Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

When I think of "idle chit chat," I think about gossip, small talk, all those little conversations we have that don't particularly add value to our lives. When I think of "idle chit chat," I think "time wasted." Today, I wasted some time complaining about a situation at work. It was a futile conversation, because I wasn't talking to the person who could actually make a difference. I think that is a fundamental criterion for idle chit chat. It is not a bad idea to lodge a complaint. That is what the Civil Rights Movement was about. That is what Ghandhi did. But not me. Not today. I am seeing a pattern of this going on at work. It just perpetuates the drama. Instead of mustering the courage to confront the issues head on, I remain in the background... I try to stay off the radar... and instead of being proactive, I complain.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

This morning was a little better. While I didn't get up at 5:00, I improved by 15 minutes today and got up at 5:15. I had a hard time doing prostrations this morning. Last night I did aerobics and cardio conditioning... something I have neglected for a long time. I was just tired this morning. I am tired now, trying to complete this journal entry. I need to make sure I get enough sleep if I am going to continue this practice. I am just exhausted right now.

What troubled me most today

I could write a book about the things that are going on at work. To keep it brief, I am troubled most today by my supervisor's lack of integrity. I understand the need to be responsible to one's children, but we must also be responsible to the people who employ us, the customers who need us, the tasks we say that we'll complete.

What made me happy today

This practice is hard but I am sticking with it. Last week, practice waned. I spent the week taking care of things for my parents and spending time with my father at the hospital. I didn't sleep much, so I didn't wake up much for practice. This week, it is better. I'm doing this. It feels good.

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Not much idle chit chat today. I worked with headphones at work today, listening to my Real Audio™ playlist. I had a lot to accomplish today, and didn't feel much like socializing. I buckled down and worked on my tasks.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

Getting up at 5:00 was hard today. I didn't wake up until 5:30, which put me behind schedule. Once I got up, drank my water, and started prostrations, the routine seemed to take over. I sat today without looking at the clock. One thing I noticed was how difficult it is to practice when my daughter wakes up. She wants to ask questions. She wants to talk. 5:00 is the magic number if I want to sit without interruptions.

What troubled me most today

I spent my lunch break driving to a local district court to pay the speeding ticket I got just over two weeks ago. A co-worker kept insisting that I go to court and fight the ticket... that I work to avoid the points.

I just paid the ticket. I didn't even feel comfortable talking to the cashier about other options. I just wanted to take responsibility and get on with life. Yes, my insurance costs will increase. Every time I pay it, let it be a reminder to slow down.

We just don't take responsibility. Another co-worker seems to want to bully everyone around him into fixing a problem (his problem) which could have been avoided if he followed a simple instruction on time. Today, I almost let someone talk me into skirting responsibility for my speeding ticket. There is no fight in me when I am wrong.

What made me happy today

My daughter made me proud today, carrying her September project to school. After weeks of studying, drawing, and writing about her assigned plant, she took her creation (a beautiful poster if I do say so myself) to school with shoulders back and head held high. She is really doing well in school.

Daily Dharma

My pets will die.
My parents will die.
My friends will die.
I will die.

Encounters with illness, old age, and death ignited the spiritual quest of the man who was to become Shakyamuni Buddha, and we too must confront these quintessential instances of impermanence. Though it is certain that we and those we love are not exempt from death, we nevertheless experience great suffering around it. Stunned by each loss, we search for some way to adequately gird our emotions for the inevitable next loss of someone we care for. We can learn much about death by developing awareness of the fleeting "little deaths" that are our everyday experiences as they arise and pass away. With this awareness, we can learn to live today, this moment, as if it were the last day of life for us and our loved ones. When we do this, our priorities shift dramatically, and we can act from a heart space of gratitude and generosity toward all of life.

Acknowledging that I and everyone I love will die, may I cherish the blessings that appear in my life and those with whom I share them.

... from Now! The Art of Being Truly Present, by Jean Smith, pages 26-27

The First Dharma Seal

This week has been a lesson in impermanence. On Wednesday, my father had surgery. For the last ten years, he has survived kidney failure, a kidney transplant, diabetes, respiratory problems, and numerous side effects from the myriad medications he must take daily to sustain his life.

