Four Points of Reflection

Time spent in idle chit chat

I didn't spend much time in idle chit chat today. I didn't talk on the phone. I didn't spend any time at the office. There were moments of small talk with my parents... "How is Tiger doing in the golf tournament?", "What's on Oprah today?" Mostly, it was a quiet day.

Particular resistance(s) to my practice

I am not good at prostrations. I think I need to be good at it when I'm in my ego-mind, when I go deeper, i know being "good" is not the point. It takes about 30-40 prostrations to get there. In the beginning, I'm going for it. I'm up, I'm down, I'm quick. I remember how out of shape I was trying to do prostrations in the room with everyone before the Precepts Ceremony. I remember feeling embarrassed by how out of shape I am. I think I can fix it. I'm going to prostrate or die trying.

30 prostrations later, my legs feel like jelly. I'm dizzy. I'm sweating. I'm looking at the tiny Buddha statue on my makeshift altar. I am determined to finish. I start to bow because I'm so out of breath. I try to bow reverently. When I catch my breath, I try the full prostrations again. I get through all 108, but it is hard. Ego falls away and I remember the Refuges—Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. I prostrate for them. It gets easier.

What troubled me most today

A cousin and his wife came over to visit this morning. My daughter was just waking up, so I dressed her and took her downstairs for breakfast—Cheerios, a Pop Tart and Kool-Aid. I am berated for my choice of breakfast food. "Not very healthy choices," they comment. My mother shakes her head. I feel myself shrinking. Then I feel the need to defend myself. "You act like you never gave us Pop Tarts for breakfast when we were kids," I say. "Well, we are more concerned about the Kool-Aid. Couldn't you give her some juice or milk?" I wonder... what's the difference between Kool-Aid at breakfast or at dinner? No matter what time of day, it's the same drink that my parents drink all day long. I'm bruised by the double-standard, the judgment. I try not to let it activate the drama that dominates my life lately—the Bad Mother drama. My daughter chimes in, "There is milk in my cereal." She doesn't like it when people beat up on mommy. She always defends me. I wonder if I deserve it. This is an old story for me. By default, I think being a single parent means I am a bad parent. Always overextended, raising my daughter in a "broken family." I know this is just a story I tell myself, a tape on auto play. I will feel better when I learn how to stop it.

What made me happy today

I did what I said I would to today. At the end of the day, I could check everything on my Intensive Practice checkist. I am proud of myself.