Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

Not so much, today. I don't talk to my friends as much on work days. I'm really wrapped up in a project at work, and have been too preoccupied to just shoot the breeze with anyone. Today was about business.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I'm finding it difficult to sit for twenty minutes. I'm encountering a great deal of resistance when I sit here alone in my room. I get restless, everything below my waist seems to fall asleep. I can make it through ten, twelve, fifteen minutes... then I'm tempted to look at the clock.

I had my first interview this week. During last week's service, I had a really hard time sitting. My teacher, she noticed it... so the interview was just a quick question about how I do my practice, and a demonstration on how to slow it down a bit... how to relax into it. Sitting in front of me, she took a deep breath and breathed out a number slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out, "One." Breathe in. Breathe out, "Two". Continue to five. Work the diaphram. It reminds me of singing.

Sitting in this way is easy in the beginning. Somewhere between 12 and 15 minutes in, I'm thinking about everything I have to do today. I'm thinking about things I regret. I'm thinking about things I want that I don't have. I'm thinking about things that happened recently. I can't turn it off. I try to return to my breath but I'm restless. I start to fidget. I change the position of my legs and open my eyes to peek at the 20-minute timer. I'm bummed because there are three whole minutes left. I close my eyes and try to concentrate. It's a challenge.

What troubled me most today

What troubled me most today was something I did yesterday. I spent at least an hour on the Internet researching cortisol-regulating supplements. I was no longer focused on 8 Minutes in the Morning. No, I was ready to pop some pills to get to my weight loss goals. I always want the quick fix.

I don't need to spend any more money to lose weight. I don't need to put my health at risk by taking any drugs or supplements. I just need to develop consistency for myself, for my health, as I attempt to maintain consistency in my practice.

I know what started it. My parents are always on me about my weight. The only thing I hear is that there is something wrong with me. I feel like I'm shrinking, like I'm not good enough. I turn to Cheri for guidance.

"Constructive criticism" is a scam run by people who want to beat you up. And they want you to believe that they're doing it for your own good. [There is Nothing Wrong With You, page 49]

Amen, I say. You tell 'em, Cheri. It's not me... it's THEM. But no, I know this is not her point and I won't misrepresent her. Ego wants to be validated in whatever it believes. That was my point. Cheri continues...

Be suspicious of any voice inside or outside that says "THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." This voice DOES NOT LIKE YOU and IS NOT HELPFUL. [There is Nothing Wrong With You, page 50]

Maybe my parents deep down just want me to be healthy. They talk about how I look, which makes me think their concerns are more vain than oriented towards wellness... Nevertheless, I need to look at those inside voices Cheri talks about more than the voices of my parents. The inner Critic is loud and more vicious and I need to learn to stop listening to it.

What made me happy today

I did 108 full prostrations for the first time this morning. It was a victory.