We were estranged when he had the transplant almost ten years ago. I was living in Washington, D.C. on hiatus from college trying to heal. The previous year, I was sexually assaulted on my way back to my dorm. It was mid-afternoon... broad daylight. Carrying my purse and my Safeway grocery bags, I allowed myself to be lured from the main street by a stranger who pretended to be a friend. I wasn't badly injured physically, but the mental and emotional wounds would take longer to wrestle and subdue. I suppose I was naieve. I extended the feeling of community I experienced being at a historically Black university to the surrounding community which did not always share my sentiment. Everyone was not my brother (or at least didn't act like my brother)... not that day.

I went to work full time, and I met someone... the man who would become my daughter's father. My father was none to happy that I decided to live with my boyfriend. He said some hurtful things, called me a few names I won't repeat, and we didn't speak for months. On the eve of his surgery, I still had nothing to say. I was too proud and too hurt. Being so far away, I don't think I truly internalized the serious nature of his illness or the risk involved in the surgery. I had been away from home for several years, and I'm sure that I still remembered my father as invincible as he was when I was a child. I certainly didn't think he was going to die. He could've. He didn't.

After my daughter was born, we moved back to Michigan so I could finish college. I lived with my parents. I live with them still. For nearly eight years I have watched my father's health decline. I have watched the man who once towered over me shrink slowly before my eyes. I have forgiven him and myself for everything that strained our relationship in the past and have made a conscious effort to rebuild our relationship. It has not always been easy, but it has been worth it. When I learned about a month ago that he would have to go back into the hospital for surgery, I was scared.

I learned something new about his transplant surgery. When an uncle donated the kidney that extended my father's life, the doctors installed it without removing the kidney that failed. I don't know why they did it that way, perhaps it is standard practice... but when I heard the word transplant, I thought something was going in and something was going out. It didn't work that way. The doctors apparently knew back then that there was a spot on my father's kidney films. They didn't say anything about it to anyone. Over the years, the spot has grown. They don't know what it is and don't want to biopsy it, so they decided to remove the failed kidney so that the spot (if cancerous) would not further threaten my father's well-being.

The surgery was successful. He lies in his hospital bed recovering. I am so grateful. Every time the phone rang last week I thought it was my mother calling to tell me that my father had died.

We cannot find anything that is permanent. Flowers decompose, but knowing this does not prevent us from loving flowers. In fact, we are able to love them more because we know how to treasure them while they are still alive. If we learn to look at a flower in a way that impermanence is revealed to us, when it dies, we will not suffer. Impermanence is not an idea. It is a practice to help us touch reality. [ ...from The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching by Thich Naht Hanh, page 131]

I kissed my father for the first time in I don't know how many years before I left his hotel room Wednesday evening. I feel awkward about expressing affection towards both of my parents. We don't typically hug or touch each other. Those expressions were a gift of youth that ended when I started wearing a training bra. Now, my daughter gets everyone's affection. As we prepared to leave, my father asked her for a hug. She dutifully walked to the side of his bed, hugged him and kissed him goodnight. "And what about your mom," he said. My heart quickly flipped. I wasn't expecting that.

I felt such a softness for him in that moment, such a quiet, protective love, that I kissed his forehead effortlessly. Without impermanence practice, without a situation that forced me to be grateful for every next day with my father, without the fear of losing him looming over me every day for a month forcing me to wake me up and appreciate him now and now and now, it would not have been that easy.

Daily Dharma

When people enter onto the Spiritual Path, they oftentimes become very judgmental about other people who are not so inclined or who follow a different teaching.

They believe they are somehow more.

The moment this thought occurs—more becomes less.

We all are who we are—each person serves their own universal purpose.

Simply by considering yourself to be on the Spiritual Path does not give you a ticket to judge others.

All people are as important to this cosmic drama as you are.

No one is more or less.

The moment you think that you know?tells you that you do not know.

Experience, but be silent.
Know, but say nothing.
This is the true essence of Zen.

