Recess is Over

Sitting at Still Point was difficult yesterday. I came in early, hyped up and ready to settle in. I sat alone at the front of the room, breathing in and out as dharma students, members and guests filed in behind me. After about 30 minutes, someone came in and rang the bell to signify the start of the first official sitting. Recess for me, meant recess. Without the sangha there to bolster my practice, everything just fell apart.

About midway into the first sitting, everything hurt. My left foot fell into a deep sleep. I quietly massaged it a bit, trying to revive it without disturbing anyone. I felt restless. I was ready for the dharma talk. We still had another sitting to go.

I started to really listen to myself. I was berating myself for being lazy, for letting my practice go. I started to reflect on how easy it seemed for everyone but me to be sitting there... especially the dharma students. They didn't seem to need to move at all. How did they do it? They probably stuck to their practice until it didn't hurt anymore. The thoughts kept streaming. "God, I suck."

After the Three Refuges, the second sitting. I sat with my shins folded under my thighs. Why I chose that moment to try a new posture, I'm not quite sure... well, I was ready to try anything to stop my legs from tingling. The posture sucked. I sucked. Everything sucked. I wanted to get up, but I wanted to sit more. I stuck with it, then finally the dharma talk. Before she began, P'arang nudged my foot with her foot. "You did fine," she said. I stopped feeling like a loser.

I expect it to be easy every time I sit. That last sitting, I tell myself, has carried me to some type of samurai state of being where I have total dominion over my body and my mind is peace. Then I sit and I am pulled back to reality. My thoughts run for the horizon like a runaway train. My body, in pain, is the boss. I am distracted, but I fight to focus on my breath. Thoughts take over. I think about what happened yesterday. what I want to happen tomorrow. I remember my breath. I think about Jakusho Kwong. "Breath Sweeps Mind." I mentally repeat it like a mantra.

I was excited to learn that something called the "Intensive Practice Program" is beginning. There is an interest meeting after the morning service. I realize that I really relaxed my practice after the Precepts Ceremony. With no structure in place, my practice waned. "I'm going to do this," I think. I'm starting tomorrow.