Daily Dharma

A person's joys
are always transient,
and since we tend
to devote ourselves
to pleasure,
our seeking after happines,
leads us to
repeated birth and decay.

People controlled by craving
become terrified,
rabbits caught in snares.
A person
who wants peace
needs to eradicate craving.

...from Chapter 24, Craving in The Still Point Dhammapada, page 172

Cutting out Craving

This month has been extremely stressful. Work, home... I haven't found refuge in either place. I haven't sought refuge where I know it lies. I lost my rhythm with my practice, and everything stopped this month. I stopped morning practice. I stopped evening practice. I haven't been to the temple for two weeks. I feel drained.

The last Dharma talk I heard at Still Point was delivered by P'arang after the morning sittings. She spoke about the chapter on Craving in the Dhammapada... Ellen cutting out morning coffee, and her own cravings for books and baked goods.

Listening to P'arang, I started to look at my own cravings. That day, I thought about how I crave sweets, sleeping longer than I should, books. I thought about patterns... how I'm okay if I don't have sex for a few weeks then I'm not okay if weeks turn into months. I thought about craving, but I wasn't really thinking in terms of cutting out my craving. I mean, it sounded good... but it sounded hard. I'd been doing a lot that was hard lately... waking up at 5:00 in the morning for intensive practice... doing 108 full prostrations... I told myself that I can only tackle so much at a time.

Then I dropped everything.

I have turned to all my cravings for refuge to get through these past few difficult weeks. I have turned to Pecan Sandies, Coldstone Creamery, Peanut M&Ms. I have turned to sex.

I have had a lover for the past six years. It is a long time, six years... longer than many marriages. There is a lot of history there, some good, some not... but I have held on to the relationship. I'm starting to see that I have held on (for the most part) out of habit. I turned to him last weekend. I was so stressed, I needed relief. It crossed my mind that I was not going to get what I needed, but I went for it anyway. I should have trusted my instincts.

It was the night before Sweetest Day, a Hallmark day that I usually ignore... But on this night everything conspired to force me to look at this relationship. It (in its present form) has outlived its usefullness. When I'm honest with myself, I know what I want... I know what I'm looking for. I'm spinning an 80's song by Prince (whose music I love more than chocolate)... mentally belting the lyrics... You know which one I'm talking about... "U Need Another Lover Like U Need A Hole In Yo Head." And I acknowledge it. And I know it is well past time to end it. And so I will. It is time to move on.