... from Nirvana In a Nutshell, by Scott Shaw, pages 16-17

Sticky Subjects

My daughter is the only person in my life (outside of the people at Still Point) that knows that I completed the Precepts Ceremony earlier this year, formally undertook Buddhism as my spiritual path, and received a Buddhist name. I have been very hesitant about sharing that news with other circles in my world.

My history is that of a spiritual eclectic... I have tried just about everything. Some might think that my hesitance is worry... worry that people will look at my path to this and think I am spiritually flaky. I could really care less what other people think about my reasons. I am getting somewhere, no matter how slowly.

I think what really concerns me is being judged by others who follow a different path. The recent comments by Lt. Gen. William G. Boykin speak to that concern. We have freedom, but we are not all tolerant. I think most Christains would be more comfortable if I was going to somebody's (anybody's) church.

At Still Point I have had two converations with people about this. The first was with the father of a very beautiful little girl. He asked where my daughter was (people aren't used to seeing one of us without the other). When I mentioned that she went to church with my parents (Grandparent's Day) he wanted to know how my family responded to my practice. "They don't like it, but they don't say much anymore," I report. "Yet, I know that deep down my mother is concerned for her granddaughter's soul and thinks I am going to hell." He nodded knowingly. This is not something that we talk about as a community, but he seemed to relate to what I was saying.

The other conversation was with a beautiful Black woman whose youngest child, she reports, is 48. She was curious about what led me (so young) to Buddhism. We talked for awhile. I told her the truth. As a teenager, I didn't connect to the church. I enjoyed attending my aunt's church when I lived with her, but more because of the community there (my first unofficial Sangha) than because I vibed with the teachings. Mostly, I had questions that went unanswered. I had many friends and acquaintences in school who were of other spiritual traditions. It bothered me that Christians often teach that they have a monopoly on salvation. My Sunday School teachers didn't appreciate my questions. I was supposed to have faith... just shut up and pray.

After coming through the rebelliousness of youth, and moving into a phase when it was really important to me to make my parents happy (they help me immensely, and I can never repay them) I went back to the church. I went to Sunday School. I started singing in the choir again. I read the bible. After awhile, the same uncomfortable feelings came back. I need something practical. I need solutions... things to do when I am angry, restless, thinking about doing something that is unwise. I acknowledge that many people do find solutions for themselves in prayer, in attending church services, in sermons and prayer groups. I just have never been one of those people. I've stopped trying to make other people happy or comfortable, and stepped out to do what feels right for me.

Prostrations are not easy. Meditation is not easy. Going to church was much eaiser than this... I think the choir would probably take me back (again). But I am not going for easy... I am going for what works for me. Eventually, I hope to share it more with others. I will get over the fear and I will talk about my journey. In the meantime, just let me be a good example. Let people see something shifting in me and wonder what it is. What a conversation opener that would be.

Daily Dharma

By building up good habits of the mind in meditation, our behaviour in daily life gradually changes. Our anger decreases, we are better able to make decisions, and be become less dissatisfied and restless. These results of meditation can be experienced now. But we should always try to have a broader and more encompassing motivation to meditate than just our own present happiness. If we generate the motivation to meditate in order to make preparation for future lives, to attain liberation from the cycle of constantly recurring problems, or to reach the state of full enlightment for the benefit of all beings, then naturally our minds will also be peaceful now. In addition, we'll be able to attain those high and noble goals.

... from Buddhism for Beginners, by Thubten Chodron, page 35

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

I heard from an old friend today. Actually, an ex-boyfriend from my high school days. It had been at least three years since we've been in touch at all. He is moving his business to the next level... leasing space in the city for a web design business. After getting updates on his business and giving him updates on my family, I had to get back to work.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

Today, it was just getting out of bed. My alarm went off at 5:00 a.m. I got out of bed at 5:40. Attempting this process is uncovering all of my patterns and magnifying them. I already knew that I have a late pattern. There is not much that I show up for on time in my life. I've been hoping that doing this practice will help me to be better about being on the ball in the morning.

