what my teacher said:

• Most of the time you know what's in the way... Fear, unwillingness to deal with something that seems magnified the deeper you go in your practice. Don't run from it
• Mindfully consider the following: The matter of birth-and-death is a grave one. Impermanence will be upon us too soon. Each of us should strive for Enlightenment with diligence. (I found this quote in a great article I read online earlier this evening by Ven. Samu Sunim).
• Read Bayda's teaching (or anyone else's teaching, for that matter) on Resistance, ignoring the fact that you really don't want to.
• If you can't do anything else on the Intensive Practice Schedule, journal on the second point of reflection (Particular resistance(s) to my practice) and sit for just five minutes.
• Print and post the following quote. Read it when you get stuck.

Do not expect to be free from illness. If you are free from physical illness, you may be easily given up to avarice. Do not expect to be free from difficulties while living in the world. If you are free from difficulties, you may be given up to arrogance and self-indulgence. Do not expect to have no obstacles in your Zen study. If you have no obstacles, your study may exceed your capacity. Do not expect to be free from hindrances in your training. If you are free from hindrances, your vows may weaken...

Therefore, Zen students should take suffering from illness for good medicine, misfortune and difficulties for a pleasant walk, obstacles for release, and hindrances for a Dharma-companion... So, if you stay steadfast with difficulties you will gain release. If you seek a release you will on the contrary run into difficulties. Tathagatas have all attained to the Way of Wisdom (Enlightenment) through difficulties and obstacles. [...from Essay on the King of Samadhi also quoted in the article referenced above by Ven. Samu Sunim]

This morning, I sat for the first time (before work) in several weeks. I celebrate every little victory.

Daily Dharma

Reflection at the Moment of Using

Properly considering
    alms food I use it:
Not playfully, not for
    intoxication,
Nor for fattening, nor
    for beautification,
Only for the continuation
    and nourishment
Of this body, for
    keeping it unharmed,
For helping with the
    brahmacariya
    (virtue),
(Thinking) I shall
    destroy old feeling
    (of hunger)
And not produce new
    feeling (of overeating, etc.)
Thus there will be for me
    freedom from
    (bodily) troubles
    and living at ease.

...from Chapter 4, The Anthropology of Place in Meeting Faith: The Forest Journals of a Black Buddhist Nun, page 82

Mindful Eating

In my last entry, I talked about how difficult October was, how often I succumbed to craving to get through the challenging moments.

Last night, one of the latest reality TV shows was on. My daughter is just fascinated by this one. It is called "The Biggest Loser." She prides herself on being thin. She openly talks about people who are fat. I try to explain that it is rude to do so, but she is seven years old. She is too young to hold her tongue. She is also not malicious about it, she is just talking about what she sees. It seems that media and culture have collided to give her the same views of the overweight and obese that many in America share. Fat people are ugly. Skinny people are beautiful. That is that.

Mindful eating is an appropriate topic for me to reflect on at this time of year... not even a week after Halloween. I spent the last week gourging myself with chocolate, Smarties, Snickers bars, mini Twix. Next there will be Thanksgiving and Christmas, and all the family gatherings and turkey and dressing and the cakes... pound cake, red velvet cake, cheesecake.

I used to eat one meal a day... period. Healthy food. Bean soups, sauteed vegetables, rice. I didn't feel deprived. I just did it. I'm trying to figure out when my relationship with food became so unstable. When did I start looking at what I ate as a source of anything more or less than nourishment. What is going on with me when all I can think about is eating something sweet?

These were the thoughts that started to swirl around in my head as I read Meeting Faith this morning. I used to be a vegetarian. This was long before I found Still Point, long before I took the precepts. But now, I haven't given changes to my diet any serious thought (except for the potential weight loss that could go with it, and even then...)

I need to spend some time really looking at this, consciously bringing mindfulness to my mealtime. I need to uncover every resistance I have to living the Reflection at the Moment of Using Faith talks about in her book.