Working with Anger

I am a single mother. I decided that I would do whatever it takes to raise my daughter in the best environment I could provide. My relationship with her father was volatile when she was born, and didn't improve much during that first year though we both did the best we could. We broke up.

We were already living in separate parts of the country--he on the east coast, me in the midwest. I expected that we would have the typical post-breakup cooling off period, then I expected we would learn to be parents if not friends. That was six years ago.

I was angered by the fact that he wasn't contributing to my daughter then, and I continued to be angry until I found a better way. No child support. No personal contact whatsoever... no calls, no birthday cards, no letters. Most of the time, over the years, I have had no way to even contact him. As my little girl gets older, she feels the void. She wants a father, and I want that for her. You would think I would be happy now that I've finally heard from him and he seems to want to be a father. No. I have been madder than ever.

I have talked things through with my friends these past few months. They talk about how well adjusted my child is, and encourage me to believe that she will not be harmed by the absence of her father. I am not convinced. They sit in restaurants with me and nod compassionately as I vent my frustrations... as I list my upsets. They are good friends, so they co-sign my anger, my disappointment, my pain. For as long as I need it, I have my own personal amen corner.

Lately, I have asked myself... is this what I really need? To be validated in my anger? What good does it do?

Well, depends on who you ask. If you ask my ego-mind, it makes all the difference. There is nothing quite like righteous anger to get the ego fired up. Righteous anger is the most dangerous for me, the most long-lived because it feels so good. There is no better fuel than believing you are standing on the moral high ground. It becomes like throwing kindling on a fire... the anger never dies.

The first shift away from anger came from taking refuge in the Dharma. I started looking for teachings... for enlightenment. I read the Five Mindfulness Trainings by Thich Naht Hanh. I read from the Still Point Dhammapada. I read from the Mahayana sutras. I focused in on The Sutra of the Assembled Treasures. One short passage stuck with me and remains with me still. It describes four signs that indicate a Bodhisattva's right mentality:

(1) The Bodhisattva does not hide his transgressions, but exposes them to others so that his mind is free from covers and bonds.

(2) He never speaks false words even if he loses his own body, life, country or kingdom.

(3) When he encounters misfortunes, being scolded, beaten, slandered, bound, or otherwise injured, he blames himself only; resigning himself to karmic retribution, he does not hate others.

(4) He maintains his faith firmly; when he hears the Buddha-Dharma which is profound and difficult to believe, his pure mind can accept and uphold it entirely. [A Treasury of Mahayana Sutras, page 389]

Karma. Karma is one of those touchy subjects in Buddhism. Who wants to think about all of the negative karma they have created over thousands of lifetimes? Too depressing. Who could get out of bed? No, when I'm in the middle of righteous anger, I like to think about other people's karma. It helps to remind myself that they will ultimately get theirs. I've been told by some that I should go after this guy. "Why should he get off without paying child support?", they ask. I know that he has never really gotten off. He can't. He won't.

When I'm having one of my pity parties (which don't happen often, but let's face it... they do happen) I feel robbed. I focus on every negative twist I can put on this situation (that is what pity parties are for, right?). I think about what I sacrifice, what I give up, what would be better if I had chosen a different man to have a child with, yada, yada, yawn. Pity parties get boring and ridiculous after awhile. I woke up one morning and realized (with the help of my teacher) that I was in the midst of a pity party. She is far too gracious to state it quite that way, but that is one thing I took from her counsel. The general gist of her message? My daughter is great. She will grow up to be a wonderful woman. She seems no worse for the wear. "Maybe just accept what is and move out from there, yes?"

And that was it, where the second shift occurred. When I took refuge in the Sangha and called on my teacher I felt so much lighter. Clear. Gratitude will take me much farther than anger ever will. It will also be a great big lesson for my daughter on how to live big, above the battleground. If I didn't have the refuges, I would probably be talking to a well trained assassin (or at least a good lawyer). Now I can breathe, and calmly consider what is in my little one's best interests, and have space to sit and chant and prostrate and get on with my practice. Anger is no longer in the way. At least, not today.

Comments

[Kelle]

Thank you for this thoughtful post. You are very wise and you helped me through an angry difficult time as well:) Good luck with everything! I'm sure you and your daughter are lovely.

[chalip]

Kelle...

You're welcome. I never really expect my random ramblings here to be of help to others, so it is a welcome and humbling surprise when that is the case.

Take care,

chalip