What troubled me most today

Writing that last sentence, I noticed something. There is a part of me that practices Zen because I think it will fix me. If I was more flexible (physically), I would be a better person. If I could muster the discipline to sit and just think what I want to think, I would be a better person. There is a big part of me that is doing this practice for me, so I can benefit. What about the world?

What made me happy today

I reached out to a friend today. I recently heard that she is fighting breast cancer, and I'm concerned. I also miss her and wanted her to know about it. I tend to be a loner. I keep to myself. The past year has forced me to challenge myself in this area. It feels good to be in that mode, connecting with people again. I've kept to myself long enough.

Daily Dharma

The conditioned belief that you must be perfect is the perfect setup for self-hate.

You believe that your choices are to be perfect or not to be perfect. But EGOCENTRICITY SETS THE STANDARD OF PERFECTION! And since suffering, fear and self-hate are all egocentric, you can bet you are never going to meet that standard. If you did, if you met that standard, what would self-hate beat you up with? What would egocentricity frighten you with? And if you weren't frightened, how would you be controlled?

Egocentricity would have you believe that either it is in control, making you be who and how you should be, or you'll just be garbage.

• self-hate
• judgment
• blame
• punishment
• rejection

... are all for your benefit because they're the only things keeping you from being A TERRIBLE PERSON.

Would you please risk it and find out once and for all how you are WITHOUT the beatings and abuse?

... from There is Nothing Wrong With You, by Cheri Huber, page 64

Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Not so much, today. I don't talk to my friends as much on work days. I'm really wrapped up in a project at work, and have been too preoccupied to just shoot the breeze with anyone. Today was about business.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm finding it difficult to sit for twenty minutes. I'm encountering a great deal of resistance when I sit here alone in my room. I get restless, everything below my waist seems to fall asleep. I can make it through ten, twelve, fifteen minutes... then I'm tempted to look at the clock.

I had my first interview this week. During last week's service, I had a really hard time sitting. My teacher, she noticed it... so the interview was just a quick question about how I do my practice, and a demonstration on how to slow it down a bit... how to relax into it. Sitting in front of me, she took a deep breath and breathed out a number slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out, "One." Breathe in. Breathe out, "Two". Continue to five. Work the diaphram. It reminds me of singing.

Sitting in this way is easy in the beginning. Somewhere between 12 and 15 minutes in, I'm thinking about everything I have to do today. I'm thinking about things I regret. I'm thinking about things I want that I don't have. I'm thinking about things that happened recently. I can't turn it off. I try to return to my breath but I'm restless. I start to fidget. I change the position of my legs and open my eyes to peek at the 20-minute timer. I'm bummed because there are three whole minutes left. I close my eyes and try to concentrate. It's a challenge.

What troubled me most today

What troubled me most today was something I did yesterday. I spent at least an hour on the Internet researching cortisol-regulating supplements. I was no longer focused on 8 Minutes in the Morning. No, I was ready to pop some pills to get to my weight loss goals. I always want the quick fix.

I don't need to spend any more money to lose weight. I don't need to put my health at risk by taking any drugs or supplements. I just need to develop consistency for myself, for my health, as I attempt to maintain consistency in my practice.

I know what started it. My parents are always on me about my weight. The only thing I hear is that there is something wrong with me. I feel like I'm shrinking, like I'm not good enough. I turn to Cheri for guidance.

"Constructive criticism" is a scam run by people who want to beat you up. And they want you to believe that they're doing it for your own good. [There is Nothing Wrong With You, page 49]

Amen, I say. You tell 'em, Cheri. It's not me... it's THEM. But no, I know this is not her point and I won't misrepresent her. Ego wants to be validated in whatever it believes. That was my point. Cheri continues...

Be suspicious of any voice inside or outside that says "THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." This voice DOES NOT LIKE YOU and IS NOT HELPFUL. [There is Nothing Wrong With You, page 50]

Maybe my parents deep down just want me to be healthy. They talk about how I look, which makes me think their concerns are more vain than oriented towards wellness... Nevertheless, I need to look at those inside voices Cheri talks about more than the voices of my parents. The inner Critic is loud and more vicious and I need to learn to stop listening to it.

What made me happy today

I did 108 full prostrations for the first time this morning. It was a victory.